Renee's Reflections

Partners In Love And Lyme

2012-02-14T09:33:00.005-06:00

I thought I would share part of a story I posted on my other blog as we celebrate Valentine's Day. I am blessed to have spent 45 Valentine's Days with my sweet hubby, 43 of those as his wife. We have raised 7 children, we have 3 special "in-loves" and we have a bushel of grandchildren we adore. We have gone through the good, the bad, and the ugly (including Lyme) and we know how blessed we are to be able to start and end each day together.

Going back to the very beginning....

When I was eighteen I left home to attend Bible college. The Lutheran Bible Institute, later known as Golden Valley Lutheran College, was a small 2 year college with around 250 students living on campus. It was nestled down in a valley of a suburb of Minneapolis, MN. The students came mostly from the Midwest and I was no different. It was a great atmosphere to live in and I enjoyed my two years there very much as we studied the Bible and grew in our faith.

On parents weekend, during my first semester, my older sister, who raised me from age 11 to 18, and her good friend came for a visit. They looked over the campus while I was studying, and then met me on the second floor of the commons building after their campus tour. We visited for a short while by the railing where we could see below to the first floor, before they announced that they had "found the guy I was going to marry".

I was more than a little stunned, but listened quietly as they went on about how nice the young man was that they had met, and that he wanted to be a missionary in Africa just like his cousin David Simonson. They told me that they could "just see us married, living in Africa and working for God as missionaries". Of course, I had been intrigued by mission work for years as they already knew, but I was not so sure about them picking out my husband! I finally asked who this guy was and just when they were going to tell me, my sister said, "Oh, there he is! He just walked in the door!!"

I had already met Joel and my first impression of him had not been very good, so when I looked down to see who it was I was shocked, and said in a loud voice, "You have got to be kidding! He is loud, obnoxious, AND he wears BOOTS! I was a city girl. with big plans for a Mary Tyler Moore life and he was a country boy after all. My sister and her friend just looked at each other, smiled, and said, "We will pray about it."

Six months later we started dating and just 18 months from our first date we were married with my sister's friend singing The Lord's Prayer at our wedding! We have been married 43 years now and Joel still wears his cowboy boots. No matter where we have lived ~ in the West, Midwest, or across the ocean in The Philippine Islands~ whether he is at home, in the pulpit, or performing a wedding ceremony~ his boots are on his feet or nearby. I have come to love those boots along with his western hat, jeans, and denim shirts. And I would much rather be a country girl than city girl any day. I know how very blessed I am to have this man in my life.

When people ask how we met, we love to say we were prayed together, AND those who are prayed together stay together! God had a plan for our lives that including marriage vows that brought us together for quite an adventure in faithful living. Because of that plan, and of course my sweet Joel, cowboy boots will always hold a special place in my heart. And Joel......

Happy Valentine's Day Sweetheart!

Saturday's Scribbles

2012-02-11T09:41:00.000-06:00

Good Saturday morning to you from a cold winter day here in Iowa. It seems like we have one or two days a week of "normal" cold February temperatures and then we head back up to the high 30's or low 40's. We have very little snow left on the ground ~ it won't be long until Spring arrives! Okay, okay, it is another 5 weeks until the first day of Spring, but a girl can dream can't she?!

Speaking of dreams, as I mentioned before, I went to a Target store for the first time in 8 years this past week. I am still recovering from that half hour of shopping without a mask. I told Joel I wanted to go to the cards section and the organic fruits and veggies area. After 20 minutes I was ready to go. I found it interesting that I have no desire to go back...even before the reactions. When Joel asked me how it felt to be in a Target, I said, "Well, I can check this off my bucket list!" Shopping in a super store is not all I remember it to be.

Speaking of remembering, after my trip to Target I was thinking about a time in the past when our oldest daughter and son and myself ALL had braces at the same time! We used to go in force to the orthodontist to get our braces checked and tightened....and then as a reward we would head to Target to get some of their bakery's "old fashioned" glazed donuts! I have not had any sugar since 1985, but I can still taste those donuts. Mmmmmm good!

Thinking of donuts brought me way back to when I was a young teen and we had a dog named Missy. She loved my sister's homemade donuts! When she escaped from the yard, all we would have to do to get her back home is go outside and "rattle" the donut jar lid and she would literally come running! The adventures of the world outside her gates were not as important as a yummy donut!

My trip to the library made it possible to bring home a few fiction books I have been wanting to read, and I am into the first chapter of Half Broke Horses. It has not drawn me in like the book "Kisses From Katie", which is about a young girl of 18 who moves to Uganda to volunteer in an orphanage. She is all of 23 now, has started her own ministry ~ Amazania~ and is also is in the process of adopting 13 girls that are her daughters. Amazing. Amazing Amazania! What are you reading?

Until next time.........

Pondering My Stupidity

2012-02-09T10:07:00.000-06:00

The past couple of weeks I have had to go to the clinic 3 times, resulting in a breast biopsy that I wrote about before. I wore my carbon mask, but was able to be exposed to several people and certainly chemicals and machines, etc. without reactions.

I had noticed at Christmas when my family came that and I did NOT react at all while they were here. They are kind enough to not wear perfumes, aftershaves, hair sprays, etc. Usually I would get a headache, fatigue and a bit more pain. Nothing.

Monday I went to the library here in town. It was renovated a year ago. I tried to go without a mask, but the smell of the new carpet burned my nose so I put one on. Still, no headache. Just a bit more achy.

For some reason I thought this constituted a trial run without the mask. Being better maybe meant being well from MCS. (Seriously, I think I was delusional from the library)

Yesterday I decided I would go with Joel to Target, even though I was not feeling that good. I decided to test the waters by not wearing a mask. I spent 1/2 hour in the store.....the first time I had been in a Target store in EIGHT years. I had a slight headache last night, but nothing serious.

I was doing a Happy Dance!

Until I tried to go to sleep. I had chills, sweats, and was very wired and shakey. Then I woke up a few times in the night with pain in my joints and muscles. Around 6am I woke up with a nasty headache and sinus issues.....along with major pain. I am having symptoms from exposures I have not had in a long long long time.

I am no longer doing a happy dance.

I am pondering my stupidity.

Resting In My Foxhole While The Battle Rages On

2012-02-07T16:51:00.001-06:00

Even though it is my own immune system that is trying to win the war within, I often feel like I am holed up in a foxhole (my recliner) watching it all unfold, helpless to do much but urge my body on. I know that there is the philosophy that says we are not in a war, that our bodies are always going to have bacteria of some sort inside, and we just need to have more good bacteria than bad. Okay. That works for some, but not for Lyme. Not for me. I find that the best way for me to keep moving forward is to have the unwavering BELIEF that my immune system will be able to beat the enemy within senseless, eliminating them. Yep. E L I M I N A T I O N. Submission is good, elimination is better.

I know that some of how I am feeling the past couple of days is a response to last week's emotional and physical stress with the breast biopsy. Anything like that will stir up the Lyme and also cause some havoc to a sensitive body. Unfortunately, the Lyme and Bart are both in their reproduction cycles right now too, overlapping for a few days. My stomach is protesting loudly along with my bones, joints, muscles, and brain. I am grateful that this is NOT how I feel all the time. I have a couple of weeks each month now where I feel better...stronger....much less pain, fewer stomach issues....and a sense of well being.

This morning it was hard to walk on the wood floor without pain. Ouch! I poured my hot cereal into a dry pan to cook on the stove. Oops! I find myself weeping over shows I have seen before. Sigh.

Lyme. Bart.

Even with how I am feeling, I am still able to walk 3-4 minutes a day, be up and dressed and helping with meals, and over all having more energy. It is nice. We are healing. Joel actually walked 45 minutes yesterday without crashing. YAHOO!

Now back to the battle.....Maybe it is Joel's 8 years in the military that has me in tis mindset, but for me it is a war with many battles to be won. I know not everyone feels like it is a war we are fighting, but it has all the aspects of one. Enemies ~ some hidden, some on the frontlines~ trying to destroy us.......very smart and calculated attacks......a win or lose situation with life or death consequences........And for me...only speaking for me, one of my best lines of defense and part of my treatment plan is to apply scriptures to the Lyme and its buddies....there are plenty in the Old Testament! The Lyme is the enemy. I cannot feel kind or gentle towards them. God is NOT on their side. Nope. And when days are tough, I just give thanks that my immune system and the remedy are working so hard to heal me and that when I am too weak to help, "the Lord will fight for me" as scriptures say.

I am resting in my recliner today, and I think that is what my body needs the most...Me, resting. My immune system~ fighting. All we need is right within. We are a good team! And I do not fight this battle alone.

I am a Lyme Warrior!

Now, back to my foxhole...........

Saturday's Scribbles

2012-02-04T10:02:00.001-06:00

Our weather here in the upper Midwest has been amazing this winter with temperatures often rising into the high 40's in January. Joel and I have been able to keep walking outside all but a couple of days.

Speaking of walking, Joel can now walk for a half hour without any PEM (post exercise malaise) and I am up to 4.5 minutes every day broken into two segments. I have much farther to go, but I am not complaining. "You have come a long way baby!"

Speaking of babies, I really miss having one in the family! Our youngest grandchildren that grace our doorsteps are in preschool. I enjoy all our grandkids, but I confess, there is just nothing like the smell of a warm baby and oooh I love to hold them close while they sleep. So precious! There is a small part of me that envy's my friend Linny (click on her name) who is in her mid 50's and she and her hubby just adopted a baby girl. She and her hubby are a bit passionate for the orphans and have 11 children, 8 of whom are adopted from China and Africa. They have just started an International non-profit called International Voice Of The Orphan (click on name) which is fantastic. 100% of the donations go to the orphans and training for pastors in Uganda. They have a place at the site where you will be able to purchase what they call orphan wares too, besides signing up to support a child, or pray for a child, or provide shelter in Uganda. Their daughter is heading over to Uganda to work in an orphanage soon and their grandson is adopted from Uganda. They have an amazing story to share.

Joel finished his five weeks of Sunday preaching so is looking now for a part time interim position. May be one available here soon. We are just moving forward until we feel called to do something else or move some place else. Place and purpose are connected for us, and that is what we keep lifting up~ place and purpose...purpose and place!

Joel and I watched the movie, The Help last night. We thought it was excellent and highly recommend it!!

I have been reading Joyce Meyers book...a little at a time, and also Bosworth's book, Christ The Healer. I just ordered some new books today (thank you book angel) and I feel like a kid in a candy store waiting with anticipation for them to arrive. One is called Kisses From Katie about a young woman who heads to Africa to work with orphans and ends up mothering 13 girls she is in the process of adopting....Seriously...You can read about her story here. I also ordered a devotional type book plus an autobiography of George Muller. What are you reading?

I Just Don't Get It!

2012-02-02T17:32:00.002-06:00

Yesterday the Lyme Times magazine came in the mail. I was disgusted to read some of the comments the IDSA (Infectious Disease Society of America) has been making about ILADS (International Lyme Disease Society of America) and those who live with this nasty disease. Seriously. I absolutely cannot fathom what the powers that want to rule are thinking???? Calling Lyme doctors and the speciality labs an "axis of evil" and those who are looking for a diagnosis as having Lyme hysteria....Sick and wrong. Name calling?? How mature is that! It makes me wonder about our wonderful IDSA here in America. I remember when they stated MS was a mental illness. It embarasses and frustrates me. I just don't get it.

Today I have been saddened over the death of a missionary in Haiti who was there building a school/orphanage. The prayer group I lead has been praying for him for several days. He was shot last week coming out of a bank. He took himself to the nearby hospital where he underwent two surgeries before being medivaced to Miami for further surgery. He fought hard to live but his organs shut down. So sad.

When I googled the latest information on Dave Bompart's status, up came another missionary who was shot on the same day in Haiti. A young Mennonite man who was shot in the stomach for his cell phone. He was taken to a hospital there, had two surgeries and was medivaced to Miami where he had more surgery. He survived. Google also brought up that in November 4 missionaries were ambushed and shot in Haiti. They lived and went back to work I believe. Good grief! This goes along with the missionaries in Mexico who were found dead in their home yesterday. Risking sounding like my MIL, bless her heart, I must say I do not understand what our world is coming to.

Add to this my hubby coming home today and telling me our synod Bishop has had seven death threats on his life because of the ELCA changes that were voted in a couple of years ago. Seven. Death. Threats. And he is not the first to be threatened by so called Christians. I just don't get all the hate and violence. I do not understand. I just don't get it.

When I think about how many people in our world are suffering, how many are in need of great help, and how many want to help, I am humbled. Missionaries who put their lives on the line for the children. Doctors who put their careers on the line for their patients. And those who spew hatred, or those who feel it is okay to shoot someone for a few dollars or a cell phone..or just because they look at your wrong? There lies a true axis of evil.

Alas this is not a very uplifting post, so I am ending on a postive note. I am so grateful that yesterday turned out so well and that is where I am putting my energy today. It is two days after the procedure which means my body is protesting. As I rest in my recliner, I reflect on how so very very grateful I am for a safe home in a safe area, with a sweet hubby who loves me so much. So grateful for a loving family, good friends, and the prayers of many. So very grateful. The rest? I just don't get it.

Happy Dance Day

2012-02-01T20:49:00.000-06:00

Just getting ready to head off to bed and thinking about this past week and all that has been going on in my corner of the world. Actually, in my body. Last Wed. I had my annual mammogram. On Thursday I got a call saying they wanted to take more pictures...nothing suspicious, but a change in the left breast. So I went in Friday for another, more magnified mammogram. Before I left I was told that the change now looked "mildly suspicious" and I would need a breast needle biopsy. We scheduled it for Tuesday of this week.

Four years ago I had a needle biopsy and it was benign. Two years ago I had uterine cancer and went through surgery for that. Now another needle biopsy. I confess that fear raised its ugly head. You see, my mom had breast cancer at age 70, my oldest sister at age 60 and my other older sister had cervical cancer in her 30's. I was diagnosed with uterine cancer two years ago at age 62. All of us survived those cancers and all but my mom are still living. Still, the word suspicious can cause me more than a little anxiety.

The procedure went very well...lots of prayers going up for it to go well and quickly..and it.could not have gone better! The results came in late today~ benign...all benign. A fibroedonoma..always benign. Sigh. Joel and I have been doing the "Happy Dance" since 4:20pm central time!

I have been reflecting on the range of emotions I went through during this time. Such a roller coaster ride. Facts: 9 out of 10 of these kinds of biopsies are benign. Emotions: I have been on the receiving end of being the 1 out of 10 who had a malignant biopsy before (uterus). Facts: the needle biopsy is relatively easy. Emotions: Anytime you are on a table with your breast being poked over and over with a needle to inject lidocane, and then a nice size needle goes inside and takes out several samples of tissue while you lay in an awkward position....not cool. Facts: The staff are kind, caring, and very good at what they do. Emotions: It is my body...my what ifs. Facts: Recovery is pretty easy most of the time. Emotions: A bit of pain, a bit of bleeding, a bit of weakness...no big deal. Emotionally....a big deal. Facts: Takes about 1 1/2 days to get the results. Emotions: It takes 1 1/2 days to get the results!

So, I am looking forward to a good night's sleep and giving thanks more times than I can count for my good report. I am sure in a couple of days I will be back on track, but I bet you I will still be doing a happy dance!

Saturday's Scribbles

2012-01-28T12:09:00.001-06:00

Good Saturday morning to you! Hope your day is as sunny as ours with a forecast for a balmy 31 degrees on the agenda. Our snow is here to stay and more is on its way tonight. Still, for the end of January it has been an unusually mild winter.

We have had quite the quest to find a washer and dryer. I actually put on my mask and headed to Sears with Joel to check them out, as they had some on sale. We thought we found what we liked, came home to check out reviews and ended up choosing a different brand all together. Then I searched the web to find where we could buy the LG brand here in town to compare prices. There were only two places, but the one did not even have any to look at so Joel headed out to Best Buy (we never go there) and they had the washer we wanted...AND they had one that had a big "ding" on the bottom corner. Long story short, with some dickering, we got the washer for $400 less than the asking price online or at Sears and were able to order the dryer too. Both had 5 star ratings and we had heard good things about this brand and this washer and dryer. They will be delivered next week, just in time I expect, the way ours is sounding downstairs!

My mind seems to be blank today with little scribbling going on in my tired brain. It has been a full 8 days~ mostly with good news, the potential for some not so good. Lots of blessings all around.

Joel and I rented the movie "One Day" and watched it last night. One word for it.....TERRIBLE! We wasted the $1+ on it. Seriously.

I have not been reading much this week except for Joyce Meyer's book, The Battlefield of the Mind...slowly and I have started reading the book, Christ The Healer...a very old book that is still selling today. I watched alot of conference videos of an evangelist speaker instead. What are you reading?

Until next time..........

Earthing And Homeopathy

2012-01-25T16:28:00.001-06:00

I have had a few people ask me to explain Earthing and how homepathy works. I find it challenging to do so, although I see the results of both in Joel and the way homeopathic remedies have been healing my body. So, I thought I would share a few links here where you can get basic information to help explain it better than I can!

I first heard about Earthing last year over at the Lyme blog called SpiroChicks. It sounded so strange that I mostly brushed it off. Then at our LLMD appointment in August, Dr. V brought it up to us ~ then the same day we went to our allergy practitioner and she had the Earthing book on her table. She and her husband had started doing it for themselves. She let us borrow her book and soon after we ordered one of the Earthing kits from Here. You DO NOT have to use any equipment to ground to the earth ~ you can just step outside barefoot and ground with the earth. We really need to be connected to the earth, but in today's world it just does not happen. Our bodies are not balanced anymore and earthing balances the electrons in the body. At least that is my explanation of it. Go to the site and let those who understand the science behind it explain it to you. Joel felt it was solid information and made sense to his scientific mind...and the rest is history. It has helped Joel tremendously with his restless legs, pain, sleep, and energy.

Caution: For someone sensitive, you need to start with just a few minutes a day. Joel can ground 9-12 hours a day and never did herx from it. I tried using it for several hours since I felt so good at first, but I ended up with a major herx (die off) and now can only ground 1-3 minutes a day. I am slowly increasing that and look forward to when I can use it overnight.

Homeopathy has been around for a very long long time. If you want to read the basics about it you can go to The ABC's of Homeopathy to read more about it. It has certainly helped me to fight Lyme and heal my body....slowly and methodically I am healing physically and emotionally.

Our Visit To The Wizard

2012-01-23T12:04:00.000-06:00

On Tuesday of last week I called our LLMD's (Lyme Literate Medical Doctor) office and asked if we might be able to move our appointment up from the end of Feb. We just did not feel good about waiting 6 months between appointments. They had two cancellations that would work..one in early Feb. and one for last Thursday. We took last Thursday's appointment and headed out for MN that day with wind chills at -27 and a high of 0 forecast for the day!

We came away from the doctor's office elated! After Joel's exam, Dr. V was smiling and Joel and I were doing the "happy dance"! For the first time ever.............ever...................Joel passed the neurological tests. Every. Single. One. Dr V said the nerves in his feet and legs were healed! It really was amazing to see, She stood next to me as we watched Joel perform some tests, and said, "Do you see this??!!" He was also a bit stronger, is sleeping up to 7 hours at a time without waking up, and he can walk 25 minutes without crashing for 2 days (PEM),

Now, what does she attribute to this big change in only 5 months? Of course the herbs and the homeopathy are the foundation. BUT the added treatment that has helped make the big change is.....earthing! Yep,...Earthing. That strange grounding he has been doing since late August. Dr. V was so impressed she was asking Joel specifics about his regime.

I don't know if you remember, but last August he had gone backwards in all areas and she requested he NOT work at all. So, to move ahead with such great strides gives us all hope! Happy dance....happy dance!

My appointment showed a bit of improvement with one neurological test and my strength was some better. My energy has been up some so that is good. Antibiotics and herbs are no longer part of my treatment plan....only homepathy. Maybe some day my body will respond to herbs again if needed but for now I continue with homepathy.

All around, it was a good good day.

Joel's treatment plan:

Herbal Antibiotics~
Stephania (for Bartonella)
Artemesinin ( for Babesia)
Cat's Claw ( mainly Lyme)
Resveratrol ( for all coinfections)
Red Root ( Bartonella)
Banderal (for Lyme cysts)

Burber ~ detoxing
Parsley~ detoxing

Supplements
Daily Energy Enfusion (drink of vit/minerals)
Magnesium
Folopro (iron)
ProOmega ( fish oils)
Probiotics
B12 shots

Thyroid medication

Renee's Treatment Plan
Homeopathic remedy ~ Arsenicum Album

Supplements:
Lots of probiotics ( 6 a day of billions of different ones)
Ultra Clear and Advaclear ~ help liver detox
Magnesium

Eye drops
Synthroid for thyroid

Diet for Joel and Renee:
Sugar free
gluten free
dairy free ( Renee)
Yeast free ( Renee)
Eating Veggies, fruits, eggs, and mostly chicken and turkey, gluten free grains
Nuts ( Joel)

Earthing
Meditation
PRAYER FOR HEALING
Walking
Wt. Training (new)
EFT
Deep breathing
Castor Oil Packs
Pacing activity
Resting/Napping 2x day
Sleeping 8-9 hrs every night

Saturday's Scribbles

2012-01-21T12:21:00.002-06:00

Good Morning to you from our corner of the world. Yesterday we had 5 inches of snow, so winter has officially arrived up here in Iowa. Thursday we had to travel to MN and the high that day was 0...yes, I said 0....and the wind chill? -27 !!! Gulp! We took sleeping bags, extra clothing, some food we needed for supper, and my shearling boots were my best friend! Bitterly cold for this gal to be out and about.

Speaking of being out and about, we were in Minnesota seeing our Wizard on Thursday with just two days notice. We decided not to wait another 6 weeks to go, and when I called they had a cancellation so we took it and off we went two days later. More on that another day. Good news for my hubby...very good news.

Speaking of news, did anyone see our President singing a few notes the other night? What a nice voice he has! I cannot believe the election is STILL so far away and all we get to hear is slam, bam, slam, bam. Nothing nice about politics anymore. I find it appalling how people in general can have such disrespect for whoever is in office, and then those who speak hate and fear~~I just don't get it. Did you see the story about the baby born in CA that weighed only 9+ ounces when she was born? She is now at 4.5 lbs. and went home this week. Amazing story...amazing little girl! And how about the Italian cruise ship going down so quickly. Good grief! For someone who likes only to LOOK at water and not be on it...this tragedy is reason # 123 for never going on a cruise.

Speaking of water, I remember when we were flying to The Philippines from CA in 1976...in a Air Force C-130 filled with kids and moms and mostly military dads...oh boy. We flew 18 hours mostly over water...in a plane, refueling twice on the trip in Fairbanks and Japan. Okay, now for some this was a great adventure. For me, not so much! I kept reassuring myself that it was not a big deal to be in this big ol' plane over the big ol' ocean :).....told ya...I just do not enjoy ocean water...or planes...sigh.....silly right?! These little nail-biting anxieties did not keep me from flying or being on the water....I have done both often in the past... they just aged me a bit in the process!

Speaking of aging, the other morning I looked in the mirror and saw my mother looking back at me! When did that happen??!@#! Aging is not all that much fun, BUT as Joel says, it beats the alternative!

We did not watch any movies this week and I am STILL reading Joyce Meyer's book The Battlefield of the Mind...and catching up on magazines and articles. What about you~ what are you reading?

Feeling Free

2012-01-17T19:15:00.000-06:00

There is nothing that compares to those times my body responds more like a normal person, and I have energy, a sense of well being, and less aches and pains. How free I feel when those days grace my life. I always hope they are here to last, but alas..........reality returns and I end up back in my recliner at war with a stealth bacteria. And they do not fight fair.

Thinking about feeling so free, had me remembering the little guy we did respite care for back in the early 90's. Justin, was 4 yrs old, a little character we met and ended up adoring, who lived with Downs Syndrome, ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder) vision problems, and asthma. When we met him he was wild as a March ,as my mom would say. His parents were unable to control him day after day, and he made sure that he stayed out of their reach as much as possible. One time when he had a babysitter he locked himself in his parents bedroom, opened the window and took off the screen. Before anyone could get to him he managed to throw lamps, pillows, and anything else that was not tied down out the window and into the snow far below. He was mad at his parents for leaving!

Just wait, the feeling free comparison is coming.

The first day he came to our home I was prepared for mischief. He would walk through the kitchen and dining room and on the way tip over the garbage can, push over chairs, open the microwave, grab anything off the counter he could find, and then climb ~ no scoot up the living room picture window barefoot!! I had him on time out over 50 times that first day. It was a war of wills and I was determined to come out on top, letting him know there were rules to follow.

I had a hard time getting him to hold still to use the nebulizer, and eating was a feat to be imagined. He just had too much energy and was used to doing his own thing. Eventually he learned the boundaries and a small dose of medicine for ADHD helped calmed him some. BUT before that happened we had the episode of his great escape.

I had given him a bath, wrapped him in a towel and sent him out the door of the bathroom to go down the hall to Joel in the living room where he would get his PJ's on. After I sent him out the door I yelled to Joel that he was on his way. A few seconds later Joel yelled at me asking when he was coming? I flew out of the bathroom in search of Justin. No Justin to be found. I went out into the living room to get more help in the search, when our son Mark started laughing and told us to look out the window.

There was Justin, naked as a jay bird, running down the alley across the street, with his hands in the air as he gleefully fled captivity and embraced his freedom. Joel took off after him, trying to catch up while ignoring the two elderly ladies sitting out in their back yard watching the "Pastor" chase a naked little boy down the alley. We lived in a very very small town. I am sure they had something to talk about for awhile...."That crazy pastors family..........."

Those rare times when the Lyme is not shouting so loud, and I am able to cook, bake, walk, and feel as close to normal as I have in years, I feel like little Justin. I want to put my arms above my head, giggle and run from my captives, and just enjoy the freedom! The naked part I am not so sure about!

Our Grandkids: What They Teach Us

2012-01-16T10:21:00.004-06:00

Joel and I love observing our grandchildren~ this photo was taken of the ten that are able to gather each year at our home for a couple days of cousin fun. We make up a United Nations with ancestries of Korean, African American, Filipino, Chinese, Puerto Rican Black, Hispanic, and white ( Norwegian, Danish, Irish, German,French and more I am sure) backgrounds. Our Kevin's son lives in CO and is of Hispanic, African American, and Northern Cheyenne descent. Joel's Aunt Ruth used to call us her "rainbow family". On Martin Luther King Day it seems appropriate to share this photo of our beautiful grandchildren.

ALL our grandchildren are adorable of course and anything they do that their parents find irritating or frustrating we find mostly cute. Being grandparents the pressure is off to shape, teach, and discipline without breaking their spirits. Ahhh those spirits...those personalities. So important to be OKAY with who they are and yet learn to be kind, loving, forgiving, and caring. Joel and I feel that they are all kind, loving, forgiving and caring....hopefully they believe and know they are OKAY as God created them, too.

As grandparents we can step back and observe and of course see them through grandparent eyes. We believe they have MUCH to teach us as so called adults. We have been talking about some of the things we heard said this time around while the family was home.

Jonas, age 3, to his mommy: "Mama?"
Mom: "Yes, Jonas."
Jonas: "Momma, I love you to the moon and back."
Mom: "I love you to the moon too, Jonas!"

Out of the mouth of babes.....

Mom to Jonas when he got into trouble: "Jonas, what is going on?"
Jonas: "Well, I tried to be nice, but I just couldn't"
Mom: "So what do you need to do, Jonas..."
Jonas: "I need to say I am sorry and be nice."

Out of the mouth of babes....

Playing Yahtzee with Evan and Abbi early in the morning:
Grandma Na: "Oh, wow, I got a large straight...Wooo hooo" "Just what I needed!"
SILENCE
Evan, 13: "Ahhhh, I think you might need a two to have a large straight (1,2,3,4,5 in a row)."
Gr. Na: "What?????" Groan, moan.
Abbi, 11: "That's okay Grandma....." "You almost have one"
Gr. Na Joking: "Guess I can't get away with anything!"
Laughter~~

Out of the mouths of babes....kindness and accountability for an old lady.

Lydia, 6: "I love you Papa"...with a big hug and another hug...and another hug...and another hug. Making sure she got her share of hugs for the day and making sure Papa got his share too.

Feeling loved is so important for children AND adults.

Noah, 9, playing Yahtzee with Gr. Na and Jonas, 3: Several times when Jonas shook the dice one or more would land on the floor. Noah would just say, "That's okay, I'll get it."

Always patient, never critical or irritated.

Papa to Greta, 8: "How are you doing, Greta?"
Greta: "AWESOME Papa! "

What a great way to start the day!

Opening her Christmas gift from us ~ "OH, this is JUST what I wanted!!!"
Attitude of gratitude~

Out of the mouths of babes....

One of the things we have noticed with our grandkids and most kids is that if someones feelings are hurt by another, these hurt feelings usually go away very quickly, forgiveness comes swiftly and then they move forward reconnected.

Not a bad way to live.

I am sure there were more, but my brain cannot pull them up today. Each and every one of our grandkids has taught us things over the years as we observed their actions and listened to their words.

It is pretty obvious we love our grandkids and think they are great! We look forward to what they will teach us in the coming years! As adults we still have so much to learn.

Saturday's Scribbles

2012-01-14T11:30:00.000-06:00

It is Saturday morning here in Iowa and I am looking out my window at ..............snow. The highs for temperatures have been in the low teens the past couple of days so I have been dressing extra warm and staying inside. No more walks outside for me!

Speaking of walks......yesterday morning we watched a doe and her two grown kids walk through our backyard on their way back from the river. They are so beautiful I still reach for the camera, but along with the joy of seeing them in all their beauty, comes the warning ......deer......deer ticks. Darn bugs....trying to spoil our joy.

Speaking of joy, I have been going through our Christmas cards and letters for a second time. It is always fun to catch up with friends and family and study the pictures that get sent out. We did not get as many this year, but we always enjoy the updates and seeing how everyone has changed.

Speaking of Christmas, it was a bit strange this year because for the first time in 32 years Joel was not pastoring a church. No built in family for us to worship or fellowship with! We always received special gifts and cards from some of the members. I remember at one of our churches we received 8 fruit baskets! We had enough children that the fruit went pretty quickly. One year we received 7 large frozen turkeys for Christmas! We did not have room for them all in our freezer, so we stored some of them in the garage....and promptly forgot about them. One week when we had a sudden thaw Joel suddenly remembered the turkeys~ they were nearly thawed, so we had to cook them as quickly as possible. We shared a couple with a friend ~we could not eat that many!

We were always thankful for the many gifts of food that came in over the years.....fresh eggs, cookies and cakes, lefse, fruit off their trees, and once a rancher gave us half of a Black Angus beef. Our children always felt thankful for the food from church members....except for when it was left over "funeral food". We would try to disguise it, but as they got older they would often look at us when the meal was not our usual fare and ask ...."Is this funeral food?" Being Joel is a pastor and has officiated at over 300+ funerals since he started in ministry, I expect our children were exposed to the reality of death a lot more often than most children.

Joel has been on the quest for a new washing machine. Just not sure what brand to go with this time. Sigh....looking for one that is quiet (shhhhhhh) and is good size since we wash all our blankets, quilts, etc. at home. Fragrance free and all that. We have always had Kenmore appliances in the past, but Whirlpool seems to be leading for what we want.
We watched the movie, "Water For Elephants" last night. I found it very intense, and too violent in parts ~ although Joel did not. I usually distract myself when I start to get wired from a movie with the laptop or a crossword puzzle. Multi-tasking is not good for someone with CFS/ME but sometimes it is necessary.

I finished The Help and am still reading Battlefield of the Mind. I am hoping to read Half Broke Horses soon. I am planning a trip to the library to see if I can tolerate books from there again. What are you reading?

Until next time...............

Speaking Truth

2012-01-12T15:47:00.001-06:00

I have struggled with writing about this for a very long time, but as we have shared about our children in the past couple of posts, I have felt the need to clarify something about our family. I will not go into detail, and don't plan on approaching this topic again, but feel if I am going to be transparent and honest in my writing, it needs to be addressed at least once.

Joel and I raised 8 children ~ seven of our own, (2 birth and 5 adopted) and 1 foster daughter for 4 of her teen years. For a period of time we worked with an agency in Minnesota called PATH and were licensed in therapeutic foster and respite care. As you know, our son Kevin died 7 yrs ago when a virus attacked his heart and left him in heart failure. He had gone through a lot in the first few years of his life before we adopted him, and you can read about it in the post, "Fast Shoes And A Broken Heart" that I wrote in December.

We also have a son that I never mention. I will not even share his name here out of respect for our family, as his story is one that is difficult to share. It is painful for our whole family to discuss, but some of you readers may wonder about him since you have known us for years. We adopted J. when he was 7 years old. He came from a violent, alcoholic family. He was in continual therapy and at the age of 13 he was diagnosed by an expert in the field as a "child without a conscious". All our training did not prepare us for this, but we persevered in raising him with the help of social workers and therapists until the courts intervened at age 15. He was also diagnosed as "incapable of showing remorse". Very scary. By the time he was 18 he was in a "kid's jail" and was diagnosed as a Sociopath. Some of his past behaviors are just too painful to share. He has been estranged from our family for 16 years for our protection and that of all our family. He has spent the last 9 years in prison.

Though, at times we may second guess our decision, we know that keeping our family safe is the most important thing for us, so we pray for our son, he still IS our son, and we love the boy we once knew. We just cannot put ourselves or others at risk by having him in our lives.

I do not expect others to understand unless they have been there......and we know a few who have. I don't plan to speak of him again, but felt the need to be transparent. After so many years of blogging it just felt like it was time. And now we move on...............

Our children and our foster daughter have done well in their lives. They have used the struggles of our children who were so very damaged by others to shape and strengthen them and it has given them even greater incentive to take care of their own families with an understanding that others may not have.

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass..........it is learning to dance in the rain.

There Is Not One Way To Do Things

2012-01-12T13:42:00.002-06:00

I appreciate the comments on my post on pondering and reflecting family relationships. It was a nice discussion with those who shared their thoughts on this topic. Living with CFS/ME and Lyme among other chronic illnesses makes the topic even more interesting I think. Feel free to stop by and leave a comment!

I certainly agree with Ginny from Living With Lyme ~ there is not one way to do things. Not one way to treat Lyme or CFS/ME, not one way to live a full life, not one way to retire, not one way to have good relationships with our family and friends. There is just not one way to do anything really.

Ginny shared that where she lived in Alaska there were many Filipinos and they mostly had extended family living together and they liked it. My thoughts were~ that is great it is still the cultural thing to do...and then...... why would Filipinos who are from such a hot and humid country choose to live in Alaska!?!

Sue from Learning To Live With CFS shared she felt Joel and I had done a good job of raising happy and independent kids and Terri from ME/CFS Warrior seconded that. That is nice to hear. Even though I sometimes wish we had done things differently, we did our best at the time...and with a lot of prayer and their own abilities they are doing their best now, too.

Sue shared she wished they had a grandparents suite attached to their home as her hubby's dad is getting older and won't always be able to take care of himself. On the other side of that, Renee K from Lyme Victim says she has heard of many cases where grandparents living with the family causes a great deal of conflict. Upnorth feels it would be a situation to situation decision. So true. Again.....there is that "not one way to do things."

Some of you liked the dream of a community of fellow Lymies or People with CFS/ME ( PWC's). I expect it would be challenging and difficult but such a nice idea.

So, today as I sit in my recliner wrapped up to stay warm with temperatures hovering around 12 degrees outside, while watching the snow and winds, and attempting to cope well with both Lyme and Bartonella working hard to reproduce, I am still pondering. As my body fights hard to rid me of these unwelcome visitors, I am longing for a warm dry climate where my body can be soothed by the heat needed to calm the bugs. Why did we leave New Mexico? Oh that's right, the Air Force sent us to Utah!

I am still reflecting and pondering...but with a bit less of a wish-it-could-be-different outlook. I keep reminding myself that all is well and today it is as it needs to be.....but still somewhere inside I just sense.......

The times......they are a changing!

Reflecting And Pondering

2012-01-11T14:12:00.002-06:00

Today I was watching one of the morning shows, which was airing a piece about generations sharing the same house. In the past 10 years the number of homes where 3 generations live together under the same roof has risen 30%. This took me back to when we lived in The Philippines. It was common practice in the barrios for 3-4 generations to live in the same small house together. For an American that was taught that part of our success was independent living, it was hard to understand in some ways...and yet in other ways it was intriguing.

In today's piece they talked to a builder who said the new trend is to build homes where there are separate apartments for suites for a grandparent to live, so they can share expenses and live together, but yet be apart.

The times......they are a changing.

When our children were growing up, we had a policy that when you turned 18 you went off to college or you got your own place. You did not live at home. Harsh? Maybe by today's standards. Basically, since we had always taught them from day one that college was an extension of their school years, we strongly encouraged and did everything possible to have them head off to college the fall after HS graduation. Giving them the age 18 rule was our way of following through with our beliefs for a higher education. Six of the seven did do that, a few went on to get their masters.

Recently I read an article that said 40% of kids who graduate from college head back home again. Many to live with their parents due to the economy and job issues, but many because going back to their hometown seems like the right thing to do. When I graduated from HS and college....very few people went back home. They were "off to see the world" and make their own way. Now, there are more who go off to see the world but come back to their community to nest. That sounds nice.

The times......they are a changing.

Sometimes I envy those who raised their families in one place...where their roots are deep and grandparents are close by. I wonder what that would be like. Our kids and their families are scattered to the wind. I am grateful they are not so far they cannot get home, but I cannot help but reflect on what it is like. Our kids never lived by their grandparents. We moved so often our children don't really have a "home" place. Mostly I think they identify with where they graduated from HS but they don't have a hometown. It is kind of sad. I grew up moving quite a bit too until I was 11. I went traveling with my dad so much with his sales jobs that I called the car "home". Even though I spent 7 years in the same town until I left for college, I don't have any real strong attachements to there except for my church, some family and one good friend.

I envy those who stayed in one place because they have roots, they have strong relationships, and more often than not one or more of their kids settle around them. Sigh.....That is really the bottom line for me. As I think about our whole family gathering again and know that it is 11 months away, it saddens me. As I reflect on kids who move back home, or grandparents who move in with one of their kids, I cannot picture that for us. We love and know our family pretty well. It just is what it is.

We continue to ponder our retirement, and where to live. We know this a central place for the family to come visit at their convenience, and that happens probably an average of twice a year for each family. We just need to figure out what is best for us and convenient for two Lymies with CFS. They can travel, we cannot.

Joel and I were talking the other day about some of my Lyme and CFS friends I have known for years and how they struggle for a decent place to live or for caregivers who really care....for someone to take care of them because family refuses or is unable. We would love to have enough money to have a place...a few acres with a great view.....where those in need could come and live in little cottages of their own and share expenses......and know someone is there for them they can trust......and fellowship when they could or understand when they had to keep to themselves. A dream? Yep...A pipe dream? Of course! A possibility? Well, anything is possible.

So, today, as the last Christmas tub is put away, and the house is back to "normal"......when the snow is on its way finally, and the quiet becomes a bit deafening.....we reflect....we ponder....we wonder.......

And we rejoice. We have great kids with great spouses and wonderful children with roofs over their heads, jobs to go to, churches they worship and are active in, and communities they enjoy. They have done so well. So maybe, just maybe, it has turned out right after all......even with no hometown to return to and no roots to speak of. Even if we only gather as a family once a year. They are making their own way one day at a time and doing it so well. Maybe it is time we do so again, too.

The times.......they are a changing.

Partners In Lyme: Update

2012-01-09T08:49:00.001-06:00

It has been a long time since I wrote about our treatment updates for Lyme, co-infections, and CFS. I do this mainly to keep a record, so if you wish to skip this post please feel free.

We are only seeing our LLMD every 6 months due partly to finances, BUT we have decided that is too long in between visits. We see Dr. V the end of Feb. but will schedule the next one for 4 months ahead.

Joel:
Positives: Joel is seeing great benefits from the earthing. Still sleeps well, NO restless legs unless he completely stops magnesium glycinate. Right now he only takes 4 at night, which is down from 20 a day. He has more energy and less fatigue overall. The homeopathic remedy he takes has helped the fatigue. He has less of a problem with his balance and can walk quite a distance...for 20 minutes at a time.

Negatives: He could no longer take the cryptolepsis ~ his body rejected it..it actually made him a bit aggressive and mean. Out of character completely. There were antibiotics that did this too after awhile.
Joel is now taking Artemesinin 2 days on and 1 day off (to keep his blood counts stable)
He takes this to kill of Babesia. Artemesinin is used world wide for Malaria and Babesia is a malaria like parasite.

He started out slow...taking 1 pill 2x a day for two days on and 1 day off and increased up to 4 twice a day with 2 days on and 1 off. He is right now in a major herx. Thankfully it did not hit him until the middle of a second service he preached today as a fill in pastor so he made it through and drove the 45 minutes home okay. He is in his chair, zoned out, off balance, pain in ribs shoulders and back, hips ache, legs weak, extreme fatigue, and brain fog. It is working....Babesia is dying. He will cut back to see if it lets up some. Babesia seems to be the most challenging for him right now with Bart second and then Lyme.

Renee:
Positives: We finally found the right dose for me to take of the homeopathic remedy, arsenicum album, which I started 3 weeks ago. I almost immediately had more energy, less pain, zero emotional upheavals, less anxiety over all, and a strong sense of well being.

If I wear a mask I can now sauna 2x a week. This is helping me detox.

I am walking more. Tried a fast pace of 4 minutes for 4 days in a row and crashed somewhat so am going to stroll as I walk. My mitochrondia is so out of whack and this is where you store energy in your cells....Still, I am happy about this. I am doing more around the house too, and made it through the family gathering without completely crashing. "Happy dance"!!

Negatives: Major stomach issues again all the time with bloating, and with more heartburn and acid reflux once in awhile since upping the remedy to every day. Digestion bad we think from the bugs mostly and the remedy working things through. More Lyme and Bartonella die off means more symptoms during reproduction cycles. Right now I am having both Lyme and Bartonella reproduction cycles coming together, and on the higher dose of remedy I feel pretty miserable. I am in my recliner in my pj's and wishing this week was over!

Over all we are both seeing improvements that make us cautiously hopeful. I am really tired of my stomach issues and will look into eliminating certain foods to see if that helps although my diet is so limited already! Yikes. Joel would like to see the fatigue go down more and energy up.

We are heading in the right direction.

Saturday's Scribbles

2012-01-07T10:28:00.001-06:00

Good Saturday morning to you all! What a week we have had here in Iowa with temperatures rising to 57 degrees on Wednesday and a couple of more days in the high 40's. This is winter? I am loving it! I think I could get used to not having snow!!

A new year is upon us and it is time to shake things up, move in new directions, stretch and grow, and all those good things. To spice things up I changed the title of my other blog to "Adventures In Faithful Living". For this year Joel and I are studying the word I felt led to meditate on for 2012 ~ obedience. Gulp. I tried to talk God out of it, but alas, there it is. So with anticipation and a bit of apprehension we are jumping in with both feet to study and meditate on obedience and what that means for our lives. Stop over if you are interested and read the posts I have written on it so far....Adventures In Faithful Living. Now, on to other topics.

The tree is coming down this weekend and the Christmas decorations are being put back into their boxes until next year. It always makes the house look a little bare, but more orderly. Looks more like fall now with all signs of Christmas being tucked away. By this time last year we had 30 inches of snow and temperatures were cold cold cold. I am not complaining, like I said, I am loving this. Joel was out yesterday picking up leaves from our Maple that always drops them late in November!

Well, our washing machine is on its last leg.. We bought our washer and dryer used at an auction 22 yrs ago! At one time I was washing up to 27 loads of laundry a week for 10 of us, some of whom were working summer jobs outdoors. Lots of dirt involved. Joel has fixed the washer a few times and the dryer once or twice over the years. So, we are grateful that they lasted this long and wondering how we will find anything made today that will be half as good! Whirlpool, Amana, Kenmore, Maytag, the list goes on and on and the prices are all over the board. So begins our quest for a new washer that can match the old!

The caucus was held here in Iowa this week. I am really not sure why it is considered such a big deal for predicting the future, although many disagree with me. It seems like more often than not, the top candidate does not end up being the one chosen by the party anyway. This is an election year again...just seems like we went through all the hoopla last year. Don't get me wrong, I know how important elections are, but I am already tired of all the ads and they have just begun!

Last week-end we watched a couple of movies. Larry Crowne was a good one starring Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts. It was a bit slow in places, but my sister says, watching a slow movie is like reading a book...just need to adjust the pace. Joel and I both liked it a lot. The second one we watched was The Zookeeper. It was okay, good for a few laughs but a bit strange and over the top at times. I would not recommend it for small children.

My sweet friend and book angel gave me a gift card for Amazon, so I am going to check my wish list for 2012. Thank you D.Y. for your kindness and generosity! For now I am reading Joyce Meyer's book, "The Battlefield of the Mind" and am finishing "The Help". What are you reading?

Until next time...........

Upside Down and Turned Around

2012-01-05T17:16:00.001-06:00

It is 57 degrees here today. Our son told us it is 67 down "south" where he is just two hours from us. And in Florida it has been 19 degrees???!?#?%? Seriously, things are upside down and turned around! We are in the upper Midwest and our average temperatures are in the low 20's. Last year by this time we had 30 inches of snow...this year? No snow on the ground at all. Again, upside down and turned around!

That is pretty much how I have been feeling the past week~ upside down and turned around~....lots of clearing out of those constipated emotions I mentioned in a former post. Lots of reflecting, releasing, and reshaping going on. Deb from "Jeremiah 29:11" mentioned that maybe we need to take a laxative to release all those emotions and friend Deb from "Four Angels Mamma" played with the words as she spoke of a re-laxative to help us heal emotional blockages. I love it all!! What fun, ladies. Thanks!

Off to get supper going. Our son said he was grilling tonight! In January! Upside down and all turned around!!!!

Emotionally What??

2012-01-02T12:15:00.001-06:00

I have been thinking a lot about what my intentions (goals) are for this new year. I have quite a list going, but of course I know that I need to narrow it down to one or two. Just a few days ago I was reading an email newsletter sent by Kris Carr who has written best sellers on Crazy Sexy Cancer. She lives with several cancerous tumors, which she calls beauty marks, and through diet and lifestyle has kept them "asleep" for over 9 years. She mentioned the idea of setting goals for 2012, but that the goals we set will not be fulfilled if we are "emotionally constipated". I laughed right out loud. What a crazy definition....and I love it.

So, before I set any new goals, or intentions for the coming year, I am taking the time to reflect on whether there are areas in my life where I am emotionally constipated! Areas in my life where I am holding a grudge, feeling guilt or hurt, hanging onto emotions that will only bring about problems further down the road.

Here is an example~~~~Not too long ago my homeopathic doctor was asking me about people in my life...like our son Kevin who died 7 years ago. She asked me where I "felt" Kevin in my body. I knew immediately that I felt him in my heart. She then asked me about where I felt another family member who has caused stress in our lives and my reply was once again immediate... in my stomach/gut. (That can't be good.) It is where I feel fear too....and worry.... and.... Hmmmmmm Definitely can see some work ahead there :).

I would expect that most of us struggle with holding emotions somewhere in our bodies. Where do you feel emotionally constipated?? I am still chuckling over those words. They really say it all!

It's A New Year!

2012-01-01T09:10:00.001-06:00

There are 365 days ahead

A mystery to us

What will they bring?

Lately I have been hearing

prophets and politicians

speaking

doom over 2012

Really?

Speaking defeat

before the year

begins???

It's a new day

in a new year!

Just think what

great things

are

ahead!

Oh, the possibilities ~~~~~

healing

health

sunshine

joy

love

peace

and did I mention?

healing!

Don't you just love fresh starts?!?!

Don't you just love the

hope

that comes with

a new year?

Don't you just love

being alive?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Saturday's Scribbles

2011-12-31T09:19:00.001-06:00

Good Saturday morning to you all from our little corner of the world where temperatures will be near 50 today. Seriously?!?!? This is so strange. We will have colder weather move in tonight but then again by next Thursday in the 40's again. We just are not quite sure what to make of it.

Speaking of "not quite sure what to make of it".....that would be the early caucuses this year, which in our state of Iowa means way too many ads, way too much attention given to the candidates, and way way way to much political talk going around. Yuk.

Speaking of yuk....Joel and I watched a PBS special on the time in 1967 when two young women died from Grizzly bear attacks in Glacier Park in MT. and others were mauled. My friend's cousin was one of the girls who was killed and it caused me to have more than a few nightmares about bears. It freaked me out so much that when we drove through Yellowstone on our way to our new home in Utah a few years later I was jumpy. We were waiting for cars to move forward in the park at one point while not knowing why, and I looked to my right and there was a bear a few feet away. I screamed and dropped our baby Bethany right on the floor in her little seat (no seatbelts at that time) as I tried to roll up the window as quickly as I could. NOT a mother-of-the-year moment !!! Joel and I had heard so much about that fateful night involving two separate bear attacks back in 1967 that he wanted to see the documentary on it. I could have easily passed it by!

Speaking of passing by, where has this year gone? Here it is the last day of 2011 already. In some ways we are glad it is ending. It was a tough year for us, our community, the country, the world at large. We have decided that 2012 is going to be a good year!!!! I have been reflecting on what my intentions are for this coming year. No resolutions....intentions for me :) More on that later.

We had such a good time with our family this past week. Lots of good memories were made and just having the kids and in-loves all spend time together was fun. We are all together only once a year and this year everyone came at different times so we had just part of one day where all gathered. We had a big dinner, opened gifts, and played bingo with $5 gifts for prizes. My sister and BIL stopped over too. We had pizza for lunch on Thursday before people started heading back to their homes. All were tired with what our daughter Naomi called a "holiday hangover" (without the alcohol)!

Also on Thursday our youngest daughter Sarah's bio-mom drove down from MN with her partner to pick up Sarah for a New Year's visit. She had actually chosen us to adopt Sarah, and I had kept in touch with her over the years sharing photos and updates. Sarah contacted her a couple of years ago and they first met again here at our home after 21 yrs. It is nice for Sarah and her bio-mom to have this connection.

I have not read anything this week. I confess that I did something sneaky last week...before giving my daughter the book she asked for for Christmas ~ Janet Evanavich's latest Stephanie Plum book~ I read it! Carefully without bending pages or damaging the spin. I was feeling really down and out and it kept calling my name over on the gift wrapping table.....sigh.... It did make me laugh! And laughter is good medicine, right? I am sure I am forgiven for giving my daughter, as my family called it, "A tainted gift!" So what are you reading?

Until next time....

Christmas Memories

2011-12-29T18:16:00.002-06:00

Our family gathered the first part of this week for Christmas

Yummy food was prepared

Our DIL and daughter

cooking

Our meals this year:

Beer Cheese and Chicken Noodle soups

with yummy meats and cheeses

Leftovers

Ham Dinner

Pulled chicken

Pizza

For

There were some great games of Cribbage, Yahtzee and

electronic games on Ipads, DS, and phones

No snow again!

The gang toughed it out in cold temperatures to

play a good game of football!

We enjoyed our annual Christmas play
put on by the grandkids

depicting the Nativity story

The cooking, visiting, shopping, kids swimming at the hotel pool,

and all that goes into traveling
took its toll on the adults!

Our three daughters were

vegging out

on Wednesday night

Papa Joel and our youngest grandson

Taking a much needed nap

in the midst of a full house!

Our wonderful grandkids!

Abbi

Grace

Sawyer

Jonas

Evan

Isabel

Greta

Lydia

Grant

Noah

One family left for home Wednesday afternoon

The rest took off today after a lunch of Pizza

Joel and I

have dusted, vaccumed

finished dishes and pick up

and are now in our recliners

resting

with smiles on our faces

and joy in our hearts~

Monday's Musings (Saturday's Scribbles Disguised)

2011-12-26T11:47:00.000-06:00

Good Monday morning to you all from our little corner of the world! It is going to be a balmy 45 degrees here today. What is up with that??? The snow is gone, the sun is shining and our brown Christmas is now over. Strange it to be so warm, but not unwelcome.

Except for high winds, it is great weather for our children and their families to travel and they are all heading to our home in the next couple of days. We celebrate after the fact, so will have our good food, good fellowship, and good gifts the 27-29th. This year Bingo is planned with $5 gifts for adults and children as prizes.

We had a quiet Christmas Eve~ Joel went to church and then we had our meal and of course pie. Joel preached on Sunday at a town around 35 minutes away so he did not get home until going on 1. A quick meal, naps a visit from my sister and BIL and many phone calls with family made it a good day.

I have been listening to the CD Santa gave us for Christmas...an oldie ~ Alabama's Christmas. We always listened to that (on a cassette) when we decorated the tree as the kids were growing up. One tradition they remember fondly. I found it on Amazon in a CD now...I expect it won't be too long and those will be outdated too...or maybe they already are!

I have not been reading much the past week ~ mostly doing crossword puzzles and sudoku when trying to relax. Hope you are all enjoying a few days of easy going rest, relaxation, and reflection.

Until next time.........

A Church In The Foothills

2011-12-23T17:51:00.001-06:00

Thought I would repost an article I wrote for our newspaper a few years ago and shared here last year I believe. I always think about this special time when Christmas is upon us. I treasure this memory so much I just had to share it again.

When my husband was in the seminary we spent his internship year at a parish in North Central Montana. Malta’s Parish consisted of four main Lutheran churches, a hot springs resort chapel, and a tiny church in Zortman, Mt. ~ an historic mining town nestled in the foothills of the Little Rocky Mountains. Joel and his internship pastor ministered to all of these areas.

The services at Zortman were held once a month, with most people driving around 75 miles across gravel roads to attend church and worship together. The small Catholic church sat on the top of a high hill and was one of the few buildings left in this small town. I believe at that time there were 9 full time residents in the village itself. People from the surrounding towns often came to enjoy what the Little Rockies had to offer, and the small café/bar provided nourishment when they visited the area. We had the privilege of being a part of the Christmas service the year we were there, and it is tucked away in our memories forever.

We drove the long distance through snow and freezing temperatures, arriving with many others shortly before the service. Everyone gathered at the local cafe beforehand. All of us were dressed for the bitter cold in snowmobile suits, snowsuits, insulated underwear, heavy boots, scarves, and warm mittens. When it was time for the services to begin, everything in the town closed up. It was dark outside and as we left the cafe many of us were given lanterns to carry up the long hill to the church. We were one of the last families to leave, and in doing so we were able to watch the glowing lights move up the winding path as the people walked the trail to the church. As each person carrying a lantern entered the sanctuary, the church filled up with light. What a beautiful sight to see!

Once we arrived in the sanctuary, we all huddled together on benches to keep warm. The wood burning potbelly stove, which stood in the corner of the room, gave off a warm glow and provided the only heat in the church. Our hymns of Christmas joy were especially meaningful as we sang along to the old pump organ. For many reasons, the Christmas story of Jesus being born in a humble stable held special meaning for us that night.

When services were over, we all walked back down the hill guided by the lanterns and moonlit sky. All those who attended went into the local bar/café for coffee, dessert, and more fellowship together, before heading back out into the cold and traveling home.

The service in the Little Rockies is forever a beautiful memory for me. Here we were, coming together to worship our Lord and Savior and celebrate His birth. It did not matter whether we were worshiping in a big cathedral or a tiny “borrowed” church in a small historic mining town in Montana. The focus was the same ~ to worship and celebrate the birth of Jesus our Lord.

MERRY CHRISTMAS FRIENDS!

Christmas Moments

2011-12-22T18:04:00.000-06:00

Looking around our home I see so many Christmas decorations that hold special meaning for us. Almost every item is a treasure with a story to tell. I love to sit at night with a cup of hot water warming my hands and just take in all the memories that these items bring to my mind and heart. I love cardinals so there are quite a few of those gracing the living room along with 3 nativity sets. We are rustic country-style people and embrace anything made with that rustic country look, and also anything made from wood, especially if it is made by someone we know.

This year my favorite Christmas music is an older Cd by James Taylor called appropriately enough, "Christmas". He is one of our favorites, I just love his laid back style. Tomorrow we will make sweet potato pies, and a big pan of almond butter bars to tide us over Christmas. We will be making chicken and rice soup and having a bit of turkey with sweet potatoes and squash I expect. It will be just the two of us so we may decide to have our usual Saturday night pancakes with berries and for this festive holiday, organic whipped cream on top. Yum!

Christmas is all about wrapping ourselves in some love, joy and peace. Some great music, yummy treats, candlight, and cozy home decorations are part of our celebration along with gifts, Bible reading, reflecting, and worship services~ the reason for the season~ baby Jesus.

Here's hoping and praying for each of you who celebrate Christmas, a special time filled with an abundance of love, joy, peace and good health.

Where Was The Butter?

2011-12-21T12:37:00.001-06:00

I am doing fine....really I am......but it seems I may be having a bit of brain fog due to my brain working overtime. Just maybe.

I decided to make Joel some special cookies today and took out the flour, butter, salt, etc. and then went and sat down for awhile in my recliner.

About 15 minutes later I went out to the kitchen to start the recipe and ............no butter! Where was the butter? I was sure I took it out. I looked around a bit, figured it must still in the fridge and then decided to take the dog out before starting.

I came back inside and went to my recliner to rest yet once again and tucked my hands inside the big front pocket in my shirt....and.....you guessed it~ I found the stick of butter!

I usually tuck the phone in my pocket when I go up or down the stairs or outside just in case I fall. Maybe I better check the fridge for the phone!

My body is resting, but my mind? Not so much. Think it is time to do what Donna is doing over at
The Brighter Side and focus on the moment, rest, relax, calm the mind and transform my list of things to do to a list of things I am grateful for. Putting the peace back into Christmas! Oh, and checking my pockets more often :)

Saturday's Scribbles

2011-12-17T09:09:00.000-06:00

Good Saturday morning to you all ~ It is going to be in the 30's here today...ALL our snow is gone! Green and brown grass and no snow forecast for Christmas. Very unusual.

It takes me back to when we celebrated Christmas in the Philippines (1974-6). It was HOT. We stood in line for hours to get a tree, one of those shipped in from the states. No lights recommended since it was already dry by the time it reached the base. We bought a big pinata shaped like a star to hang on our porch. Friends gathered for the usual dinner and I can remember insisting that we have my family's traditional cherry sauce for Christmas Eve to go on the ham...Cure 81 of course since I grew up in the town of Hormel's headquarters. Cherry sauce for the ham is made with cloves and cinnamon and cherries warmed up together. Yummy! Well, there was not a can of cherry pie filling to be found..so my officer husband took the risk and went down to the "black market" to buy cherry pie filling! Only time we ever did that! It was delicious and reminded me of my family so far away.

Speaking of far away, it always feels like family is far away on the holidays, however, our family will gather on the 27th-29th. Joel is preaching on Christmas day and New Years day filling in for pastors in the area. He is working 5 days a week and with travel time is gone for the day. I miss his presence.

Speaking of presence, Joel and I are concerned the Lyme and Bart are no longer challenged by the remedy I am taking. They are making their presence known. I just can't seem to take a large enough dose...just like with anything I put in my body, and I am having more and more old symptoms. Since the remedy also brings up old symptoms it is hard to know for sure. Expect the two doctors will need to figure that one out together. I am feeling as gray as the sky today over the bad stomach and pain issues once again.

Our cleaning lady came yesterday. She comes once a month, but her chemical smells from the offices she cleans before coming really get to me. I spend 7-8 hours upstairs in the room we do not let her clean, while open windows and air purifiers try to eliminate the smells everywhere else, but I still ended up with a bad headache and weakness. Think we need to do something different.

We have been enjoying the neighbor's lights this year. It is very very quiet where we live, and you can stand out on the porch at night and just take in the lights and fresh air without any noise to spoil it. Usually it is pitch black out here at night since we have no street lights. Seriously. I guess they wanted this association to feel like you were in the country. But every farm has a big yard light, so they missed the point there. We have motion lights for our home and most others do too.

As I bond with my recliner once again, I have been reading "The Help" some this week, along with Joyce Meyer's "The Battlefield of the Mind". What have you been reading?

Until later.......

Too Much~Too Long~Too Normal

2011-12-14T09:36:00.000-06:00

I tried to act too normal, for too long, doing way too much.

Hello recliner, my old friend.

I've come to bond with you again....

Because of all I had to do

I neglected me and you

And the visions that remain in my brain

Are filled with fatigue and pain

From me they demand rest and less

These are the

The Sounds of Lyme and CFS

(my rendition of The Sounds of Silence

by S. and G.

I had great plans for this week ~ preparing for Christmas. Instead I am in my recliner reading and resting. Joel is off to work 1/2 hour from here 5 days a week for 2 weeks ending on Christmas Day with services in the morning.

He has done well since he came home. We found out one of the herbs he was on was causing him issues. He is off that and doing well. Amazing. For now we will take it and I will try not to be angry that I cannot sustain the level of activity I was doing. At least I could manage it a week!

Partners in Lyme: Update

Joel is doing well with remedy he is on and the earthing. The herbs seem to be still working, but we feel a switch should come sooner than later to keep the Lyme surprised. He has had more energy, is sleeping really well and is able to work some again. We will see how it goes with the working after 2 weeks.

I am doing okay. I am unable to do earthing without major symptoms appearing quickly. STILL having major stomach issues at times and will need to have a colonoscopy to rule out anything else. The remedy seems to be working for me, but like anything I take, it helps some but I have trouble sustaining any level of improvement. This may continue due to length of time I have had Lyme and CFS. Right now I am having skin issues again after 5 yrs. Raw areas on face, scalp itching and sore, itching over body without a rash. Rash on chest, etc. I was able to do a lot when Joel was gone and that is hopeful.

Chairs, Toes, And Determination

2011-12-13T12:04:00.000-06:00

When Joel was gone for 8 days and 7 nights, I was here on my own doing everything under my own power. Since that power is limited, I had to figure out ways to adapt to each circumstance. We live in an unusual home with a basement, half-up room that juts out front of the house, main floor, half-up room and then the upstairs. Lots of stairs! There are 17 wider than normal stairs going up and 16 going down to the basement.

Doing the laundry was challenging as going up and down the stairs causes my knees to complain. Bending over is not a good option for me either. So, when I went down the basement it was to stay awhile. I did sauna twice while clothes were washing and even took my laptop down to surf while doing the laundry.. I set limits ~ only 2 loads a day. When I folded clothes out of the dryer I sat on a chair, so I did not have to bend. I put some of my clean clothes in a clean plastic bag to get them back upstairs since the basket was to heavy for my lower back.

I put a stool by the dog's dish so I could sit on it when giving him water or food...or if something fell on the floor while throwing it in the garbage. I seem to have trouble with that!

I had a chair in the entry so I could easily put on my boots to take the dog outside.

I had a folding chair in the kitchen that I could sit on to get things out of the lower shelves of the cupboard and fridge, and to empty the dishwasher.

When our cleaning lady was across the street she saw our driveway was not done yet after our big storm on Sat. and when I looked out Sunday morning she was shoveling our driveway! I had asked for help in getting it done (even though that was hard to do!) My BIL came over to blow it out for us and she had it mostly done. That was something I would NOT have been able to do. I did manage to brush all the snow off our deck tree when it got too heavy using a broom and resting half way through. I also had to ask my BIL to put salt on the driveway so I could walk safely to the mailbox.

I made food on Saturday evening and made enough to eat it for 6 meals, eating eggs once in awhile too. When I broiled burgers I did enough for 4 meals. Same with veggies. The food got boring, but it was necessary to save energy for other things.

The back door deadbolt handle fell off one day. Luckily it was locked...but I wanted to use the back door to take the dog out most of the time SO I just studied it, found the right tool and put it back together. Way to go girl!!!!!!!

The back screen door came off its hinges...that one I could not fix so left it for Joel.

The fridge was pretty empty by Friday so I decided to wash just two of the shelves sitting on a chair of course :) and doing a little at a time.

I also have to tell you that I can pick up things with my toes. (giggle) It is amazing what you can pick up with them :) and I used my trusty toes to pick up more than one thing I dropped when Joel was gone.

Adapting is not so hard once you set your mind to it ....or even your toes!

Fast Shoes And A Broken Heart

2011-12-11T09:36:00.001-06:00

At this time of year we think often of our son Kevin who died 7 years ago on Dec. 13th. I have decided to share what I wrote about Kevin 3 years ago. We still miss Kevin and grieve his death, but believe with all our hearts that he is in a better place.

John 14:2 “”Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; and if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you I will come back and take you to be with me that you may also be where I am.”

Four years ago today on December 13th our son, Kevin, age 25, died of congestive heart failure after a virus attacked his heart. Kevin had gotten sick with a respiratory virus a couple of months prior to this and eventually went to the doctor when he could not lie down and sleep without becoming short of breath. The doctors discovered that his heart was surrounded with fluid, and testing showed his heart was only functioning on a level of 20%. He would eventually need a heart transplant to save his life. He was put on oxygen and went home to wait for an appt. with a specialist.

On Dec. 13th we woke up to the phone ringing at 3:30am. A nurse from an ER in CO was on the phone telling us we needed to get down to the hospital right away as our son was in cardiac arrest and had “coded”. I told her we lived 4 states away and that would not be possible. I asked her to please have someone call us back as soon as they knew something more. In our bedroom Joel and I laid in bed holding each other, crying, and praying for our son. Deep in my heart I knew he was gone. A mother knows. We finally received a call an hour later telling us that they could not resusitate him ~he had died. Kevin left behind a son, a newborn baby daughter, and a fiancé.

Joel and our oldest son flew out to CO for the funeral. My nephew and his wife offered for them to stay at their home and they also attended the funeral. I was too sick to travel. Due to our families living in the Midwest, we had a memorial service for our son at our church right after Christmas, so that everyone could attend.

At one point during a conversation with our oldest daughter, she made the comment that Kevin had died of a broken heart~ not just a physical broken heart, but also an emotional broken heart. There is a lot of truth in that statement.

Kevin came to us at age 3. He was a beautiful, quiet, little boy whom we had welcomed into our family when we were living out west. He had been neglected and abused by his birth mother and birth grandmother, and taken away from them when he was a year old. We also discovered a few yrs later that he had also been sexually abused in his foster home. Because of all this abuse, Kevin really trusted no one. He was filled with anger and even after years of therapy throughout his childhood years, he could not adjust to a family. We worked hard to keep him in our home, but when social workers and therapists strongly recommended that he be placed into a treatment center, we made one of the most difficult decisions of our parenting lives ~ we placed Kevin at a Boys’ Ranch in S.D. He did very well there working with horses ~ you see, animals he could trust. He was even able to ride a horse in the inauguration parade for Pres. Clinton. We were so proud of him! When he was 19 he went to Job Corp and trained to be a mechanic, and this took him to CO. This is where his short and difficult life ended.

I am choosing to remember the good times with our son. The day we brought him into our family he came with only a grocery bag 1/3 full of all his belongings. We immediately took him shopping for clothes and shoes that would fit. When he put his new shoes on, with a big smile on his face he said, “NOW I HAVE FAST SHOES!” From that day forward Kevin's love for shoes was well known. We kept those first pair of shoes and our oldest daughter asked for them after he died. They hold special meaning for all of us. When Kevin first came to be with his forever family, I remember sitting by the bed and holding his hand at night until he fell asleep because of his fears. I remember Kevin playing football with his older brothers ~ wearing a jersey and helmet that engulfed him. I remember his excitement over Christmas and Birthday presents when he was little. I remember his baptism, his confirmation ~ even the time he came home from the ranch for a visit and helped me clean all the windows in the house. These, among other things, are what I choose to remember about our son.

I have chosen not to dwell on the difficult times nor the what ifs…the could haves…should haves…maybes…

We have worked through a lot of our grieving. It has come in stages…we grieved when he told us about the abuse…we grieved when he had to leave our home…we grieved deeply when he died. We continue to grieve our son's death. But in many ways, Kevin is in a better place. Our good friend gave the sermon at his memorial service and he said, “Kevin has gone before us to Heaven where he awaits our homecoming. He went before us because, after all, he always did wear “fast shoes”.

We know that we can believe God’s promise…”I go to prepare a place for you..” He welcomed Kevin home and even though sadness still touches us at the most unexpected and expected times, we feel a sense of assurance, knowing that Kevin no longer suffers any internal pain. For the first time ever, he is at complete peace.

Saturday's Scribbles

2011-12-10T08:38:00.000-06:00

Good Saturday morning to you from our little corner of the world. Temperatures will rise to a balmy 25 today which is nice after a high of 12 yesterday and overnight temps below zero...Winter is definitely here to stay!

Speaking of here to stay.....my hubby is coming home today and I plan on him being here to stay for a long long long time. We have not been apart this long on 40 years. Lets see....8 days, 7 nights, and a lot of phone calls later.....I am so ready to have him home again sitting in his chair with his feet up on the footstool right where he belongs! Levi and I are doing the Happy Dance!!!

Speaking of where he belongs....he belonged with his mom and we know that. A true gift for him to be there for here at the end. We lived so far from them most of our married lives. The military took us to Utah, New Mexico, Illinois, MN and The Philippine Islands....being a pastor took us to Montana, MN and Iowa. Nearly all of Joel's family live right in the area, so it is nice for him to go back and visit.

Thinking about places we have lived, Montana may be at the top of our list. The rugged country and down-to- earth friendly people. It was not part of God's plan for us to stay there long...only 4 years....but we have many fond and special memories ~ like the family helping friends brand cattle, going to an annual "nuts and guts" feed (I will not explain that one), seeing nature at its best when traveling unpopulated areas, a cattle drive, and Christmas services in a small church at the top of a hill in the Little Rockies mining town of Zortman. This time of year always takes me back there to that special night. Amazing. Of course there are also memories of 3 escaped men from CA murdering 3 people from our congregation, dust storms, worrying about rattlesnakes when out in your garden, mosquitoes so bad we would run from the church to the house, and waking to -26 degrees in October! There are still times we miss Montana. It shaped our lives, that's for sure. I expect each place did.

As I look around the house I am realizing that I am a messier person when it is just me here at home Of course the dining room table is covered with Christmas cards, letters, and such, but besides that I just don't put things away if I am going to need them later! Plus there are extra chairs and stools placed around for me to plop down on when necessary. Both Joel and I are very orderly and like things in their place, so I am thinking it is a matter of energy. It has taken alot of energy to get the dog out 4 times a day, make my meals, do clean up, do the wash, etc. etc. Will share more on that later......

I have been reading magazines this week, but not any books. Mostly I have been getting Christmas cards ready to go out. What have you been reading/doing?

Grieving With A Sense Of Joy

2011-12-09T08:28:00.000-06:00

Last Saturday Joel's brother called to tell him his mom was dying and near the end. We were able to get him packed up to go, and he left as quick as he could. His mom died on Monday, so he was able to be with his mom most of the time for two days. He slept in the room one night. She was unconscious the whole time, but hearing is the last sense to go, so he spoke with her and read scriptures and prayed over her time and time again. She was comfortable and died peacefully. A blessing.

Most of our children went to the funeral. Needless to say, it was difficult not to be there for Joel and the family. And mom. Joel has officiated at probably 300 or more funerals over the years, but when someone you love dies it is different. When your mom dies ~ whether she is 49 or 94 it is difficult. Knowing that he will see her once again some day, eases the pain. We grieve with a sense of joy knowing this is not the end.

As some of you know, our son Kevin died 7 years ago on the 13th of December from congestive heart failure after a virus infected his heart. He was 25 years old. Joel' mom had a soft spot in her heart for Kevin, and I believe that the two of them are together now with many others who are gone from our lives but not from our hearts. What a reunion they have had!

Helping Her Cry

2011-12-05T19:22:00.001-06:00

Once upon a time a little girl named Susan was sent to the store to get milk for her mother.

She was gone a very long time and her mom began to worry.

When she finally arrive home the mother asked Susan why she was so late!

The little girl replied,

"I met Sally on the way home and she was crying because she broke her dolly."

"Oh", her mom replied, "So you stopped to help her fix her dolly?"

The little girl shook her head and said,

"No mommy, I stopped to help her cry. "

Sometimes that is
what we do
here
in our blogging
community.

We stop to help
our friends
cry.

We let others know
we care~
we understand.

We listen
with our hearts
we are here
for each other.

We stop
to help
our friends...
cry
laugh
mourn
rejoice
discover
unite
love
live

We stop
to help
our friends

Saturday's Scribbles

2011-12-03T09:35:00.000-06:00

Good Saturday morning! Winter has finally arrived here in Iowa with up to 4 inches of snow forecast for our neck of the woods. It will be kind of nice to see the snow although I am sure by Feb. I will be tired of it!

Speaking of snow, we wanted to get the tree up and the lights on before the snow came since we have a deck tree due to my allergies. Joel found a nice one for only $12 at Menard's and he put it in a stand and screwed it into the deck! One side of the stand where we tighten it broke (of course) so Joel had to tie it up on once side until the water froze in the stand. We ended up putting the lights on by the deck light and a flashlight. Then the winds picked up and the tree was bent over this morning waiting for our help! So Joel went off to buy a new stand and reset the tree in the morning rain.  With the snow we are getting this afternoon, it should only add to its beauty. We enjoy having a tree so much, along with our neighbors behind us. They put lighted wreaths on their deck and so we are able to enjoy each others decorations.

The house is decorated inside and I love it! I am starting Christmas cards now in the hopes I can write a note on each of the 130 we send out. We write a short newsletter but I still like to write a note. We have moved so often that we have friends we have not seen for years and it is nice to catch up this time of year.  I got almost all the Christmas shopping done this week thanks to the Internet!

Joel was able to come across some organic butternut squash at the local store so he bought up all they had and we have been baking squash and freezing it for the winter.  It is hard to find good organic veggies and fruit here so it was a nice surprise, especially since it was priced lower than regular squash!

Joel will preach tomorrow at his old congregation here in town where he served for 10 years. It was a nice little church with very active people. I am sure he will enjoy being there again. Working the Dec. interim position is not going so well with his two trips to see his mom and a cold and crash this past week. Best laid plans.....

I am reading the book, "Always Enough", by Rolland and Heidi Baker who are missionaries in Mozambique. I confess, I am not sure what to make of it. It is way out there and is stretching my beliefs.  But it is good to have our faith challenged. What are you reading?

Until next time........

A Change of View

2011-11-30T20:18:00.000-06:00

Today I went for a drive...with Joel ....to the grocery store. He went in to buy some organic squash and I sat in the van watching the people. Believe it or not, it was good to be there. I really needed a change of view.

Five weeks.

I had only left the house once in the past five weeks, and that was for a short drive. I don't know why it seems to be so difficult to get out and away, but I expect it is because I have no where to go except the parks and it is a bit cold for that. I cannot go to the malls, stores, grocery, or someones home because of my reactions to chemicals, fragrances, and the like. Even our library is a problem, especially since they built an addition on to it. It gives me pause that three weeks can go by before I realize I have not traveled beyond the neighbor' driveway, which is where I walk to when getting my daily "exercise". I have adapted to a life inside my home the way a bird adapt to his birdcage. After awhile you don't expect anything different. Slowly and subtly it becomes the norm.

We have a nice home. Lots of big windows and space for me to roam. A great porch~ and nice neighbors. I just don't want it to be the only place I find myself. I want to be able to go places. I don't want MCS and Lyme to confine me to a life of isolation.

Right now I have cabin fever. Having the windows and doors shut from the cold makes it harder to stay inside. So today was the day for a drive, even if was just across town to the parking lot of the grocery store. Even if I never left the van. I don't mind the van. I guess when I was very young I used to travel with my dad and sister. He was a "traveling salesman". After spending so much time in the car I started calling it "home". Maybe I need to make the van my second home for now!

I am going to start putting "leaving the house" on the weekly schedule. It is time for a change.

Another Step In My Healing Journey

2011-11-28T17:33:00.005-06:00

There is an unwelcome guest that comes to visit when I find myself spending nights alone.

F. E. A. R.

My body goes on high alert and my hearing becomes acute. Every sound is amplified and the darkness somehow holds that which I fear. I realize as a woman that the fear of being alone overnight is not uncommon. I certainly have heard many others share the same experience, but for me I know that there is more behind my intense reactions. In my early married years I would wake Joel up often to check out any noise I heard...or when he was gone at night I would sit quietly not making noise or drawing attention to myself. I jumped at every sound. I know now that I become a child again, afraid of what is outside the door, or inside my home. But what I am afraid of mostly remains a mystery to me.

I have pondered writing any of this out of respect for my family and my readers, so details will not be shared. I do strongly feel committed to speaking my own truth and always pray it will help someone else on their own journey. We all have our own stories that shaped us into the adults we are today and mine is no worse or better...it just is my story.

I was loved by my parents and my two birth sisters who were 11 and 15 years older than me. They all played a role in parenting me to one degree or another, yet, I don't remember much of my childhood up to age 10. It is a blank except for a few memories.  I know there were times I did not feel safe. There were times I was not safe.  Certain events around age 6 and then when my dad died around age 7, are there but foggy or just out of my reach. The year I was 11 this fear of being alone and unsafe became more intense, and eventually I ended up moving in with my oldest sister, her husband and family who raised me until I went off to college.

Over the years I spent very little time alone overnight ~ we did have a big family after all, but when I did this unwelcome guest would come back to visit. I was embarrassed by it. Why couldn't I make it go away? Where was my faith when this particular fear came to visit? As I grew older it grew quieter and came around less often once I identified that I was responding to something I did not remember, and as an adult I could choose to respond differently. It went pretty well. Until recently.

Our Lyme and Homeopathic doctors are colleagues, and they discuss our cases together to work out what is the best treatment for us. In August our LLMD diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was stunned and argued against this diagnosis.  I still do and so does Joel. PTSD is for our returning vets, or others who have experienced great trauma in their lives.

So here comes in the homeopathic remedy I am taking. It is not only for Lyme disease and stomach issues but it is for emotional issues...I do not quite know how to explain it, I just know it is working! Whether you understand it or even believe it is certainly your own choice, but I know that I am experiencing the results of taking this remedy.  The remedy recreates the symptoms at a higher, more intense level so that it can help the body heal itself. This past summer it helped my immune system knock the Bartonella and Lyme for a loop. It still is. The Arsenicum Album is used for many many conditions and the emotional issue of fear of being unsafe or alone. The remedy is bringing up the emotions trapped in my body and in my memory so my body has the opportunity to resolve them. It is truly amazing...and hard work.  So when I take the remedy I can become anxious and afraid without knowing why...I have remembered a couple of events. Mostly the past is still all a mystery and may always be, but the emotions I feel are not...and they can hit me suddenly.

Ten days ago I started a new dose at a different value and the pain went down and my energy went up. I could tell it was a good dose for me. And then last Monday I had a crying session in the afternoon while talking to my oldest son. (Good grief) On Wed. with Joel gone, at around 5 pm I started to feel a great deal of anxiety when I could not get hold of him....(What was going on?) It passed in time with self talk. Then on Friday at around the same time, I was reading an email from a friend who was sharing about something bad that happened to her when she was alone and I ended up in some kind of anxiety attack. I have never had one before so I am not sure, but I immediately felt unsafe and terrified. I ended up calling Joel and I was sobbing and could hardly talk. After we hung up I just sat and did deep breathing, praying and telling myself that this was a reaction from long ago and I could just breath through it and let it go...An hour later I was fine again. I slept fitfully that night but was not afraid.

I was so confused by my behavior.......

Until I sat and looked back and tracked when these things were happening~ It was happening every other day about 2 hours after I took the remedy each and every time. (I take it every other day now) It was more intense when Joel was gone and I was actually alone in the house overnight.   I am surprised but cannot deny it is working through emotions. Evidentally certain things are triggering past emotions and I am experiencing them over again. It has been helpful to recognize why this is happening and be able to rein it in. Sunday night it started to happen again on a smaller level and I was able to distract myself and breath through it.

Now, why in heaven's name would I share such personal stuff on a public blog??? TMI for people? Maybe. I am being honest and transparent here because I do believe it can help someone else. I know that integrative and homeopathic doctors who treat disease of any kind are very knowledgeable and deeply care bout their patients. They know that to heal, we need to take care of the whole body....mind, body, emotions, and soul. The whole package!

I believe this will be very beneficial to my healing journey. And with Joel gone twice this month, I guess you could say I have been given opportunities to work through and let go of some of the emotions behind the fear, even though the mystery remains. Life often presents us with just what we need when we are ready to proceed. When I am in the middle of one of these "episodes" I may not feel so eager to move forward, but I know in the long run, it will get better...things will improve... I never ceased to be amazed at how wonderfully and intricately we have been created!

Saturday's Scribbles

2011-11-26T12:15:00.001-06:00

Good Saturday morning! The weather is damp and chilly here in Iowa with a rain/snow mix forecast for later today. On Thanksgiving it was 62 degrees here! We broke a few records with the heat...and I enjoyed having a window open to bring in fresh air.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, I hope you had a wonderful day filled with good food and the love of family and friends. My Thanksgiving was a quiet one here with Levi. Our oldest son and DIL wanted to bring up all their food and the kids ~come here and cook dinner and celebrate together so I would not be alone. Such a blessing ~ .BUT it just did not feel right to me. They have so little time off to relax and enjoy each others company and all that time in the car, carting everything up here, etc. just would be so selfish on my part. So, I enjoyed my sweet potato pie, some chicken and squash and a lot of phone calls due to Gr. T's health issues and it being a holiday. I watched a Waltons Thanksgiving special and shed a few tears of course. And believe it or not, I watched some of the Lady Gaga special...she is stranger that strange but she can sing!

Did you see the way people acted going into Black Friday? I seriously do not get it and it embarrasses me to think people in our country act this way. I just do not get it. The stores encourage the frenzy too all in the name of consumerism and greed.

When Joel was at the hospital with his mom, our good friend Dan walked in. He had driven an hour south on Friday, leaving his own family, to come and see Joel. When he told Joel he wanted to come see him, Joel told him to spend time with his family. Dan said, "Joel, you ARE family." What a precious gift those words were.

So, here we are heading into the Advent and Christmas season, and life just keeps happening while we are making other plans. That is why being flexible needs to be part of our vocabulary. For now I am waiting with anticipation for Joel to arrive home...he is only a few miles away.

Until next time............

Other Plans

2011-11-26T08:52:00.000-06:00

I just came in from taking Levi out for his morning business. I have been in charge of our little miniature schnauzer and myself the past few days while Joel has once again been gone. Life is what happens while you are making other plans.

When his mom was diagnosed with an aneurysm, we decided he should go up to his hometown and spend Thanksgiving with his mom. Circumstances have kept them from celebrating a holiday together for 17+ years. It took some convincing, but Joel finally said okay to going. He spent Wednesday with her, going out for lunch, taking her around to see the farmstead where she grew up, and then just visiting together out at Joel's older brother's lake home where Joel was staying.

While they were there she told Joel, "I don't think I will live long now". So Joel asked her why she was saying that....and she told him it was what she felt. (Remember, she has not been told about the aneurysm at this time) He then asked her, "Mom, are you ready to go?" And she replied, " I am. If the good Lord thinks it is time." He eventually took her back home and then went to see his cousin Luther for a long chat before heading back to the lake. Not long after we said our goodnight by phone, his brother called telling him Mom had been taken to ER with stomach pains. He dressed and headed back into town. The doctor on call said she had a perforated ulcer from medications and due to her aneurysm, surgery was not a good option. It was just a matter of time until her body became septic and she died. Being Joel has stood by the bedside of hundreds of people suffering or dying in his years as a pastor he was able to request certain things for his mom, keep an eye on her, talk over options honestly with her, and have good conversations with the doctors. He told his mom that she would likely die either from having surgery or not...and she said, "Okay. I am ready." They decided to try antibiotics with a 5% chance of them healing the ulcer.

Mom T was in and out of sleep and even her right mind that first day~ Thanksgiving. Joel slept in a recliner by her side and was able to calm her down and keep track of things that first night. His brother Doug came and spent time too, staying there while Joel went and ate dinner with his cousin and family. It was not how he planned to spend Thanksgiving, but life is what happens while making other plans.

Well, once again, Mom T. surprised us with her strong stamina for a 94 year old woman....and she rallied. With oxygen and a pain drip she started to improve yesterday ~ her memory became better, her color changed to a healthier glow, and she was stronger even though they are not feeding her yet and she is not able to sit up! The doctors are shaking their heads and telling Joel they don't know what to make of it......so a decision will be made on what comes next by Monday....but they have taken the word terminal off her chart for now!

It has been a real blessing for Joel to spend this time with his mom. They were able to visit, talk about her eventual death from the aneurysm, and just be together again after so many years. We expected he would be staying there until after her funeral, but he is on his way home today. Again, life is what happens while you are making other plans!

Joel has become very tired from not getting the sleep and rest he needs, and I, too, am feeling it here with managing my meals, getting the dog out, etc. Truth be told, it is not those things that cause me to go downhill, but the fears I have over spending nights alone. I am writing about that and will share it at another time if I feel led to do so. Joel is supposed to start work next Tuesday for a month. He is out of his thyroid meds, clean clothes, and most importantly we are both out of energy. It is time he comes home.

It was not easy to leave with his mom saying how much she would miss him, but she is holding her own for now and Joel expects her to go to the nursing home for a short stay before heading back to her assisted living apartment if all continues to go well. After much prayer and thought, we realized he needed to come home. He is on his way and I am looking forward to giving him a big hug when he gets here. I continue to learn how much life really is about what happens when you are making other plans!

Dinner's Ready?

2011-11-25T21:46:00.001-06:00

Today I decided to broil some turkey burgers. Now, I have not broiled anything for a long time, but I figured I have been cooking for over 50 years so it would all come back to me. Just like riding a bike...right? Unfortunately, Lyme has managed to make some processing hard for me. So strange when I used to cook for so many all the time!

I got the burgers ready, covered the bottom pan with foil, turned on the stove to broil, moved up the rack and in they went. Easy! 10 minutes on one side, 6-8 on the other is what I remembered. The first 10 minutes went by and I turned them over intending to watch them carefully when all of a sudden the smoke alarm in the entry way went off!. I used a newspaper to fan the alarm until it quit beeping...then the one in the dining room went off! I hurried in there and fanned that alarm until it quit. I had fogotten to put on the overhead fan! By the time I got back to the stove the burgers were getting black...so I took them out and as I did so, the entry way alarm went off again. Needless to say, by the time I got this alarm to be quiet, the dog was hiding, shaking from head to toe, I was tired and aching from waving my arms over my head, and my burgers were now not only blackened but cold!

I ate one anyway.

Dinner will be ready when the smoke alarm goes off!

Thanksgiving Blessings

2011-11-23T16:20:00.000-06:00

Several years ago I wrote a newsletter for chronically ill Christians called "The Encourager", having "inherited" it from a friend who could no longer keep doing it. During the 5 yrs I was editor it doubled in size, and I was sending out 145 newsletters to people in the US and several countries around the world. I enjoyed it so much, and felt I knew the members well, as they wrote me personal letters and often had prayer requests. It was a wonderful group of good people living with challenging illnesses. During this time I discovered that I really love to write. But, after 5 yrs, I had to let go of the newsletter due to it's size, my poor levels of health and my reactions to fresh ink.

When I passed the newsletter on to yet another, I learned that I not only love to write...I need to write. As a result of this knowledge, my blogs were born. It took me awhile to muster up the courage to start a blog~ like several months! Finally one day I woke up and thought...THIS is the day! I took a deep breath, and while asking myself..."how hard can this be?"....I took the plunge. And I have never looked back.

Here, at Renee's Reflections, I decided I wanted to record my journey with Lyme and life in general...and I wanted to be able to not only inform and share, but also encourage others on their own journey with Lyme, CFS/Me, and more. I have been surprised and delighted by the blessing this place has turned out to be for me. The most precious gift I have received has been the friends I have made here online. For some reason, I did not realize how much I would identify with those who gather in the cyber world, and how important these friends and followers would become on my journey. I have been encouraged, strengthened, inspired, educated, and comforted by our blogging community. I find it fascinating how we can "know" each other so well through the written word. I think that happens in part because of our willingness to be open, honest, and at times transparent.

On this Thanksgiving, I am giving thanks for those of you who come here to visit, and those of you whose virtual homes I have been welcomed into. I am so thankful I took the plunge, and found a world I can identify with, grow with, and laugh and cry with. I am blessed.

To those of you who celebrate~

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Gift of Family

2011-11-22T12:04:00.000-06:00

This Thanksgiving week has me thinking about our family. We are blessed to have an abundance of children, in-loves, grandchildren and extended family. When we had all our children living at home, including our foster daughter, there were 10 of us to grace our table without adding family or friends. Cooking for a crowd was no big deal since we were the crowd! Doing 27 loads of laundry a week was challenging, and the cost of keeping us fed was no easy feat, but we truly did enjoy those times...at least that is how I choose to remember it today!

Here is our family photo taken last Thanksgiving! (Some day I will explain about those who are always missing from the group) We had been posing for the camera too long and decided to do a silly snapshot! Everyone had a good time with it, but I confess this is NOT the one I sent out with the Christmas letter!

This Thanksgiving, I am remembering the joy of last year's gathering, I am remembering the year we forgot to put the sugar in the pumpkin pies and Joel's parents ate theirs without saying a word, Joel's and my first Thanksgiving together, a Thanksgiving at the "Meyer farm" with all of us singing, "Over the meadow and through the woods to Grandmother's house we go..." as we traveled there, and I am remembering a Thanksgiving guest that would not leave~~ a typhoon~ while living in the Philippines.

Family ~ the good, bad, and ugly~ teach us a lot about life, about living, and about love. The definition of FAMILY varies, but they are created from the heart.

The Treatment Rubik Cube

2011-11-21T17:44:00.002-06:00

From what I remember, when playing with a Rubik's Cube, the goal is to get each of the colors in the cube to match on one side. It takes time, effort, and a little luck to find what works in order to accomplish the goal. It is not an easy task, at least for me. I remember how frustrating it could be to figure it all out!

Treating Lyme Disease is much like working with a Rubik's Cube. We need to figure out how to make things work together for us...supplements, herbs, homeopathy, earthing, detoxing, decreasing stress, diet, etc. etc. We make the effort to find the right combination in order to get well. Our goal is to have it all come together so that our immune system functions normally, the body responds to the protocol, and healing takes place.

The problem is......each person needs a treatment plan individually formatted just for them.. What works for one does not necessarily work for the other. After over 4 years of treating Lyme and co infections I am still learning what works and what doesn't. Then there is the damage the bacteria has done to my body, and contributing factors like CFS and MCS and even the cancer I had in 2010. It is a long process with many twists and turns and changes. Healing dis-ease involves the whole body~ emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual. They all play a big role in how our body responds to illness or to circumstances in our lives.

Even with a Lyme doctor, a MCS/NAET practitioner, and a homeopathic doctor, it is a challenge to make any progress that holds for me. I am grateful that I don't have to try to solve the Lyme Rubik Cube treatment puzzle on my own. Nor do I have to solve it today....or tomorrow.

Do you believe in magic? Or is that miracles?

Saturday's Scribbles

2011-11-19T12:25:00.000-06:00

Good Saturday morning to you all from my corner of the world. Today's high will be 45 degrees with rain and a possible snowflake or two forecast for tonight. Hard to believe Thanksgiving is just around the corner with all this nice fall weather.
Speaking of nice weather, we took advantage of that and put the Christmas lights up on the front porch...we have never had them up so early, and we are already enjoying them. Hope to have the tree on the back deck by December 3rd.  Having it outside, we don't have to worry about how long it is up, or the smells of course which are a problem for me. Our neighbor behind us always put up two wreaths on either side of their patio door....so we enjoy their wreaths and they told us they love seeing our tree with its twinkling lights on our deck.   Nice.

Joel is going to be working at a church part time as an interim for the month of December. I hope the weather continues to be nice as he will travel 35 miles one way over back roads to get there. He is also filling in for a pastor tomorrow at a small town not too far from here. The extra money is nice and Joel likes preaching! I am going to need to pick up the slack here at home, so we are hoping for better energy for both of us.

We were told late this week that Joel's mom, who is soon to be 94, has an aneurysm close to her heart. There is nothing to do with it, so it is just a matter of time. The family there has decided to follow the doctor's suggestion and not tell her. Needless to say this news has saddened us deeply. Joel had hoped we would be living there by now so he could see her every day for a few minutes. His older brother has lived on the family farm his whole life. But....life had other plans for us. So glad Joel was able to go up and see her recently.

Did you see the Gabby Giffords special on TV? Amazing. Her husband is such a support and she has such determination and courage. Inspiring! We also watched the Regis special with Katie Curic. Thought that was great. Joel and I watched the last Regis and Kelly show on the Internet yesterday afternoon. He does know how to make people laugh.

Speaking of laughing, I hope you enjoyed the sayings and quips I shared in my last post.  Some of them Still make me chuckle. And thanks for your encouragement with my monsoon post. At times life just feels like a monsoon of troubles and there is nothing to do but acknowledge it, wallow in the mud a bit, and then get back up and dance in the rain. Sometimes I have a baditude attitude when I need more of a gratitude attitude!! I struggle with how to be honest with how I feel and what is going on without bringing everyone down in the mud with me!

Has anyone seen the Target ads that are on TV about Black Friday. Seriously, they are so offensive to me showing a woman who is frantic about being in shape for the big rush at 1 minute after 12 Friday am. I heard WalMart is not even closing for Thanksgiving. Just to BUY things? Come on!!!!!!  I am all for a good deal, but they are trying to suck the joy right out of the holiday. Instead of giving thanks it is now all about getting. Let us have just one Holiday please............

I am reading "The Help", "The Art of Happiness" and "Be Still My Soul". Quite a variety...I should be long finished with The Help, but I have not been in the mood for fiction. What are you reading?

Until next time.....

A Few Good Laughs

2011-11-18T16:45:00.000-06:00

Lately we have been getting a huge number of catalogs in the mail...from companies I have never heard of. I expect I ordered something from somewhere and they sold my address to other companies..gotta love it. Anyway, Joel was looking through one of those catalogs and they had several plaques, T-shirts, and other objects with quotes or saying on them. He started reading them out loud and before long we were giggling, and then laughing hard. Comic relief. It was wonderful.

I thought I would share a few with you all....enjoy!

Remember~

As far as anyone knows

we are a normal family...

~~~

It's not a hot flash

it is a

little summer vacation

you take

all by yourself!

~~~

Please...

let me drop everything

and work on

YOUR problem....

Sometimes I laugh so hard

the tears

run down my legs!

~~~

Good morning~

Let the stress begin!

~~~

Cinderella is proof

that shoes

can change your life....

~~~

I huffed and I puffed

and

I got up out of my chair!

~~~

Friends are like bras

Close to your heart

and all about

support.

~~~

(and one of my favorites

to tease Joel with)

Jesus loves you

BUT

I am His favorite!

I hope this made you smile.....laughter is so good for the soul!

A Regular Monsoon

2011-11-17T09:27:00.000-06:00

The sun is shining, the sky is clear but it is storming here. It is raining hard. The house is warm, the windows are closed, but it is storming inside our abode. It is raining in sheets. A regular monsoon.

Joel and I are both feeling the storms...soaked and chilled to the bone by the heavy rain. We are hunkered down, subdued, worried and trying not to be. I am exhausted.....so very very tired. So weary. I want to ask the same old questions that come to me too often of late.....the "whys" and "hows" that reverberate in the air and are never answered to my satisfaction.

I remember the words....

LIFE is not about waiting for the storms to pass,

it is learning how to DANCE in the rain.

We are trying Lord.

Yuck!

2011-11-15T16:49:00.000-06:00

I have had a couple of people ask me how I am doing or share they are thinking of me....thank you!
Things are rough right now between a cold/flu virus I picked up from Joel late last week and the worst pain I have had in 9 yrs. I have continual muscle cramp like pains in arms and legs, the tendons are pulled tight, joints are very painful and neuropathy is high again all over. Yuck. Needless to say it is hard to type.

A Skype appointment with my homeopathic doctor and a long phone visit with my practitioner have given me somewhere to go....for now that is my recliner. Muscle testing, medical intuition and the ability to "see things" is coming from my homeopath and practitioner who tell me the Lyme is "screaming 'I don't want to die" and causing my nerve endings to fire as it bites the dust with as much noise as possible. Yuck. Note: Four years ago I would not have believed in all this muscle testing, medical intuitive, visual stuff...but have seen it work too often to deny it now.

I expect that the Lyme bacteria is looking at the remedy and saying..".Hey that does not belong here. Yuck..that is not a monster like us! "

Serously, at times it is hard to keep going, but I am hopeful that the change in LM remedy dosage will lessen the pain and work better with my body...we will see. I am through putting up with so much pain while trying to heal. Thank heaven for TV and books to distract me and tears when things are tough.

Thanks sweet Ginny for all your comments.

Seeking The Right Door

2011-11-13T17:25:00.000-06:00

The past few months I have been having dreams at night that all have a common theme...or should I say destination? I keep dreaming that I am in a house, or in a building, and I cannot find my way out. Sometimes I dream there are all these winding hallways filled with doors and each door I enter has me walking into darkness, so I continue on as I search and search, with no way out. Sometimes there are other people with me ~ adults or children~ and I am in charge of finding the way out for everyone....Over the last several months I have never, no not once, dreamt that I found the way out. I have never found the right door.

It does not take a brain surgeon to figure out the analogy of these dreams. I am trying to find my way out of Lyme Disease...of CFS....MCS. I am trying to find the "right treatment" for Lyme, to heal my immune system ~ the one "door" that will give me back my life or let me escape it.

Speaking of treatments, Ginny over at Living With Lyme asks the question, "How do you know if a treatment is helping you or not?" I am asking that myself. I never expected homeopathy to cause me so much suffering....so is it the homeopathic "memories" coming back, die off/herxing. or is the Lyme now winning the battle? How do we know? Tomorrow I will be asking my homeopathic doctor the same question.

Michelle over at, The Ragamuffin Saint, wrote a beautiful post on struggling with Lyme, pursuing acceptance, and trusting God with the rest. It is exactly what I have been spending my time thinking and praying about this past week. I really am weary of running down those empty hallways desperately searching for the right door to let me escape where I find myself or give me all the answers I long for. Somehow, Michelle seems to be speaking my heart too. I just love when that happens.

Donna over at The Brighter Side, has been reading Toni's book, "How To Be Sick" and is sharing her insights along the way. I identify so much with what she shares too. I often find that things come to you when you most need them...for me, God's perfect timing.

My struggles, with Lyme/CFS, acceptance, and trust continue to wax and wane. I expect I still have much to learn, so I have decided to pull up a rocker in front of a window inside that house of my dreams with no visible way out, and relax, reflect, and trust God with what comes. I have already been given treasures to enjoy from Michelle, Donna, and Ginny. I wonder what tomorrow will bring!

Cautiously Optimistic

2011-11-08T13:33:00.000-06:00

Joel and I are pleasantly surprised at how quickly he has recovered from the trip. We are cautiously optimistic! He crashed Sunday and part of Monday and now is doing good again. He even went out with the mower and picked up leaves, resting when he needed to and napping when he was done. So far he is holding steady. Oh this is good news.
I have not gone downhill as far as I used to either...so we are cautiously optimistic that I will began my journey back from last week's stress and activity too. Sometimes I don't realize how much energy I do have since the pain is so high again it masks my progress anywhere else.

EARTHING UPDATE

Joel could not sleep with the earthing devise at his brothers, so went two night without it and did not sleep as well. At our daughter and SIL's he used it and slept better. We are thrilled for him and hope that I can start using it daily too.

Behind Closed Doors

2011-11-07T13:50:00.001-06:00

I stepped out on the porch to get a breath of fresh air. The neighbor across the street was putting her garbage out on the curb and waved, asking me how I was doing....I replied," I am fine, you?" She replied and went back inside and so did I, getting back into my recliner.

Behind closed doors....

Joel was gone for 4 days and 3 nights. I tried to stay off the phone saving that for Joel's calls to me and I did not do much else besides what I knew was necessary. Taking the dog out 4 times a day, getting my meals, doing clean up, and trying to sleep in this big house alone took all my energy. Let alone the time change and picking up the slack for Joel yesterday...whoever feels less sick needs to take care of the other "sicker" one. We were both exhausted by nightfall.

Behind closed doors.

Joel traveled up to his home town, stopping half way to nap before arriving at his brother's home. A good night's sleep and he was ready to go into town to visit with him mom, his cousin Luther, and his aunts ~ one in a nursing home and one still on the farm. After a short nap he then took his mom up to our niece's home for a family gathering and supper....before heading back to town to drop off his mom. He then traveled the 15 miles south of town to the family farm again. One nap and all that visiting. Adrenaline carried him through until bedtime and even the next day when he went back into town and saw his mom and cousin one more time before heading to our daughter and SIL's an hour south. The kids were so excited to see him, but the level of noise immediately caused him to lose his balance whenever he tried to walk. He needed sleep. The next day he had to travel back home 5 hrs..but stopped for a nap half way and then a visit with my sister, Jo, who raised me. He could hardly wait to get home and get into bed. After close to 10 hours of sleep and two naps totaling 4 hours yesterday he crashed and was unable to sit upright without feeling ill.

Behind closed doors.

Today we were making plans for when Joel could get the leaves picked up from under the maple tree First, it would take 20 minutes to get the mower ready as we don't use it much with the neighbor mowing our yard. Then a rest period for Joel followed by 20 minutes of work and then another rest period, and so on and so on. If these rest periods are not worked in another crash will quickly follow. It would be easier to hire someone to do this, but we budgeted that one time for the major leaf pick up and now must "do it ourselves". Like most people with CFS and Lyme, the medical costs are high and money is limited.

Behind closed doors....

Today Joel took me for a little ride. I had not left the house again for 3 weeks. We were gone around 30 minutes with one stop while Joel went into the Dollar Store to buy two birthday cards. When we got home, I took a very short walk down our driveway and back and then sat on our porch a few minutes. I had to decide whether to do that or try to sauna and then take a bath. The fresh air won that toss.

Behind closed doors...

These scenarios and more are being played out across the CFS/Lyme world by thousands of people. Unless you are someone who has CFS/Lyme or are close to someone who does, you don't really see all that goes on behind closed doors. The effort and planning it takes to get through each day. The strength and determination to keep going. The faith it takes to keep hoping things will get better. It all takes place......

Behind closed doors.

YET, I believe all of us would say we live good lives. We are basically happy, and know that we are blessed. Do we wish things were different? You bet. Do you desire to feel as good as we look? Of course. Do we wish we did not need to go into a push-crash cycle to interact in the real world? Oh yes! But like evangelist Joyce Meyer says, "It is what it is and we just have to learn to deal with it!"

And so we do....

Behind closed doors.

Saturday's Scribbles

2011-11-05T11:58:00.000-05:00

Good Saturday morning to you! It is a beautiful day here in Iowa with a high of 60 forecast for November 5th! Nice! Our Maple has finally dropped its leaves, long after all the other trees are bare and the leaf-removal-machine-guy has gone. Joel will try to take care of this one himself I expect.

Speaking of Joel, he will be coming home tonight after being gone since Wednesday morning. He went up to NW Minnesota to see his mom and family. We do not spend much time apart anymore, and he called me 6 times the first day! Besides spending a lot of time with his mom, he saw his two brothers and their families, his cousins, had supper with two nieces and their families, and visited his his two aunts. Aunt Pearl is 104 and his Aunt Harriet is 99~ Joel's mom will be 94 in December. Those ladies must have good genes! All three were teachers and lived on farms too. As soon as Joel gets north of the Twin Cities (Mpls./St. Paul) he finds himself smiling...he loves the rolling hills, trees, and wilder landscape. It is one of the things he misses most from his childhood.

Yesterday he went to our daughter and SIL's an hour south of his hometown and spent the evening visiting, before heading home today. He did not see them long, and could not visit friends~ just no time, but this visit was mostly for him mom. She misses him. He had such a good time, slept good at night, and managed a couple of naps too. I am so thankful he could go....

.....and at the same time I am so ready for him to come home! I do not like being here alone overnight in this big ol' house. Ugh. Moving on......seriously, we do not need all this space. When we bought it we felt we needed the square footage due to me being unable to go many places and so that we would have all this space for the many times our whole family would gather. If wishes could come true! Our whole family only gathers once a year. Joel and I spend all our time in only about half of the house! For many reasons, we have decided we need a one level, smaller home that works for Joel and me. For now we are thankful for the house we have...all the windows, the nice neighbors, views of nature, but downsizing will be a very good thing!

I was watching Brian Williams new show, Rock Center that airs on Monday nights. They were in Willison, North Dakota which is way over on the western side of the state, north of Theodore Roosevelt Park. They are having an oil boom there and the size of the town has doubled in just a year. Lots of job openings, and of course the town is building like crazy to house people and have a bigger hospital, etc. We used to live 75 miles from there over in Medicine Lake Montana back in the early 80's. We did some shopping and doctoring there and it is the closest place the Amtrak was available. I rode that more than once and Joel too. I heard that one small town near there, Stanley, has so much oil that everyone there is now a millionaire. Life is full of surprises and some of them are even good!

I am reading the book, "The Help". It is very good and I look forward to the movie. I am also rereading Toni's book, "How To Be Sick". What are you reading?

Until next time....

Reflections On My Quest For Wellness

2011-11-02T13:35:00.001-05:00

I have been thinking back over the years about all the treatment plans I have tried from a number of doctors, practitioners, homeopaths, and naturopaths on my quest to get well. Lets not forget also the advice from family, friends, and even strangers ~ advice I requested, and some I did not. I could fill a room with all the supplements, herbs, medications, and devices I have used~ I have never added up the costs to us financially over the past 27+ years, and am not sure I want to know. The cost to both Joel and me emotionally and mentally cannot be measured.

I have shared before how our family doctor declared I was not sick, but just a "menstruating female" when he could not get answers from the many blood tests he did. I went to Mayo Clinic and had "mixed reviews" in 1991. The rheumatologist told me he thought I had Lupus and to keep seeing a specialist until it could be officially diagnosed. The main doctor told me I had some kind of chronic fatigue syndrome...and his treatment plan? Go home, get into therapy, eliminate stress, and it will all go away. I did as he told me, and the therapist told me, "You are really sick, don't stop until you find out what it is!". During this time I saw a chiropractor who also told us I was very ill and he treated me for FREE for over a year as he tried to get me back on my feet.  I saw an infectious disease specialist who tested me for a number of viruses including AIDS "just in case", even though my history made that a zero to none possibility. I then went to a naturopath who over a 5 yr period helped me to become strong enough to drive and shop. She helped me the most with homeopathy, acupuncture, and allergy treatments. And then, unbeknown to me, I was reinfected with Lyme. When my naturopath moved to Boston I stopped seeing anyone for awhile but the pain was intense. I then went to an integrative doctor in Chicago who put me on Oxycontin and told me there is no such thing as CFS.  I took the meds for 3 weeks and the pain went away but so did my personality....and when I went off that powerful painkiller I had more pain for awhile than before! Then I found a Riki nurse who tried to help me with the pain. She was the first to connect that something was going on in my brain (Lyme) but I could not afford to keep seeing her. A massage therapist helped me reduce muscle pain for awhile along with an acupuncturist I saw every two weeks but lived an hour away, and by then Joel was feeling too sick to drive me. Until 2007, no one ever tested me for Lyme. Eventually I was told by a dear friend that she thought I had Lyme and she was relentless in getting me to a Lyme doctor to find out. Eventually I headed to a LLMD and she diagnosed me with Lyme, Bartonella, Babesia, Erhlichia, MCS, and CFS/ME. Antibiotics helped some, along with herbs. At her suggestion I now also see an homeopath.  I have been treated for allergies by a NAET practitioner for the past 4 yrs who also uses EFT. There are other doctors I have not listed here ~ just too many to name.

I have tried or am using EFT, Askok Gupta's retraining of the amygdala, homeopathy, meditation, herbs, abx, supplements, diet, healing prayers, earthing, massage, acupuncture, Riki, oil pulling, saunas, etc. etc.

I have had times where I felt good enough to drive a car and shop on my own, I have had times where I have spent most of my time in bed, too weak to even dress or shower alone. I have had times where the pain subsided to a quiet rumble and others times where it has me begging for mercy. I have had days where I felt close to normal and oh, how freeing that felt. There have been ups and downs over the years but not one day where I have not had symptoms or fatigue.

I have been told I am not sick at all, that it is all in my head. I have been told that I am only depressed or that I want attention. I have been told if I would just get up and DO something I would feel better. I have been told that my doctors don't know what they are doing, that I don't know what I am doing. And I have been told that I WANT to be sick or I would be well. I have been told that if I would just think positive, I would be well. I have been told that if I just believed and trusted God enough, I would be healed.

And yet. Here I am. Still in my recliner. Still struggling with bone crushing pain and relentless fatigue. I am not well. I am not even close to being 50% well or functional.  It all has me in a place of reflection as I look back, look around, and look to my future.  I am in the process of shifting my center, my mindset, my focus. I sense a change coming from within, and it feels right.

The Daily Process

2011-11-01T16:32:00.000-05:00

Our friend, Toni Bernhard posted an article on Facebook that a woman named Sarah Habein had written about her own journey with CFS. She incorporates her story into a book review on Toni's book, "How To Be Sick", and it can be found here: Sarah Habein .

While reading, I scanned through the CFS primary and secondary symptoms that Sarah had listed, and was surprised to find myself identifying with most all of them. The surprise came for me because this list could easily be a list for Lyme symptoms too. I had forgotten how much these two illnesses overlap. It makes me wonder if the symptoms are due to an immune dysfunction and not necessarily the illnesses themselves. It is believed that CFS comes from a virus, while Lyme comes from bacteria. I don't think it truly is that black and white though, but much more complicated than we realize. Why do some people get Lyme and others do not? Are their immune systems compromised at the time of infection? Why do some people have severe CFS while others function quite well. There are many unanswered questions and the cure for either dis-ease is not yet known.

On another note, Toni's book, "How To Be Sick" is a Buddhist-inspired guide, but you do not have to be a Buddhist to gain insights and help from this book. As I have said before, I embrace this book from a Christian's perspective. It was not difficult for me to take it's energy and put it into my faith based life. I have read so about so many people who have found support within it's pages. I have, and continue to learn from it as I struggle with acceptance and letting go.

So, once again I have reading about living my life from a place of joy and peace, and pondering the task of finding balance in my quest for improvement and enjoying my life as it is. It is a daily process.

A Few Tidbits On The ILADS Conference

2011-10-31T08:25:00.000-05:00

I only watched tidbits of the ILADS conference in Toronto this weekend, so for a complete summary I would visit their site or go to a place like "Better Health Guy" to get a comprehensivce study. Joanne over at Looking At Lyme also has some videos posted. There links are listed on the right side of my blog.

I was looking forward to hearing different speakers share their insights on such topics as Babesia, Mold Toxicity, and Integrative and Naturopath treatments in Lyme. It was educational, but with all honesty, at the same time it scared me. I found myself tightening up as doctor after doctor talked about the multi-system involvement of Lyme and its friends, and the words, "no cure" were often spoken. I knew this, but hearing it from the experts was still difficult.  Denial?

On the positive side, there are some great doctors working hard to find help for the many hundreds of thousands of people around the world inflicted with this horrible disease.  From what I understand, the goal is to kill off as much bacteria as possible, put the pathogen into remission, and keep it in a dormant state with the now healthy immune system being able to take over. I heard over and over again that STRESS triggers Lyme to re-activate it in our bodies. I have also heard that a surgery, a virus, or other illnesses can do the same. Just how do we avoid stress? Live an "island life" one doctor says, but not many of us can afford that.

I heard several times that diet makes a big difference, having the hormones balanced, getting the immune system to work properly is number 1, and lets not forget exercise, and staying rested and calm. Organic foods, physical therapy, supplements, herbs, anotibiotics, doctor appointments, allergy treatments, homeopathy etc. etc. etc.   Okay, then...righty dighty....easy-peasy!

I heard a doctor, who was extremely ill with MCS for years, speak about mold toxicity and how if you have mold in your home somewhere...anywhere, it compromises your immune system and sets you up for illnesses like Lyme, CFS, cancer, or MCS. This is so so so important and is ignored by so many people. We all know what happened to Dominique, our friend and fellow blogger, when she had a long standing mold exposure. Joel and I have both been treated for mold allergies once or twice and both of us became quite ill with flu like symptoms after the treatments. We have lived with mold in a couple of our homes over the years and I noticed our kids had an increase in allergies during and after this too. Mold can make us sick...or sicker.

Going back to the positive side of the streaming videos I watched, I am grateful for how hard the doctors and researchers are working to find something to stop this disease and heal bodies that are damaged in tissues, organs, bones, and beyond. There is hope. There is help. There may not be a cure yet, but there is remission and a better life.  Thank God for the doctors willing to risk their careers to help their patients.

Saturday's Scribbles

2011-10-29T12:06:00.000-05:00

Good Saturday morning to you! Thanks for coming by and reading my scribbles~ my random thoughts for Saturdays....well, probably every day since I live with a Lyme brain, but on Saturday my scribbles are deliberate! It is another beautiful fall day here with temperatures heading into the 50's, sunshine and very little wind. I can remember when this time of year often meant snow in Montana or at the least very cold weather. I am enjoying this while it lasts.

Speaking of enjoyment, I am still basking in the glow of my sister Jan's short visit. I did not share in my other post how hard she tries to come to our home and not cause me any reactions to chemicals or tire us out. She insisted both she and her husband Lanny shower as soon as they got here. She then put on clothes she keeps here just for visits ( she used to come and stay with us for several days) ~ free of dryer sheet smells and strong detergent odors. Her husband insisted on wearing Joel's clothes..they fit quite well so that was nice. She offered to buy him something new and wash it here but I said no to that! She did not use any hair products besides ours and no make-up while she was here. Now, my sister loves to be dressed nice, wear make-up and hair spray and the rest...but is willing to come and hang out without all the products that cause me headaches, air hunger and more pain and fatigue. BLESS HER HEART! I appreciate it more than she will ever know.

I have been watching the ILADS conference in Toronto...still on today if you wish to tune in. The link is in a former post. I kept hearing doctors speak about how we can get Lyme to no longer be a pathogen and go into remission but something like stress can trigger it once again (okay, where is that island for us to move to).....or a surgery...or another bad infection....or molds.....food allergies. It is sobering but educational.

On a lighter note did anyone see Castle this week (on Monday nights). I am NOT a fan of Halloween or a "lets scare ourselves" kind of gal...and it creeped me out! Joel had a good laugh over me being spooked by their spooky show. We have our candy bought and Joel will greet the trick-or- treaters while I try to keep Levi from going nuts. All the people coming to the door both wires him up and exhausts him...Hmmmmm sounds a bit like CFS or Lyme!

We have not watched any movies, but Joel enjoyed the season finale of "Top Shot" on the History channel, and I watched the season finale of Project Runway. I have not been reading much except for Gupta's book on retraining the amygdala. So, what are you reading?

Until next time.....

ILADS Conference In Toronto

2011-10-28T16:25:00.001-05:00

I have been watching some of the International Lyme conference in Toronto today. They have a live streaming video where you can watch some of the presenters, many of whose names are very familiar in the Lyme world. Dr. Charles Jones spoke today on gestational Lyme, also answering many questions about Lyme in children. Dr. Jones is respected by all Lyme doctors ~ having treated over 10,000 children with Lyme and co infections from every state, every province and countries around the world.

Dr. Jones told of one boy age 7 who came into his office with his parents. He had been diagnosed with a form of autism. He ran around the room in circles, but could not and never had spoken a word in his short life. When Dr. Jones notice he could make eye contact with him, he took this childs face and placed his hands on each cheek and said to him, I think I have the key to unlocking your brain, Timmy. After diagnosing him with Lyme he was put on antibiotics. Just 4 months later Timmy came into the office walked up to Dr. Jones and put his small hands on Dr. Jones face, and said ~"Thank you for finding the key to my brain". In just 4 months he could speak and felt calm inside..no more running in circles and definitely no more autism.

If anyone wants to tune in tomorrow to the conference to hear other topics on Lyme, just go to the link I have listed here.

ILADS Live Video For International Lyme Conference

Earthing: Reflecting on life and the earthing journey

2011-10-27T13:10:00.000-05:00

Joel has now been earthing for a month and he is still having good results. Sometimes he is sleeping so well he only gets up once a night instead of 3-4 times and his restless legs only increased for a short time when he upped the dose of his homeopathic remedy. The remedy is trying to move this symptom out of his body. The restless legs are gone once again and his pain levels continue to be lower and often gone. Nice. When we can do so, he purchase the half sheet for the bed as that is even more powerful.

I have not started earthing again but will do so today or tomorrow at a snail's pace...just like everything else I try!
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The past week has been a turmoil. Another long talk with my homeopath, who treats all physical and emotional symptoms since they are interconnected, and I am back on track. I am on a tiny dose of the homeopathic remedy, resting more, and setting firm boundaries around the continual extended family situation and any future ones! My doctor's words..."It is time to take care of RENEE and stop thinking you have to take care of the world....or my corner of it! I don't feel like I do that, but that is what others close to me tell me happens. Guess I am the last to know! Ha.....Here's an example of what I mean~ when someone calls to vent or dump all their emotional upsets or negative energy on me....they feel better when they hang up and I feel ~ worse!! It affects me physically just like when I push my body too hard and I have come to a point where I am not willing to do that anymore. It is just hard for certain people to understand that, but necessary. So necessary. So, this week has been confusing, exhausting, stressful, exhilarating, fun (with my sister Jan), and very enlightening. Sounds a lot like life doesn't it!

Sisterly Love

2011-10-26T19:04:00.001-05:00

This morning I said a tearful good-bye to my sister Jan and her husband of 7 months, Lanny. They came yesterday for a visit...arriving at 4pm and leaving at 10am today. Jan had not been here for 3 years and it was wonderful to give her hugs and sit side by side on the sofa catching up. Oh, how I miss her smile, warm hand on my back, and sisterly love.

Looking at the photo of the two of us, besides my eyes being closed, it never ceases to amaze me how old and sickly I look. Jan is 11 years OLDER than me. Yep. You would never know. She looks younger and I am trying not to be envious of that !!! Jan is always on the go~traveling constantly with three homes to nest in ~TX, Kansas, and S.D. She loves to line dance, makes fleece blankets for everyone, and does texting with her grandkids and kids, besides a gazillion other things! She loves family, which was evident when she had tears in her eyes while looking at the recent photo of our oldest son's kids. She does not see any of my family much. We have a special bond since she helped raise me too. She was 11 when I was born and I took my first steps to her. She took me in for a few months when I was 10, and I spent more than one summer with her. Our voices sound so much alike that her husband Lanny, who had never met Joel or I before, kept saying if I don't look at who is talking I always think it is Jan! When we lived in The Philippines we would send each other cassette tapes so we could "visit" and one time she listened to a tape in her player and was crying and thinking about how much she missed me when she heard what she thought was my voice talking about her son Billy! She was listening to a tape of her voice she had made for me and crying! We have laughed at that for years~

It was great sunshine for my soul to have her come by. After they left today Joel and I slept for 1 1/2 hrs and this afternoon Joel slept for another 2 1/2 hrs. while I rested. Visiting takes alot of energy..but it was worth its weight in gold. We are resting with smiles on our faces and healing joy coursing through our veins... There is nothing like a good dose of sisterly love!

Saturday's Scribbles

2011-10-22T11:36:00.000-05:00

It's Saturday morning here in Iowa The sun is shining, the weather is warm again, and fall is showing us its best today. Our hanging baskets are still flowering and our pot of geraniums is bursting with hot pink blossoms. Halloween is just around the corner, but summer blooms just do not want to let go. That's fine with me!

Speaking of Iowa, did any of you see the story of the couple from our state who had been married 72 yrs, were in a bad car accident and died one hour apart from each other in the ICU of a hospital while holding hands. Their son was there and when his dad stopped breathing he still had a heartbeat...the nurse said that was because they were holding hands so his mom's heartbeat was still coming through the dad's monitor until she died. Amazing story. Amazing. Joel always says that when we die it will be together~ we will just be walking in our garden, holding hands, and leave this earth together. Reading this story makes that seem possible!

I am so excited that we are finally able to bring our wool living room rug upstairs...after 18 months or more since we bought it, and several shampoos later, I can tolerate it. Yahoo. It will keep our feet warm with our tile floors getting so cold in the winter. I often think we should be living in CA or AZ where tile floor are the norm. I don't like AC though, so lets see, what part of AZ or CA could we live in and not have to use much heat or much air....but have it be juuuuust right! Sounds like Goldilocks and The Three Bears a bit, doesn't it!

Joel and I watched the movie, "Hearafter" last Sat. evening. Dark, haunting, sad, with a little redeeming value and happily ever after at the end." There are just not many movies out there that are even worth the $1 to rent them! I have to say, Joel and I have two shows we absolutely love....NCIS with Agent Gibbs, and Castle. They both have good plots and often make us laugh. Laughing is good!

Speaking of laughing, I am finding that hard to come by this week with a bad crash and so many nasty symptoms...Still...Again....Endless. Guess it is time to pull out a Laverne and Shirley DVD...or maybe watch Mad About You.

I am still reading Wayne Mueller's book, How Then Shall I Live? and Askok Gupta's Retraining The Amygdala book. People with CFS and MCS have had great success by following his program. So, my question for you today is, "Knowing you will die, how then shall you live?" I have been contemplating that this week while reading Mueller's book. Insightful!

Until next time.........

Pitching My Tent

2011-10-20T09:11:00.000-05:00

Tuesday night I was feeling pretty bummed. The two hour eye appointment on Monday was catching up to me and I made the mistake of having a NAET treatment for gasoline Tuesday afternoon. What was I thinking?? I wasn't. No sense beating myself up, just plan ahead better and don't expect so much from myself.

Anyway, I was and am still having major symptoms going on from the eye appointment, NAET treatment, and Bartonella reproduction cycle (every three weeks). Tuesday night weariness settled in somewhere between a few what ifs and how long must I do this! When I find myself on this dead-end road, I know I need to read something inspirational.

I found just what I needed at a blog I visit ~ Steph and Kim. Kim has been writing lately about hope and sharing with her readers a "dose of daily hope". Kim was diagnosed with Lyme and coinfections over two decades after becoming sick...just like me. (Although she is a lot younger than I am!) She shares her journey to wellness and what worked and is still working for her, even after her Lyme went into remission.

What I learned last night was that I had already connected with Kim before I started reading her blog. She was part of a 40 prayer and fasting I did this past summer with a prayer group I belong to. She remembered who I was, and when she emailed me about that I remembered her from my notes. Not only was I inspired and encouraged by her posts on hope, but I was blessed by her email and our connection. I just love when things like that happen!

So I have been reflecting on hope....One of my favorite verses in the Bible comes from The Message translation~ "I have pitched my tent in the land of Hope!" I see this in you fellow bloggers and readers. When I visit your cyber homes I read about some pretty difficult challenges you encounter, sometimes on a daily basis...but there is always hope there. Oh, at times we all feel pretty beat up by life, whether we are battling an illness or not, but across the board, we wake up to a new day with new hope and determination. We have pitched our tents in the land of Hope. It is a good place to be. Need some inspiration and encouragement? Visit a friend's blog and it will help you stay grounded in hope. Just take a deep breath and fill your lungs with it! Hope. It is a good way to start the day!

Bright Lights, Red Squares, And A Ride I Did Not Need

2011-10-17T17:27:00.000-05:00

I went to the eye specialist here in town today. It is not my favorite thing to do. I had an eye exam, then a visual field test that I absolutely detest. You look at a small bright light with one eye while the other is covered with a hard plastic patch that is fastened to your head. Then you need click this little hand held button every time you see a light somewhere in the vision field. This goes on for 5 minutes while you stare at this light and a bright white background. Then you switch to the other eye for 5 more minutes. Can anyone say visual sensitivity? White always hurts my eyes, it is why I am trying to find a different blog template. I become a bit wired and agitated during this test...maybe it is just because it annoys me, but I expect it is a reaction to the lights. Yesterday bright colors were "hurting" my eyes, so I should have realized today would be difficult.

After the exam I was given numbing drops and drops to dilute my eyes. The pressure was checked and I was sent to sit in the waiting area while they had time to work. All these drops are "iffy" for me with my MCS, but it went fine today. I then had to have pictures taken of the inside of my eyes. More bright lights and seeing red squares ~ no not spots ~ bright red squares for several minutes after.

By the time I got back to our eye doctor's little cubicle I was getting pretty ornery. We waited and waited and finally the doctor comes in and shines a few more very bright lights into my eyes and then without warning goes behind me and swiftly brings the chair backwards until my head is way lower than my feet. A loud protest came from inside me! This was a ride I did not expect to take!!! "Oh, I'm sorry, I forget that OLDER people have trouble with this ~ I should have warned you." he says. S.E.R.I.O.U.S.L.Y ????

NOW I am really crabby. O l d e r??????people. Most of the people he sees are 80...now that is older...NOT 63. I am so annoyed by now. He then says to me, "Thank you for wearing a mask for me.." I repeat, "For you? I did not wear it for YOU. ....I wore it to protect me!" He thought I had a cold and was protecting him.

This Dr. is a really great eye specialist who has a son with Lyme Disease, and has helped Joel for years with his recurrent corneal erosion. He is a nice guy, but I find him always working with one foot out the door to get on to the next patient.

After checking my chart he says to me, "Don't I usually see you every 6 months? " I said, "Yes but I did not feel like coming, so I waited." "Oh, was his reply, that's okay. We will have you come back in a year then." Score one for me! Maybe my bad attitude is paying off.

When he is finished, he turns to his little recorder and starts telling this machine all the results of my exam....before every saying anything to me. When he is done, I say, "Okay, now my turn...and in English!" Joel joined in on this, although later he gently told me I was pretty crabby with the doctor. My tone was off...okay. Gotcha Sigh....

So, bottom line, my eyes are the same, although the cataracts are growing they are growing very very slowly. Eye pressure is the same too. As far as my emotional status? Not so good....crabby, wired from the lights, feeling a major headache coming on, and acid reflux after weeks without it! I think the tests got to me. I think the Bart is dying....yeah, that's why I am so crabby, having acid reflux, and I am stressed. At least that is my story and I am sticking to it! Although, maybe I can just blame it all on being one of those OLDER PEOPLE!

Saturday's Scribbles

2011-10-15T13:23:00.001-05:00

Good Saturday morning to you~ It is a crisp fall day here with sunshine, strong winds, and a high of 64 forecast for our corner of the world. I really like this kind of weather, and I am ignoring the meteorologists who are telling us we are going to have a colder than normal winter with more snow! Today is a beautiful day and I am enjoying it!

Speaking of enjoyment, we had a great time on Wednesday afternoon when old friends from our seminary days came by for a visit. We have kept in contact through the years and they have been so supportive and faithful during our adventures with Lyme and CFS. We had a few good laughs, talked a mile a minute, and got in plenty of hugs. What a nice break in our week! Of course the 3 hrs of visiting has me bonding more with my recliner, but it was worth it!

Joel is reluctantly going to hire someone to cut a large branch that is scrapping the tall part of the roof on our house. In Joel's healthier days, he would just climb up there himself on a ladder or scaffolding and take care of it. Heights have never bothered him. Once in the Philippines I found him balancing near the top of a very narrow and high metal base where our antenna sat. He must have been 30 ft. off the ground! I think this comes from climbing up to the top of the barn and silos as a kid. Sigh...

Did you watch the Diane Sawyer special last night on Children of the Plains? The Lakota tribe lives on mostly barren land southwest of Rapid City, S.D. on the Pine Ridge reservation. I spent my early childhood in Deadwood S.D. and the Black Hills always bring me some sense of "going home". It was hard to watch this special for many reasons, one being our son that died nearly 7 yrs ago (age 25) was from the Northern Cheyenne tribe in Montana. Just seeing the people and watching their native dances, etc. brought him to mind. Another reason was the sadness of a forgotten people who have an 80% rate of alcoholism and unemployment. And yet....the children have such hopes and dreams and pride in their culture. It was worth watching, even with the tears we shed.

Joel shared a story he read in a Hallmark book called, "A Laugh A Day". We had such a good laugh I thought I would share it here~

Hymn Confusion:
A children's church leader stopped her class one morning right in the middle of a hymn they were singing.
"What words did you just sing? she asked. "Something doesn't sound quite right."
A young girl, the group's loudest vocalist, shot her hand up in the air. We are singing, "Oh the constipated cross-eyed bear."
The leader shook her head and went to the whiteboard, where she wrote the correct title of the song for the kids. "Oh The Consecrated Cross I Bear"!!!!!!

Hope this made you smile today!

Joel and I have not watched any movies this past week, just TV. We are quite disappointed in the big changes in Harry's Law. Last year it was funny, quirky and creative. This year it is just another law show with courtroom drama and too much violence. Two of last year's cast are gone! Wonder why the change and where they are going with this?

I am still reading Askok Gupta's book for people with CFS/ME and MCS. Joel is enjoying A Laugh A Day. What are you reading?

Until next time........

Earthing Update: Week 3

2011-10-13T11:07:00.001-05:00

Joel and I are hoping that by journaling our adventure with Earthing it will give others opportunity to decide if something like this would be worth their time and money. You can find information on earthing at The Earthing Institute and in the book Earthing.

Joel: He is doing great with the 12 hrs out of 24 that he is earthing. He continues to sleep good, have less , although the pain in his hands has increased again today. His restless legs are down 98%. They are not gone completely because if he does not take 2 -4 magnesium a day they come back some. Before earthing he took 9 strong magnesium a day and at one time he was taking up to 20 of a less powerful capsule every day just to keep them at a minimum. BIG improvement. He is feeling better all the way around.

Renee: I have not earthed since last Friday. I am less calm again, but in less pain. I am not sure when I will resume but will start in micro-steps when I do.

I continue to be amazed at the confusion around this treatment. I have heard it spoken of negatively as "new age" and also more than a scam. I don't think acupuncture, acupressure, or earthing are new age. They are really ancient treatments that have been created surrounding the energy in our bodies. Everything living has its own energy. As far as the scam idea ~ Joel and I have studied the science behind it. We have read what we could and we decided it would be worth the $40 risk to try it. I am glad we did. BUT the jury is still out on whether this is helpful enough to warrant the cost and time involved. After 4 months we will reassess. Earthing is not a cure......it is a support that does help the body in many ways I believe.

I do hope Joel continues to see improvements that can be measured and when I start again my body can tolerate it! Patience, Renee....patience.

The Perfect Storm

2011-10-10T15:51:00.001-05:00

Saturday afternoon my homeopathic doctor called. I had left a message last Monday, but she was in Canada for the week, so I had called Dr. V. that Tues. I expected to hear from her the following Monday when she was back at work, but she felt the need to call, bless her heart.

I explained to her what was going on...the earthing and herxing, the fall "come hither" actions of the spirochetes (which still gives me the creeps) Bartonella reproduction time, and the emotional stress with a member of my family separating and the phone calls that followed. In homeopathy you work with the whole person, physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental. She listened, asked a few pertinent questions, and said with quiet insight~ "I think everything came together for the Perfect Storm, Renee. "

A few instructions later and I felt back on track. Mostly she agreed with what Dr. V said and what ReneeK from Living With Lyme had shared about her own dance with Lyme ~ slow and steady..... I was told to decrease the remedy, back off from the earthing, and limit the emotional distress until things stabilize again. "You do not have to suffer" were her words. She emphasized that I cannot hurry the healing. The body can do only what the body can do. This mindset is hard for me but I am working on it.

We all seem to go through times that create perfect storms in our lives. I think back this past year when Dominique over at 4 Walls And A View shared about being exposed to mold and then to strong chemicals that were being used to kill the mold. Living already with a compromised immune system, she went into a long relapse that lasted over 8 months with severe symptoms and consequences. What a horrible storm she went through. Sometimes we can see a storm coming, other times we cannot. Some last a long time and others, like the one I am in are temporary and minor.

When I think of the "perfect storm" I think of that tragic true story that George Clooney made into a movie. It may feel like we are on a sinking ship, but we are not. As this small "perfect storm" rages, I remind myself of what I know to be true. I know I am safe on land with Dr. V and Dr. L giving me directions and support. Joel is standing firm beside me and I am grateful to have God as my life jacket. Soon the storm will pass, and I can move forward. For now, I am listening to my doctors, doing what I can and letting go of the rest. It is so nice to have help in the storm, isn't it!

Saturday's Scribbles

2011-10-08T11:56:00.001-05:00

Good Saturday morning to you! This being the 5th day of temperatures in the mid 80's, I am asking ~ where has fall gone?? It is hot and dry and windy here in Iowa. Several farm field fires have started in the surrounding area and the river is way down from its normal levels. We could use some rain.The dry heat reminds me of when we lived in Montana. It could be 90 during the day, but it would drop off 40 degrees at night, so you never started a new day feeling hot and sticky. Air conditioning really was unnecessary.

One summer Montana day I was painting our bedroom and found myself feeling hot and sweaty~ unusual for me in the dry heat. I checked the temperature and it was 103 degrees! No wonder I was sweating....but back here in the Midwest I would have been miserable and sitting in a chair letting the air conditioner cool me down. 30+ years later I still miss that summer climate and the people. Winter ~ not so much. Brutal.

When Joel was on internship in Malta MT (north central) he and the pastor served 4.5 churches. They would have services every Sunday in 4 churches and once a month at a hot springs resort. Oh, and then services at times in the Little Rockies at a mining town called Zortman. Joel was assigned the two northern churches 2 Sundays a month and we would travel every Sunday about an hour over remote roads to get to the small church in Whitewater. People drove 75 miles over gravel from their ranches to worship so you just would wait until they all showed up to start! There was a resident skunk that lived under the church which made it interesting! After that church service we would all get in the station wagon and head to the next church which was in another town farther west, Loring MT. On this weekly trek you hardly ever saw another car ~ only eagles, herds of antelope, and cattle. Vast and amazing land.

Joel has always worn boots with his jeans, denim shirts, and cowboy hat. The only time I have ever seen him in regular shoes was when he was on duty in the Air Force, while we were living in The Philippines, on hot summer days, and at his cousin's wedding. His cousin requested he perform the ceremony is regular shoes! In Montana he fit right in. When we moved back to Minnesota and then to Iowa he was called, "The Cowboy Pastor".

Cute story: One day Joel overheard two little boys in the church men's room. They were talking about their "super dads" competing with who had the best dad. Then one boy said, "My pastor is a cowboy!" "He is?" asked the other boy. "Wow that's cool!" Guess Joel saved the day!

I think this weather has me reminiscing about our years in Montana! Time to move on......We did not watch any movies this week, although we tried to rent one yesterday. Could not find one we wanted to see! We watched a repeat of Modern Family last night. Our daughters and their families love this show and we just don't get it. Maybe it is a generational thing.

I am re-reading Askok Gupta's book on retraining the amygdala, and finished up Sheepish. What are you reading?

Until nextt time.....

Reflecting With Gratitude

2011-10-07T11:20:00.001-05:00

This week we received some news that has had us feeling both heart heavy and also grateful. A couple that we love and care about are separated after many years of marriage. It saddens us as we think about their pain and suffering during this time of difficulty. We lift them up in prayer, holding them both close to our hearts. At the same time, it has us reflecting our own relationships~ and our marriage. We are so grateful for our 43+ years together.

During our last visit with Dr. V she said to us, "You both are very lucky....I have many patients who have spouses who do not believe they are ill, or are unwilling to be supportive in their illness." Yes...we are lucky...except that I mostly don't believe in luck. We are blessed. We are also committed. To each other...to our family...to are extended family. We don't always agree with each other but we live from a place of love and forgiveness. We are willing to compromise, let go of the reins, and stay firm in our commitment to each other.  In sickness and in health.   Do I have the answers for how to make family relationships or a marriage last? Not by a long shot. I am just so grateful ours has. Our core center has been God. Three strands woven together make for a much stronger rope. It works for us.

When Dr. V said this to us, it took me back to 1991 when I had been seeing a local doctor for my mysterious symptoms. When I left the room to go for yet another blood test, the doctor turned to Joel and said, "If you would like, I can give her placebo pills that she thinks will make her well. There is nothing really wrong with her except that she is a "menstruating female". Seriously. He even wrote it in my chart. Joel chewed this doctor out...and told him to NEVER speak like that about me again. I was really sick and if he could not find out why, someone else would. Joel believed in me when no one else did. He always has.

This doctor is not the only one who did not believe me. I have family members who did not believe that I had a real illness. Sadly that is how it is for many, except often it feels like they are all alone. I am grateful that I have always had someone by my side on this journey. And now with Joel sick also, we support each other on the same path. We have family and friends who encourage and support us too. We are not alone.

I would be remiss if I did not mention our group of friends here who are living with misunderstood and chronic illnesses.  I am so grateful for the Internet and this place to gather and support each other.  Where we believe in each other. A place where we care about each other from across the land and seas.

And yet, we know how important it is to have someone close by, to lend a helping hand, show support and love, and physically be there for us if possible.  Today, I am humbly grateful for Joel and those we love and care about who support and love us. Not always understanding, but willing to try. As I think and pray about this dear couple who are strugging with their marriage, I am so very grateful and yes, I am even feeling a bit lucky.  We are blessed.

Earthing Journal: Two Weeks Behind Us

2011-10-06T12:56:00.000-05:00

This is my weekly journal update for Earthing. I hope to make this available for the people who wrote the book and are now gathering info on how it affects people with Lyme. It is powerful....it is amazing...it is challenging.

Renee:
I took two days off of Earthing and pain levels went down and energy came up a little.
Friday: Started doing 30 minutes a day of earthing ( down from 8 hrs a day last week)
Did not sleep well at all.
Saturday am: In morning had chills, leg aches, then lots of bone pain and pressure in head along with stomach burning. ( is it reproduction time ~ checked the calendar and It was Bartonella reproduction time.
May be exacerbated due to doing Yoga yesterday. Got carried away with time and did too much.

Tuesday: Talked to Dr. V due to high levels of pain and other symptoms. She told me
about the Lyme coming out of hiding and being more active due to their time to multiply and sending off pheromones.....(ugh)

Wednesday: Cut down dose of the remedy and did only 10 minutes of earthing compared to Joel's 12 hrs. Awake in the night again with pain, heart skipping and pounding, and nightmares.

End of second week for me: Will be taking a break from any earthing to see what my body does with just the remedy. Time will tell. Disappointed, yet determined.

Joel:
Continues to have no restless legs. Takes 2 magnesium a day for this now instead of 10 and for awhile 20!
Pain less at times in hands
Waking up less at night and sleeping better...deeper!
Will continue to earth at naps and all night.
Yahoo! All good news for Joel.

I have been able to find some info at Planet Thrive that also talks about major herxing going on when earthing. One said she felt so good the first few days and then...bam...(sounds familiar) Dr. Klinghardt is now recommending earthing as one of the most powerful ways to decrease inflammation in the body.

Okay Then, Here We Go!

2011-10-05T10:42:00.000-05:00

First of all, thank you all for your prayers~ I was able to sleep through the night and not wake up from the pain or other symptoms and I know your thoughts and prayers here and on Facebook helped. There is great power in prayer.

Second of all, I did have a short conversation with Dr. V. The pain in joints, tendons, muscles, and bone has not been this high for 4 yrs. I don't like it coming back. We believe it is due to the homeopathic remedy bringing out and eliminating the bacteria and of course the pain that goes with that. The earthing seems to open the pathways for the immune system so it can do its work...fighting and killing off bugs. Big Time. It is fascinating stuff. This was confirmed for me when I went to the SpiroChicks blog and was able to read Alix's response to my question about herxing and earthing. She said across the board everyone she talked to has MORE herxing when they start the earthing...and to go very very slow. Of course I did not do that. sigh. She had suggestions that I will share tomorrow with my Earthing update.

Third, Dr. V has a theory she has come to over the many years and hundreds of people with Lyme that she has treated...including herself. In the Spring and Fall the spirochetes come out of hiding , even the cyst forms, and they give off pheromones trying to attract other ticks. (creepy) They are in their "come hither" phase. She said to me, "Renee, would you believe me if I told you I have had 20 phone calls today with people wondering why all their pain and other symptoms are suddenly so bad?" Seriously??!!

For now she is having me lower the remedy dose and do very little earthing...like 5 minutes a day in comparison to Joel's 12 hours! We hope this will decrease the pain...and as far as the bugs being so active and causing pain? In two weeks my symptoms will be more tolerable as the spirochetes go back to their normal activity levels. May I just say this bacteria is too darn smart, tricky, and evil. Nasty. Scary.

So, thanks for your good thoughts and continual prayers. The journey with Lyme is always a roller coaster ride. Ups and downs. I never did like the rides at the fair........but I have no choice now, so need to hang on and enjoy the ride as much as I can. As Joel likes to say, "This too shall pass."

Gotta A Minute?

2011-10-04T12:08:00.001-05:00

Well, here I am again, in my pj's and bonding tightly with my recliner and bed. I have a call into the doctor...Dr. V since Dr. L is gone for a week. My stomach has been better so I am doing a happy dance inside, but oh the pain. Out of control! Bone, muscle and joint, along with the old internal shaking that tries hard to move me out of bed. Lets add shortness of breath, chills and sweats, anxiety at a new level, and the heart skipping beats and pounding even when I wake up with my pulse being at only 48...instead of my normal 64. Brain fog is high, vision is blurry, and I am back to the jerking and muscle spasms. (I write in detail as a log and for those battling Lyme)

My thoughts are that the earthing has really empowered the remedy to kill off the bacteria. Big time. These symptoms are all old symptoms...but stronger it seems. Dr. Sinatra, one of the authors of Earthing, and a former Lymie, says it seems like the bugs are unable to hide when you earth. They are drawn out into the blood stream and that makes them very unhappy because our immune systems are waiting for them. Or the herbs and abx. Yesterday I only earthed for a half hour compared to Joel's 12 hrs. Last night was a baaad night with little sleep. Hello die off! The reason I am calling the doctor is I just don't know whether to keep going or stop. This is a NEW treatment with little research. We WANT to get rid of the the bacteria~ but I sure don't want to spend weeks in misery again. A Catch 22.

So, I sure could use some prayers. Thanks!

Saturday's Scribbles

2011-10-01T12:20:00.001-05:00

Saturday morning already! The sun is shining and the frost on the roof is melting as we head from 29 degrees to a high of 63 today. Ever notice how 63 in the fall is different than 63 in the summer? Regardless, it is a beautiful day.

Joel is off on his yearly trek to Rendezvous Days about 1 hour from here in MN. He loves it! Rendezvous Days is where people gather from across the country to dress, camp, and cook like the days of Lewis and Clark in the 1840's-1860's I believe. There are muzzle loading contests, musical groups, and lots of food and wares for sale of course. Those who participate camp in tents an tepees. The spectators pay a fee to spend the day. He makes a full day of it and I am so glad he feels good enough to go..

Speaking of feeling good enough.....I decided to try some gentle yoga yesterday and got a bit carried away. It just felt so darn good to "do" some exercise, but today I have an increase of symptoms that warn me to go sloooooow. Sometimes I get so tired of how sensitive my body is. Ugh!! Hello recliner, my old friend.

Today is our oldest daughter and son-in-law's anniversary, with our oldest son and our DIL's coming up in a few days. They both were married on beautiful fall days in different parts Minnesota. Looking back now, many years and several grandchildren later, we smile thinking about those special days. How blessed we are to be a family.

Speaking of family, I had a phone call from my cousin Lolly this week. She is 88 and lives in WA. My parents had me when they were older ~ a surprise I expect~ and so my cousins are all old enough to be my parents! Lolly has done extensive research on my dad's side of the family and the woman I told you about who lived in a cabin in the woods in the Black Hills of SD was our grandmother ~ she was called Grand-mere, as we are French. She died when I was 2, so I asked Lolly a few questions about her life. I was surprised to learn she had been married 4 times and divorced 3. Gulp. I had heard 3 marriages. She was born in 1880, and had six children with her first husband. She was strict, strong, religious, and fussy. I think I am still stuck on her being married and divorced so often way back then. Wow. I would love to spend a few minutes with this woman, Laura Lou, Grand-mere. What an interesting life she had.

Last week we watched the movie, Secretariat. We really liked it! I am finishing up Sheepish, and How Then Shall I Live. What are you reading?

Until next time.........

Earthing: One Week Done

2011-09-29T09:47:00.001-05:00

This past week we have been earthing/grounding and keeping track of our symptoms and reactions.
It is hard to be patient as we look forward with anticipation to some positive changes! I have gone back and reread the posts and watched the videos on SpiroChicks to give me some support, and I am looking for other people who have also been using the grounding while treating Lyme.  In the past week:

Joel: Earthing during naps and all night long
Results: His pain is down in his hands and shoulder
               His restless legs are GONE~ WOW
               Less active dreams most nights
               Napping longer and deeper
               Sleeping deeper at night and getting up less.
*Major and promising changes for Joel. We are amazed and excited.

Renee: Earthing during day and half of nights (Remember that I am more sensitive than Joel)

Results: MAJOR pain from die off/herxing, some brain fog, increase in neurpathy  ~ this is expected from what I have read because the earthing possibly gets the blood circulating better and gets to hidden places where Lyme bacteria is hard to reach. Or there is the theory that it brings the Lyme out of hiding from tissues, joints, etc.
             Heart palpitations
             Detoxing occurring in my body causing some symptoms
             Positives: LESS anxiety over all and I have a sense of well being and am napping deeply and still have some energy.

* I have had to back off of the earthing. I did not follow the suggestions of other Lymies when they said to start slowly and build your way up and now I am really herxing big time and spending more time in my recliner again SO, I am taking 2 days off completely and then start slowly. It really is good news that it is helping my body to get rid of more bacteria. Just don't want to do it too fast. Darn.

Hungering For More

2011-09-27T17:56:00.003-05:00

Our grandson Noah likes to come visit Grandma Na and Papa Joel. He has a good time when he comes and is always sad when he has to leave. The last time he came he asked his dad if he could move down here so he could be close to us! Isn't that sweet?!

I tried to tell him that if he was here all the time it would be different. That grandma could not play cards with him every day, or share the kitchen with him to watch him cook. I tried to tell him that we nap twice a day and at times it is down right boring here! He could not be swayed. For reasons he keeps to himself, he likes it here with us and of course that feels really good.

In some ways Noah reminds me of myself. I get restless with my life the way it is and when I am with those I love and care about I wish it could be like that all the time. Yet I know I could not sustain that kind of activity. I know deep inside that life has to go back to my kind of normal. My kind of normal with pacing, naps, quiet, and, well, at times darn right boredom.

Finding peace within my boundaries~ finding joy with my kind of normal~ finding strength in my weakness~ So necessary. We treasure life. I think we all do. It is challenging to not hunger for more, but often when we do it robs us of today. Of this moment. Here. Now. On our beds, in our recliners, next to our spouses, partners, or friends....or alone. I must not let the hunger for more push me out of my energy envelope and rob me of the precious moments of my life right now. Today. Of course I still look forward to spending time with those we love and care about, whether it is helping Noah cook breakfast or talking on the phone to wish our granddaughter Happy Birthday! And finding joy in today helps prepare me for those times. See you soon Noah!

Saturday's Scribbles

2011-09-24T11:23:00.000-05:00

Good Saturday morning to you! It is a beautiful fall day here in Iowa with sunshine and a high of 65 forecast. Some of the leaves are starting to turn color and the green grass is fading to yellow and brown. Our flowers are still blooming of course and we hope to enjoy them a few more weeks.

Fall is my favorite time of the year....all the colors~ oranges, golds, and rusts along with the crisp fall air. Geese are flying overhead every day as they travel from the river a block away to nearby feeding grounds Our resident squirrels are storing nuts, among them black walnuts, for a tasty treat this winter. I am looking forward to decorating the house with pumpkins and a variety of gourds. I can already taste the first squash of this season. There is nothing I dislike about autumn...except that it is too short!

I had a Skype appointment with Dr. L this week. Isn't it amazing? I am sitting here at home on my sofa and talking face to face...well sort of.... for an hour with my Dr. while she is in her office in MN. Seriously.   My mom would have loved that. I saw her so little once I was too sick to travel, but we talked quite often. She would call sometimes just to ask me about a word for a crossword puzzle~ or I would call her. She was so smart and good with numbers. We would have loved visiting via Skype. The other day the thought went through my head, "I should call mom and tell her that..." Nine years after she died I still miss visiting with her.

I have been putting together a photo book for our oldest son, Matt. I am trying to do one for each of our kids as they turn 40. Looking back at pictures I realized I come from a long line of strong, independent women.  When my grandmother on my dad's side was my age she was living alone in a cabin in the woods of Spearfish Canyon in the Black Hills of S.D. She would be around 140 yrs old right now so it was a long time ago. She worked until she injured herself in her late 70's and died in her 80's. My mom told me stories of going there to stay and having coyotes come up to the door and scratch at night. I never met her, but from the stories I have heard she was one strong lady. My mom's mother lost her husband at an early age and sold the farm, moved into town and ran a cafe/bar she owned until late into her 70's. My own mom was only in her early 40's when my dad died, leaving her with me, age 7, and two grown girls. She worked hard until she retired at age 76 and died at age 92. Strong women who did what they had to do to survive and thrive, making the best out of what life brought their way. I believe I am following in their footsteps.

Speaking of footsteps, Joel and I have started "earthing" and if you have not heard of this or read yesterday's post I think you would find it interesting to read about it. We are having someone come and make sure our home is not one that has the "false grounding" in it like some do. We checked it out with the ground checker, but we are going to use a voltmeter next. This house needed a lot of updating when we bought it 7 years ago.  Anyway, Joel and I both have a sense that this is a "good thing".

My sister Jan and her husband are off in Europe for 3 weeks. They have been in Poland, Germany, and France and will go to Italy and Switzerland too. What fun!!!! I have never been to Europe but Joel has. He spent 3 weeks there with our Golden Valley Lutheran College choir singing and touring in several countries. I could not afford to go, but his brother paid for his trip so many many years ago!

Joel and I watched the movie, The Lincoln Lawyer, last night. Well, I should say Joel watched most of it and I distracted myself on the computer. It was over the top for me and I did not like it.   Joel has been reading and studying Biblical references for money, finances, and debt this week and I am now reading the book "Sheepish", written by the author, Catherine Friend, who also wrote "Hit By A Farm". It makes me laugh! What are you reading?

Earthing: Our Journey With Grounding Begins

2011-09-23T16:11:00.002-05:00

I have debated on whether to write about our latest treatment, as it sounds like such an unusual one, but I have decided to post weekly updates here so we have a record~ and if it helps us, you will know, if it does not...you will know.

I first read about "Earthing" at the information based blog, SpiroChicks. I watched the videos that health reporter, Alix, put on the blog and then kind of put it aside until I could research it and ask Dr V about it. But I felt drawn to this natural way of balancing and supporting the body so I went back and read the nearly 200 responses that people left about their own journey with Earthing. I was very intrigued and impressed! During our last visit to Dr. V she mentioned Earthing as a way to help our bodies, and that she is doing this now and finding it helpful. Dr. V NEVER asks us to try a new treatment or supplement without first researching it or trying it herself. We were interested!

On our way home we stopped at our practitioner's and had a NAET treatment. I mentioned it to her and she walked across the room and picked up the book, Earthing, and said, "Why don't you take it home and read it." She had started earthing/grounding and was sleeping so much better herself that both her and her husband were doing it nightly.

I went home and started reading the book. Of course for me the best part of it was all the testimonies of how people had been helped over the past 10 or more years the author had been researching and gathering information. I figured if even half of what was written came to pass, we were in a win win situation by using this to help our bodies heal. People spoke of sleeping better than they had in years, having much less arthritis and FM pain, and much more. Joel read the literature, too, and we were sold. Joel has always felt drawn to the earth and its energy. Because we live in a 4 season state we decided to order the least expensive kit to earth in our home. Walking barefoot in the winter makes little sense :) (giggle)

So, what is "Earthing" Earthing is basically nothing more than connecting to the earth and replacing the electrons that are needed for our body to function properly and even heal. Connecting to the earth's natural healing energy. We are so isolated from the earth now, and with all the technology surrounding us, we are exposed to electrical magnetic fields continually. You can ground by being barefoot on the grass, earth, or cement, or at a beach~ or you can use special devices in your own home that "ground" you. My explanation is very simplified, so please stop over and learn more about it at The Earthing Institute.

We started using the earthing device ( it cost us $49 for the kit which has a ground outlet checker, cord, 3 straps that 3 people can use AND the book!) 3 days ago. So far:

Renee: I did not notice anything the first day when I grounded while watching TV. Wore it to bed and woke up 5 times in 4 hrs so took it off.
Thursday: wore it several hours during the day. Less pain and stiffness.
Friday: wore it in am and had major herxing start (it seems to cause the blood to thin and oxygenate increasing the value of our treatments for Lyme since blood is thicker with Lyme disease). I have more energy today again. Remedy? Earthing? Combo? Wait and see.

Joel: 1st day: Less pain in the arthritis in his hands. slept okay...dreams slower and more relaxed for first time in long time
Thurs: Very tired...just wants to sleep (common response at first)
Friday: Slept a long time in night and quiet dreams Very tired again in am but better in afternoon

We have just begun this journey but are going to be logging symptoms and watching for changes weekly...

Any questions, please leave a comment.

Could Be.....

2011-09-21T11:56:00.000-05:00

Just not feeling so good today. Yesterday I had more energy, today back to feeling pretty blah. Guess it could be the weather change...cold and windy and gray out...could be the nasty Lyme die-off I am experiencing...could be the yeast I am fighting....could be the remedy working....could be....could be....

I used to spend a lot of time trying to figure out the causes, but with Lyme, Bart, Babesia, Yeast, CFS/ME, MCS, weather changes, getting older, and just plain life...who knows!?! Could be....

Could be it is one of those days where a blankie, a good book, and some quiet music are calling my name. Could be that is just what I need for my body, even when my heart desires more. Could be...

Could be it is a good day to write a gratitude list...my Lyme doctor speaks aloud the many things she is grateful for before she even gets out of bed. Could be it is a good day to reach out to someone else with a letter or note of appreciation. Could be....

Could be it is just one of those days....go with it.....embrace it....breathe it.....

Could be that the sun will come out tomorrow~ That tomorrow will be a better day! Could be!!!

Who Is This Person?

2011-09-19T14:10:00.000-05:00

Quite often when I look in the mirror I am stunned by what I see...oh, I am not talking about the Lyme look, but the gray hair, my mother's mouth creases, and wrinkles. Even my cleavage is getting wrinkles. I had never thought of that until I heard someone talking on TV about a cream to help cleavage wrinkles..Really? So I went and looked in the mirror and there it was! Old stretchy skin greeting me! Good grief...who is this person?

So I began to wonder....at age 63 is this normal? Is my skin aging faster than others? I know my body is....but my skin? Our kids used to tell us we looked a lot younger than our peers.....but we don't hear that so much anymore. We hear words like, "you're getting older you know..." Just because I am 5 yrs away from my 50th class reunion does not mean I am old~ oh dear! Who IS this person????

And besides the advanced aging process that Lyme and CFS seem to put most of us through....by the time you hit 60 you have been thrown around by life like a tumbleweed in a dust storm. Looking pretty worse for wear... Who IS this person?

Get a grip, Renee! Well, THIS person is still here, and she knows what a gift that is after standing by the graves of too many friends over the years. She loves life and fights hard to be here to enjoy it. She has more health problemsthan a mama rabbit has babies, but she also has more blessings than you can count!

Who is this person? Wife, mother, mother-in-love, grandmother, daughter of the King, writer, reader, prayer warrior, baby boomer, friend, lover, companion, caregiver, helper, cook, and more.

So when I look in the mirror and see this face looking back at me, I need to look past the outward appearance and calmly remember who I am...whose I am....and greet myself with these words:
Good morning you fantastic and courageous woman! How is your day going?~!! No more stranger looking back at me in the mirror! Just one grateful person!!!

Saturday's Scribbles

2011-09-17T11:26:00.001-05:00

Good Saturday morning to you, friends. Today we are heading for a balmy 65 degrees which will be nice after waking to frost a couple of mornings and a chilly high of 53 yesterday. I am not complaining, though, after the heat and humidity this summer. Just need to dress a little warmer..
Speaking of being warmer, I have pulled out my wool comforter (hello, Woolie my old friend) and am enjoying the healing it brings to my body. I have used it the last three nights and slept like a rock...for 9 hrs each night! I am on the cyber hunt for a pair of shearling lined leather slippers for this winter. Our tile floors get so cold up her in north country. ~Not so sure Iowa is "north" but to some of you it will be! ~~Hope to find a pair on sale or clearance ~ they are so spendy!

Joel and I went to the park yesterday to sit by the river and have our morning devotions. While we were gone our cleaning lady was here. She is not the best duster, but cleans floors and bathrooms like a trooper and she even fixed our bathroom sink plunger! What a nice surprise that was. Believe it or not, I used to love to clean...especially bathrooms. Loved making everything shine....crazy, huh!

It's our oldest son-in-love's birthday today...42! I remember the first time I met him. Our daughter Bethany was moving out of her basement apt. in St. Paul, MN and I was helping her. I felt someone was watching me and looked up and saw this dark haired, bearded young man in a black leather jacket staring in the window at me. I said to my daughter, "Bethany, there is this scary man looking in the window at me..." She peaked around the corner and said, "Oh, that's Kevin!" ~ giggle ~ She married that "scary man" a couple of years later, and what a blessing he has been for our entire family!

Joel and I have eliminated morning news/TV from our daily routine. It is filled mostly with despair, drama, and discouragement. Why serve those along with your breakfast?? I do like the "Made in America" segments on ABC's nightly news. I was stunned when the producers of that show could not find one coffee maker that was actually made in America...Good grief! And seriously, hearing about another product from China causing us health problems...apple juice having high levels of arsenic in it when imported from China and Argentina...OKAY America...time to wake up! Guess I am spreading discouragement myself right now. How can we be informed without having to hear about every weird crazy person or event in the world? Hmmmm For us nightly news and talk radio keep us informed enough.

Speaking of talk radio, Tom Grier well known speaker on Lyme Disease was on Coast To Coast talk radio show...Lyme Love put the tape of it on Facebook from Youtube. Very good info! He got Lyme in the 80's in Northern MN just like I did...he was in Duluth and I was living in Zimmerman. Not diagnosed for years either.

Joel and I have still have not watched any movies. We watched the last episode of The Closer which turned out not to be the last episode(of course) and we look forward to Castle starting again this week, along with NCIS (original). I am still reading the book, Earthing and Joel is finishing up The Shack. We have not been reading much lately! What are you reading?

Until next time......

Wrapped In Wool

2011-09-15T17:12:00.000-05:00

It dropped down to 26 degrees F. here last night and we woke up to heavy frost on the roofs. The neighborhood was a comical sight as neighbors brought out their blankets and sheets to cover their flowers...We have some old wool blankets that we gently cover ours with and it reminded me that it was time to take out my Woolie (wool comforter) too. It was so nice to snuggle under that old friend again when the air turned chilly in the night. Nothing better than being wrapped in wool. It is so healing....I hope the flowers thought so too!

It's A Dog's Life

2011-09-12T13:28:00.000-05:00

When I am feeling better

I do a lot more

When I do a lot more

I feel worse

When I feel worse

I rest a lot more

When I rest a lot more

I feel better

When I feel better.......

You would think I would have figured this out by now!!!!! Seek your center....find your limits.....take small steps not giant strides.....Enjoy the freedom of feeling good....but savor it don't gulp it...walk, don't run. Take my cues from our dog~ enjoy the moment...rest a lot....eat well....and love unconditionally. The rest is all gravy!

Saturday's Scribbles

2011-09-10T10:01:00.002-05:00

Good Saturday morning!~ It is beautiful here today....the sun is shining, the winds are calm, and we are looking for a high of 80. We are heading into my favorite time of year...Fall!

Speaking of favorites...we are enjoying our 40 in. TV our son, DIL and family brought us last Saturday from their family room! For those with MCS, when we turn it on the fragrance of their home is noticeable and causing me some air hunger and sinus stuff....BUT we are spraying the outside(not the screen) with vinegar and water and also wiping down the remote several times a day, and the smell is getting less in just one week. We have spray bottles of vinegar and water in the car, under the kitchen sink, and in the basement for spraying off clothes, furniture, whatever...Joel always sprays the car before I ride in it, and his clothes after he is in a store, etc. My mom had lots of allergies and used it at home and taught me that it absorbs smells....and it does!

We had a nice surprise with our middle son, Mark and grandson Noah coming down yesterday and staying over night. They will head back to MN today. Noah fixed breakfast today, frying up scrambled eggs and warming up the ham. Grandma supervised :). Joel has been feeling better the last couple of days since the Dr. lowered his dose of the remedy he is on and he is stronger...Yahoo...

The media has been saturated with 9-11 stories this week, hasn't it. It has actually affected both Joel and I physically and emotionally to watch the coverage, so I cannot imagine what is does to those who lost loved ones as they re-live it over and over again. We have had to limit what we see. It is hard to believe it has been 10 years already. We did not know anyone who was hurt or killed in the attacks, but Joel met a few who lost friends and loved ones when he was out in NYC 6 months after 9-11 with our oldest son Matt to participate in a National Lutheran clergy gathering to connect with the people of the congregations there. Joel was privileged to spend several days there, and preach at one of the churches outside the city, giving their pastor a much needed break. Matt went along as Joel's traveling companion. Needless to say talking with the people, gathering in NYC, and seeing ground zero affected them deeply.

Speaking of New York, our neighbor's grandson went back home a week ago. Pretty quiet over there with his swing sitting empty and his toys idle. I bet they miss him! He was such a bubbly little guy. Aren't little ones a joy?!!

Speaking of joy, in the past week we have been able to give hugs to several grandchildren from two families and talk on the phone with others. Such fun~~~

We have not watched any movies this week. Joel is finishing up The Shack, which he loves, and I am still reading Earthing. What are you reading?

Until next time......

All Things Are Junk?

2011-09-08T14:20:00.000-05:00

Well, Joel and our brother-in-law just moved the two TV's out into the van to be taken to the dump! Seriously, it is still hard to believe they both died within 10 days! Makes you wonder.....And speaking of wondering, if you are thinking this is a picture of one of our TV's??? It is not. Of course I am old enough to remember watching a TV that looked just like this one.

Joel called a TV repair shop today and I thought you might enjoy hearing the conversation. It went like this~~

Joel: " I have a 27 inch 7 yr old Daewoo TV and it turns on and off by itself, switching channels when it wants to and I have to unplug it to make sure it does not turn on in the middle of the night.."

Woman from TV shop: "You have my sympathies."

Joel: Laughing......"Can it be fixed?"

Woman: "I am sure it would cost way too much to be worth fixing it."

Joel: "Does this happen to a lot of TVs?"

Woman: "Sure."

Joel: What causes two TVs to do this in two weeks?

Woman: I don't know.

Joel: Could it be the energy of a spirit that lives here?

Woman: (laughing) "Those are your words, not mine!!"

Joel: "So, there is nothing I can do with this TV?"

Woman: "Well, you can try the 12 inch drop." "That might work."

Joel: "What is a 12 inch drop?"

Woman: "Pick the TV up 12 inches off the floor....and DROP IT!"

Joel and I both had a good laugh over this....What a sense of humor this lady has. (And my husband too,)

So, as my hubby heads to the dump to pay someone to take our two dead TVs to their burial ground, we are more sure than ever that his old motto holds some truth to it..."All things are junk."

Behind Closed Doors

2011-09-05T08:04:00.000-05:00

When Joel went to my family gathering three weeks ago, there were people he visited with that he had not seen in two years. He drove an hour to the reunion, ate lunch, spent quite a bit of time visiting, and then carefully walked himself to the van, and drove home. I say carefully because his balance was bad and he was staggering at times when he walked. One person noticed his unsteady walk and came to the van to ask if he would be okay driving home. Our daughter Naomi was very concerned and worried about her dad because he was so pale and just "not himself". To everyone else he seemed fine. In fact when I talked to one of my sisters soon after, she was surprised Joel had crashed. Her response to me was, " Well, he was fine when we saw him." No, really, he was not fine. He was barely hanging on....BUT that was not visible to most people.

Unless you require a wheelchair, cane, or walker, out in the world the day to day life of a Lymie or PWC is mostly hidden. We can push ourselves for awhile...we don't really "look sick" to the untrained eye.....and too often in the hope of feeling normal for a change, we present ourselves as being just fine! And then we go home....where behind closed doors we take off our cloaks and climb into our recliners or beds to succumb to our body's need for rest.

Alyson over at Adventures In Lymeland gave a clear description of the relentless symptom of Lyme fatigue on her Saturday post, which those with CFS/ME also understand completely. It is something you have to experience to fully understand ~ the "gargantuan" level of fatigue that comes with these illnesses that does not go away with a good night's sleep.

This kind of fatigue, the pain levels, and the myriad of other symptoms are almost impossible to understand without experiencing them~ as are the ups and downs of our energy levels. Like today, when Joel could not move from his chair and after dressing and eating breakfast was ready for a nap ~ a two hour nap.....and by last night was strong enough to fix a light supper. It baffles those who observe and it baffles us who experience it.

Behind closed doors we spend so much time resting when we would rather be doing something else...anything else....we grieve the losses we experience over and over again....we are sometimes bewildered by where we find ourselves.....we look for answers, we pray for relief...for change...or for acceptance.

BUT there is much more behind closed doors than the struggles of a daily walk with Lyme or CFS/ME. So much more.

Behind closed doors we are strong and beautiful people. We laugh, we read, we love, we give thanks, we learn, we grow, we find joy in the smallest things we do or accomplish. We make our homes, our recliners, our beds~ Our Sanctuaries~ Our Holy Ground. We remember who we were....but we also rejoice in who we are now...because we are here and we are precious to our family and our closest friends, even if they do not understand how we really live.

Even behind closed doors.

Saturday's Scribbles

2011-09-03T11:15:00.001-05:00

Good Saturday morning to you from Iowa, the land of corn. I have heard it said that all the corn fields here could be why we have so much humidity in our little state. On this third day of September we are expecting a high of 77 along with some much needed rain, and a gentle wind. A nice day for nourishing the land.

Speaking of nice, our son, DIL, and their three are coming up for a visit today. Yahoo!!! We are excited to see them all, and besides the gift of their presence, they are bringing us another gift..a big gift, a gift we feel a bit overwhelmed about. Yep.. We will no longer be watching TV on our little 19 incher. They are bringing us one of their TV's ~ already outgassed. They love to give and we are being blessed by their giving...one more time. My first laptop was from my daughter-in-love. So we are excited, happy, and humbled by their generosity. Thank you M and M!!!!!

Here it is, Labor Day weekend already. Years ago we often would spend this weekend cleaning out our garage and getting the kids ready for school. With 7 and sometimes 8 kids ( a foster child) there was plenty to do to get ready. One of my favorite things was buying new notebooks, paper, pens, etc. I guess I have a thing for new paper...and learning. Buying new shoes for all of them was more than a little daunting...but oh how I loved sales...and finding the best deals! I don't expect that has changed much for moms and their kids.

We watched the movie, Soul Surfer last night and thought it was good. A nice family PG movie. I had read about Dennis Quaid, who plays the dad, in the Guideposts magazine recently. Carrie Underwood and Helen Hunt also were in it.

Speaking of surfing, Deb over at Four Angels Momma, was writing about the massive waves that were coming in where they live in California. Seems a strong storm in New Zealand was sending these waves from a distance of over 6500 miles. Think of that! We really are connected to the whole world aren't we. Everything we say and do matters and expands out into our universe.

Joel is reading The Shack, and I am re-reading How Then Shall We Live by Wayne Mueller and the book, Earthing. What are you reading?

Saying What I Mean~ Meaning What I Say

2011-09-02T16:26:00.000-05:00

I just reread today's post about perspectives again for the 4th time and I am just not sure what I am trying to say is coming across clearly....You know that song.."I can see clearly now....da da da da??" I am not feeling that.

So, if my post seems disjointed, unclear, or a bit far out there, I apologize. Seems increasing the dose of my homeopathic remedy is affecting not only my joints but my ability to say what I mean today. Guess parts of my brain are out of order and needing a repairwoman. Hope she makes house calls!

Progress and Perception

2011-09-02T13:33:00.001-05:00

I have been thinking all week about my appointment with Dr. V. When I filled out the 4 page symptom sheet beforehand, I was surprised at all the places that I checked "worse" for how I was feeling. The summer had been a bad dream that I did not come out of until mid August when I started regaining energy. There were times I was afraid I was dying and a couple of days where I was more than ready for Heaven. You understand, I know. But I can tell you the exact day I started to improve ~ August 13th. Still the pain, sweats, etc. were at a high level, so maybe all the times I was worrying about the bugs increasing while off herbs were for good reason! Maybe the homeopathic remedy was actually harming me!~ After all the symptoms chart told me so.....

Imagine my surprise when Dr. V's exam revealed major progress in some areas~ reflexes, heart beat, Bartonella rash, and muscle strength. Such a big leap she nearly leaped in the air with excitement herself. Going from a level of progress of 10% a year to 25% in 3 months? Amazing! Was my perception that off base? Maybe progress is not always visible to the untrained eye.

I have been spending this week digesting perceptions. I believe sometimes we have the perception we are better than we really are. Adrenaline surges can cause us to push ahead only to end up in a long relapse. It is a false sense of energy. We may think we can do more than we can...our brains are so willing but our bodies are not able to sustain the level of activity we desire. Our daughter N. says her dad and I crash after every visit...but think we won't! And I cannot speak for others, but this time around my perception was that I was worse, going downhill with the bugs taking over again. I was wrong. I guess that is why we have doctors. Still, I find myself very cautious about doing anything more than I am because I don't want to crash again.....I think that is okay for now. On this journey we know that there are ups and downs, stops and starts, and steps forward and steps backward. For now I am enjoying one of those "up" places...and I am taking it slow and steady. It is a marathon, not a sprint.

Spending time "visiting" our blogger friends, I have noticed that several are in long crashes and even though they are resting and pacing, it does not appear that it is helping in any way. Don't give up hope, friends. In the dark days, when your body aches, the fatigue is suffocating, and your mind is foggy, just remember that your body is trying very hard to make things right. It takes energy to do so. It takes time....and just around the corner might be the help you need...the change you have been praying for....the progress you desire....

Sending hugs to all of you where you rest this day~

Foggy Outside~ Foggy Inside

2011-09-01T10:17:00.000-05:00

For some reason we are back to having heavy humidity, high dew points, and morning fog. And after this morning's start here in Lymeland, I think the morning fog has seeped into our brains too!

We had our morning devotions and as I was reading aloud I had trouble getting the words coming out of my mouth to always match the words on the page....sigh....Okay, one of those days. Then when we were going to pray, Joel said, "Lets pray the Lord's Prayer today" and when we closed our eyes to do so...he began by praying..."Come Lord Jesus...." (our prayer for meals) instead of "Our Father who art in Heaven.." Okay. so it is going to be one of those days!

Residue from the trip I expect. At least that is my story and I am sticking to it!

The scary part is, both Joel and I were saying how we felt better today! I guess "de Nile" is more than a river in Egypt! Let's just hope Joel does not come home from downtown and tell me he saw another dead elk along the road!

Partners In Lyme: Reporting on the Good and the Bad....No ugly

2011-08-31T11:57:00.001-05:00

I keep track of our treatment plans here, so after looking over our notes and getting yet another call from Dr. V we have more information to chart.

Renee's Report
My reflexes were normal for the first time since starting with Dr. V
My heartbeat/pulse was the strongest she can remember
My arm strength had improved
Bartonella rash was fading in certain areas
Energy was up

Joel's Report:

Lymph nodes were more pronounced and enlarged
EKG showed a 1st degree AV Heart Block (does not require medical help at this level)
cause? Lyme~ more than likely Aging? Upper part of heart is not connecting fully with bottom part of heart electrical in nature.
Symptoms worse or the same
Fatigue worse
Nothing had improved :(

Joels Skype with Dr. L

Remedy will help heartbeat and fatigue
Will be taking daily liquid drops

Joel's heartbeat is still around 48-55 when resting and normally is in 70's when active, but at times like last night when he walked up the stairs to bed, it went up to 96. Plenty of resting going on and heart monitor to be purchased.

There's No Place Like Home

2011-08-30T11:57:00.001-05:00

There's no place like home......there's no place like home.....

Our trip went well. We were gone Monday for over 11 hours, and we spent nearly 6 of those hours in the van. The traveling time was uneventful, except for my lower legs and ankles swelling up on the ride home. Hmmm...

AND the fact that Joel swears he saw a dead elk along the side of the road not long after we began the trip. An elk? In Iowa? I don't think so! The thing is....my husband is very good at spotting animals~ He grew up with a gun in his hand ( quit hunting many years ago) and the outdoors was his second home. He delights in spotting turkey, deer, fox, etc. when we travel. Still, I decided I needed to stay awake and not nap at all in the car just in case Joel's fatigue had him seeing elk all the way to Minnesota! :) On the way home I tested him just a little bit ...or is that teased him? I pointed at a big piece of cardboard along the side of the road and told him to be careful not to hit the "moose"! His reply? "Oh that was nasty!" (giggle)

So, we shopped at the health food store, each had an appointment with Dr. V, Joel had lab work and an EKG, and then we went to the park to eat a late lunch before driving to Rochester for a 2 hour appointment with our NAET practitioner, and the trip home.

My exam revealed good news. Dr. V was so excited by the changes she gave me a big hug and smiled from ear to ear. Seems even though I am having symptoms (due to the homeopathic remedy bringing them up) the Bartonella rashes I have had are fading and the Lyme neurological and muscle weakness issues are way way down. The two months of terrible symptoms were from major die off of the bugs and the body riding itself of heavy metals and trying to heal itself! Her comment.."You were improving only 10% a year, now in the last few weeks you have improved 25%!" Of course the dose has been increased so challenges lie ahead, but it is working and can easily be managed. I am still trying to digest all this. Cautiously optimistic and so thankful we found something that my body can work with. Dr. V was so confident it is killing off bugs that it is ALL I am taking. Wow.

Joel's news was not so good~ he had gone backwards and is not doing as well, BUT Dr. V feels it is because the remedy he is taking is working with fatigue and burnout, and he also stopped the B-12 shots to save money. He NEEDS those shots so he will go back on those and in time his body will respond well to the remedy so healing can take place. The doctor did an EKG since Joel's heart rate was at times under 50 when he wakes up in the morning and his fatigue is worse at those times. She was concerned about a Lyme "Block" heart where the top part of the heart does not work in sync with the bottom half. This is documented with people who have Lyme. She felt it was okay but sent it to a cardiologist to read it just in case something else is going on.

I asked Dr. V about Dr. Nancy Klimas's videos on exercising and she said she is going to Canada to a conference where Dr. Klimas will be speaking on this so that is good. She will have more info for us then. Also the topic of Earthing came up and she told us she had been doing that for awhile and seeing some improvements just from that. When we got to our NAET practitioner she also talked about it and gave me a book to read on it! When I get something twice I pay attention so now Joel and I are looking into this strange but yet logical way of living. If you are interested, google Earthing.com. or read about it and watch the videos at SpiroChicks. This is an excellent blog for Lymies.

We are recovering now from the trip and Joel is napping before he has his skype appointment with Dr. L at 1pm. It is good to be back in my recliner enjoying the view from my window....there is just no place like home!

A Week With Our Wizards

2011-08-28T18:54:00.000-05:00

We are heading down the yellow brick road tomorrow to see two of our Wizards... Wizard #1~ Dr. V. It is that time already. Joel and I both have appointments with her before heading to Rochester to visit Wizard #2, who is our NAET practitioner. Last Thursday I had an hour long SKYPE appointment with Wizard #3, Dr. L ~ our Homeopathic Doctor, and Joel's Skype appointment with her is this Tuesday morning. Within 6 days we will both see our two doctors, have NAET treatments, and pick up a boat load of supplements and herbs with one or two new things thrown in to try I am sure.

I expect we will need the remainder of the week to rest up, digest all the information, take in the costs, and get our adjusted treatments in place. I am grateful that we can still keep going with treatments and have the money to do so, sometimes borrowing from Peter to pay Paul ~ since insurance does not cover any of it except prescriptions and sometimes a test here or there. It baffles me!

Getting off insurance woes (and my whining) and back on track...or should I say, the yellow brick road, seeing the Wizards always increases our hope and determination to keep up our efforts to improve. Traveling is tough, with many hours on the road, but we love that part of Minnesota...the cliffs, hills, and greenery, and seeing the Mississippi River at its best. We even enjoy shopping at the local health food grocery store where we can buy in bulk. So we are off!

Hope your Monday is a good one!

Saturday's Scribbles

2011-08-27T09:52:00.003-05:00

Good Saturday morning to you! It is going to be a warm sunny day here with a high forecast for 80. I have been enjoying the neighbor's marigolds that are in full bloom and visible from our living room window. Fall colors are really my favorite~ golds, yellows, rusts and oranges.

The weather has been making the news this week, with an earthquake in the east followed by Hurricane Irene. One nice thing about Hurricanes~ people have time to prepare...unlike earthquakes or tornadoes for that matter. I am not so sure what is worse, but both are unwelcome! One support group friend emailed everyone that they were evacuating their home in North Carolina. She has severe CFS/ME and it is difficult for her to travel anywhere. Life is so unpredictable.

Speaking of that ~ the past couple of weeks have brought a bit of unpredictability to our life in yet another way. Two weeks ago the dehumidifier in the basement quit working (it is only 3 yrs old!). Thank heavens we have a really old one we can use...like "we got it in 1972 used" old...... At the same time, the TV in the family room started acting up. It turns on and off by itself and decides when it wants to change channels. Sometimes we can get it to stay on one channel but then the remote does not work at all. We hardly use this TV so it would not be too big a deal EXCEPT the TV in our living room quit. In the middle of a movie, the screen went black and the sound was gone. Believe it or not we have a third TV that we are now hauling out to use. Thank heavens for that.... even though it is an old 19 inch TV....You may ask the question...Why is the size of the screen a problem? Because with my cataracts I have trouble seeing the 27 in. one! TV is our only form of entertainment so having one is kind of important. Besides the dehumidifier going out and both TV's ( we had planned to use the newer one as a back up for the older one) the newer sink faucet broke this morning! Since our washer and dryer are over 20 yrs old and we bought them used....and the freezer is over 35 years old.....and the vaccum is snapping the rug when we use it......we are holding our breath that nothing else breaks, and praying for a way to purchase even one of these items! Oh to ADD to the week of breakage, Joel's disability check came and it was $400 less than normal due to their error! Since he does not have another interim position yet......money is more than a little hard to come by. Isn't life fun??!?#*!

Speaking of fun, this summer we really have enjoyed connecting with old friends that we hardly ever see....either by telephone or them stopping by. Along with visits from each of the older three and their families, the past couple of months have brightened our days. with a renewal of relationships.

Speaking of relationships, our neighbors still have their daughter and grandson visiting from New York. It has been 5-6 weeks we figure, and that means more joy for us who "stalk" the little guy by watching from our window when he plays outside. They had a birthday party for him and he was soooo excited to get his new toys!

Joel is reading The Shack, which he loves, and I am reading Sheepish....but lost it somewhere in the house....do you see what I mean??? Besides all the above, my clock stopped working, I lost my book, Joel's flashlight quit, he did not check his pockets and an ink pen broke open all over my white tops and his shirt in the washer this morning.......and we both feel crummy again...not horrid....just crummy.. Ahhhhhhhhhh..... the joys of living in a broken world!!!! Oh, by the way.......What are you reading?

Until next time...

Where Do We Begin

2011-08-25T12:02:00.000-05:00

I was reading a recent article by Jody Harris Smith, after the title itself caught my attention. "Observations About Recovery From CFS" Recovery? Hmmmm.....The words below gave me pause and had me nodding my head in agreement.

"Like a person whose home has been destroyed by a natural disaster, we stand (or lay in a stupor) and survey the wreckage, and wonder where to begin."

For people with CFS/ME and Lyme, these natural disasters are often an ongoing occurrence. How do we begin to restore our lives~ and can we? The process of recovery is not a straight path, and even the definition of recovery is different for everyone. Jody shares how people with CFS/ME are often afraid to even speak of a plan for recovery as the journey is such a rocky one and our hopes are dashed so often. Bruce Campbell, who is the founder of the CFS/FM Self Help Programs, feels he has recovered, but still needs to pace himself and stay within his energy envelopes. Even though he can go on long hikes for miles and miles, he must rest and stay on top of how he is feeling.

Is there a chance of recovery for people with CFS/ME? I think asking that question, you could get as many responses as there are people! I do know that there are things we can do to manage and adapt to living with ME/CFS. Living our best life within our limitations and for those who can, moving those limits out with support from such things as medications, supplements, pacing, and learning to stay within our energy envelopes.

Recently members of my email support group with Bruce Campbell's program shared the recent videos by Dr. Nancy Klimas on how to exercise without having post exercise malaise. Being de-conditioned to the extent that I am has made things worse for me I believe. I have been afraid to exercise. After watching these videos and reading all the info from my support group, Joel and I plan to follow this program and see what comes from it. We are cautiously hopeful.... You can watch the videos at ME-CFS Community. There is some valuable information found in the 5 short videos, and the man who runs this support site has made them available to everyone, whiles sharing his own journey with severe ME/CFS.

Hope you find them helpful too. They are worth watching!

A "No Big Deal" Attitude

2011-08-22T16:46:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about the two years we lived in the Philippine Islands, and today when I was watching the weather report about a hurricane heading to the coastal areas, it reminded me of the typhoons we went through while there. We experienced several in just a few weeks every typhoon season, but one was especially strong. Of course, being Joel was a meteorologist, he always had to be at the base working during the days they moved through. Being our home was made of cement bocks which were also filled with wet cement when it was built, we were not worried about the house being damaged. But I can remember the maid and I taking brooms and each of us standing at the closed doors sweeping the water back out as it came in underneath them. It was like a hose was pumping water into the house. Our maid, Ampharo, being a native of the P.I. did not panic, but just quietly stood and kept pushing it back out. I followed suit. No big deal, just a typhoon. just dirty water....

There were many times we had to adapt that attitude while living there. We had to check the yard every morning for venomous snakes, boa constrictors, and the like. No big deal, just snakes...just a precaution.... One time it was a big deal for me though when I came face to face with a monitor lizard for the first time...I ran screaming into the house..."There is a prehistoric animal in the yard!" Even with our cement walls and locked gates it got in. Joel had a good laugh over of my description of this lizard...which left as fast as I ran that day! We often heard gunfire at night while living there...and more than once Matt woke us up to tell us there men in the yard "speaking a different language". No big deal.....just gunfire....just strangers wanting to get in the house.....

I have been wondering where that attitude of "No big deal....just......" went to as I struggle or have struggled with Lyme, Bart, Babesia, H-Pylori, CFS/ME, and MCS, and cancer. Where is my laid back "no big deal" attitude...It is just Lyme again...it is just a CFS/ME relapse...it is just......

I think I do have it sometimes....but other times I react like I did with the monitor lizard or when we had an earthquake on that tiny island...Maybe that laid back attitude came more from the Filipino friends and workers in our lives than from me.

It may be that I have always been a reactor. I wonder if it is too late to adopt the no big deal attitude on a daily basis.... Panicking does not change anything...it often makes it worse. I am going to practice the attitude of "No big deal"...Just another day in the life of Lymies.....No big deal!

Saturday's Scribbles

2011-08-20T12:24:00.001-05:00

Good Saturday morning to you. Hope you are enjoying the last days of summer as much as I am. The weather has blessed us here in Iowa with nice temperatures, low humidity, and plenty of sunshine after a good rain during the night.

Speaking of sunshine, we had such a nice visit with our daughter, SIL, and their three last Saturday evening and Sunday. They came for an overnight after attending the family gathering Joel went to last Saturday. I was feeling good enough to be able to interact with the grandkids, which was so nice for a change.

Speaking of grandkids, the neighbor's almost 2 year old grandson is still here visiting with his mommy. It has been over a month of hearing his giggles and watching him run around the yard. He takes such delight in life! He has no idea how much entertainment he has provided for these Lymies.

Yesterday was so nice, I sat outside on our porch for 3 hours while our cleaning lady was here. I brought out my laptop and devotion books and even put my feet up and closed my eyes for awhile. Love our porch!

This morning we went to a nearby park and had devotions and walked for 3 minutes. Then Joel walked a bit farther without me. It felt wonderful to get out and see the flowers, and river that runs through the city park.

We have not watched any movies for quite a while. Joel has finished the book on how to write your own memoir and I just finished Eunice Simonson's book, I Count My Blessings. It is really written from her journals and rambles quite a bit. I enjoyed it because I followed their lives so closely, and of course seeing the Dahlen name and names of friends from Bible college in it was nice too :). I am reading a book called, Sheepish now, that is the second one I have read by this author. It is about two women who are partners in life and in farming in SE MN. Neither had ever farmed before buying the place and raising sheep. It is so funny! Always can use a good laugh before bed. What are you reading?

Until next time......

Walls of Protection

2011-08-19T11:24:00.004-05:00

When we lived in the Philippine Islands we had to take many measures to stay safe. Our windows had bars and our thick wood doors slide sideways to close with locks drilled down into the cement floors. Most American homes had cement walls surrounding them with barbed wire and broken glass on the tops. We all hired armed guards to protect our homes and we had security lights on each corner of our house. Even with Marshall Law and a nightly curfew for everyone, it was necessary to take these precautions.

Living with Lyme, CFS/ME, and MCS reminds me very much of the way we lived in the P.I. It is necessary to take measures to stay safe while we attempt to treat these diseases and live with some sense of normalcy. We need to build walls of protection to keep from relapsing, or from being exposed to chemicals like gasoline or dryer sheets, perfume and much more. We are always on alert for someone spraying their yard, or some other new symptom that has cropped up. Keeping the bugs from multiplying, killing off what we can, resting and pacing to avoid crashing, and supporting our immune system in the process is a 24/7 job. The list of supplements and herbs we consume is long and the cost is astronomical. We do all this because we want to live. I had one family member recently tell me they do not see us getting better...but getting worse. "Why do it. It causes suffering and costs so much. No one dies from Lyme." Unfortunately, many do die from Lyme complications. We just don't feel we have a choice. Just like when we lived in the Philippines, we do what we need to do to stay safe and live a good life.

We have made progress. At times, we can let down the guards and open the gates more to experience living a more normal life. Mostly we have had to accept the extra precautions we have had to make to stay safe....in our home, in our bodies. Mostly, vigilance is not an option.

Looking back at those two years in the Philippines, we can see that they changed our lives more than anywhere else we have ever lived before or since. We made lifelong friends, adopted two beautiful children, grew stronger in spite of our circumstances, were able to reach out to others in need, and learned to depend on God to guide our lives.

Living with Lyme, CFS/ME, and MCS, we have done much the same. We have made good friends on this journey, grown in spite of or because of our circumstances, and learned to depend on God more than ever to guide us. Our phone rings too often with someone wondering what to do after finding an engorged tick on them or a family member. I belong to a conference call prayer group who prays for people with chronic illnesses~ especially Lyme, and Joel has been asked to speak about living with Lyme and CFS/ME.

We are adapters...we are adjusters...we are survivors....we are thrivers....We don't necessary like living this way~ just as we did not like living with armed guards patrolling our street in the Philippines....but we do what we do because we need to. We do it all because life is worth living! Because we love life! Because we want to really truly live while we are alive~ even behind walls of protection.

Yawn

2011-08-18T20:59:00.002-05:00

Do you ever feel like you are just writing

the same thing over and over again....

blah... blah... blah.....

Nothing inspirational or new to say....

Just the same-o

same-ol

yakety yak

don't look back

crap

Seriously

Y a w n

Crossovers With Treatment

2011-08-18T16:06:00.000-05:00

It is not unusual for people with Lyme to self diagnose while being treated for Lyme and coinfections. It is often a matter of trying to figure out what symptoms go with what problem and if what you are experiencing is from Lyme or something else.....For the past 4 yrs Joel and I have followed the Lyme trail until recently when we added Homeopathy to our arsenal. We now have to try to distinguish between the symptoms of Lyme healing and the symptoms of healing from homeopathic remedies...which often cross over each other. It is hard to distinguish what is what and, really, who wants to call their doctors all the time. That is costly for our pocketbook and her time.

My health drama this summer was a cross over with homeopathy bringing up old symptoms to let the immune system heal the causes of them and at the same time killing off Lyme and other bugs. A double whammy! The intensity of my symptoms has decreased some (yahoo), but several of those old symptoms are hanging around with the newer ones. I really did not plan on them becoming friends or cohorts, but it seems like they are going to stick around together while the homeopathic treatment does its work.

Joel's remedy was for fatigue and he experienced a few days of that here and there but never anything seriously intense until.....now. We did not connect Joel's relapse to the remedy since he took it 3 weeks ago! So we called our Lyme clinic and the doctor did NOT think it was due to Lyme and wanted Joel to see his primary care doctor to rule out something else. Shifting our thinking away from Lyme, I began to wonder if it was the remedy so left a message with our other doctor, Dr. L. Turns out more than likely every one of Joel's intense symptoms are from the remedy leaving his body too quickly. Instructions were to take it again, and I am amazed at how quickly the remedy is working. Last night he was soaked with sweat and exhausted after spending a half hour on the phone with Dr. L. After taking the remedy 3 times~ 8pm, 4am, and 11am, this afternoon he went to the store and bank!

What have we learned here? Having two doctors and getting two kinds of treatments can be confusing and complicated......Making our own diagnoses is dangerous...... Homeopathic remedies create the symptoms they are trying to heal so it can be challenging to figure out what is what........and educating ourselves about homeopathy will be very helpful.

So much to learn, so little time....

Beyond Tired

2011-08-15T11:25:00.000-05:00

It is hard to describe the fatigue that comes with CFS/ME and Lyme. It goes beyond tired. It is an exhaustion that runs so deep a person cannot function, physically, emotionally, or mentally. Arms feel like lead, legs wooden and yet weak and rubbery, and the strength it takes to sit or stand up needs to be "mustered" ~ as my mom would have said. Mentally the brain seems to slow down and emotionally a vulnerability takes over. Sleep does not always help. It is not good.

This is where I see Joel functioning right now. He slept from 2- 4:30 yesterday, and when he woke up, the life had gone out of him. He laid of the sofa and slept again until supper when I woke him to eat. He could hardly sit up or get the fork to his mouth. He laid back down for awhile and then went to his chair to sit in a stupor. He managed to get the garbage out for the truck, and then headed up to bed very early sleeping 10 hours, waking only once. He came downstairs this morning, ate, and headed up for another nap. He is still sleeping 1 1/2 hrs later.

Joel is the kind of person who forgets what is behind him and sees each day as a new day! Forget the past~ today is here. A lovely way to live, except if you are trying to keep track of symptoms and figure out why you are going down hill. So I have been trying to figure out when he started to go backwards and what could have set it off. My gut feelings are that he needs to go back on antibiotics, that the herbs are not enough or the bugs have figured out a way around them it is an unbelievably smart bacteria.....and also that the homeopathic remedy he took three weeks ago is now affecting him. Big time. I could be wrong, that is why I am collecting data for the doctors.

Thursday our youngest came and stayed until Friday afternoon with Joel and I having to interact more and do more while she was here. Friday was a catch up day and Sat. he drove to my extended family gathering and visited 4 hours with one rest period and then drove home. Our daughter N. and family came around 7pm and left Sunday at 1 for home. Joel was tired by the time he got to the reunion, and was off balance, fatigued, and out of sorts by the time he left.

The aftermath of these days is now taking its toll.

For quite awhile Joel was improving, but now the horrible fatigue ~ wide, deep, and long~ has overpowered him. As those of you with CFS/ME and or Lyme know, restoration from this kind of relapse can be long. Since Joel has not felt like this for 2 yrs we are not sure how long it will take....but resisting will only make it worse. So, I keep reminding him of what he needs.....and he rests, he sleeps, he watches mindless TV...and waits for his body to recover from being "beyond tired".

It will.

Saturday's Scribbles

2011-08-13T11:54:00.000-05:00

Good Saturday morning to you! It is cloudy, damp, and drizzling here with a forecast of 74. We finally had a little rain in the night. It has been awhile.
Speaking of that, I have not seen my extended family for over two years and today they are gathering, along with some of our family, just 1 hour from here. One hour, which might as well be a lifetime. I seriously considered going ~ traveling 1 hour, visiting an hour, and then traveling home. Then we did a test run when I went with Joel to pick up blueberries. We were gone around 45 minutes and I was exhausted when we returned home. It brought me back to reality. So, I will stay home and be very thankful Joel can go and see everyone. He had a rough week too, so it was "iffy". Our daughter N., SIL G., and kids are coming from the gathering to stay overnight so that will be fun. I am saving my energy for them.

Speaking of daughters our youngest came Thursday and went home Friday afternoon, staying here and going to doctor appts, one on each day. She recently moved with her son from our town to about 1/2 hour away from us. I am always surprised at how much energy it takes to visit with people.

I have been reading the book, "I Count My Blessings" by Eunice Nordby Simonson, the wife of Joel's cousin David who was a missionary in Tanzania for over 50 years. He died last August, and his wife and some of his family still live on the land the Maasai gave to them years ago. I have struggled a great deal the past week with knowing that David and Eunice "lived the life we wanted to live" as Joel so aptly put it. We believe that our choices at the time were right, that Joel's ministry was and is a blessing to others and to us, but we also have this deep ache for mission work that started when we were teens before we ever knew each other. We are trying to come to a place of acceptance with this ache, knowing that it always be there....It is what it is, as our oldest daughter would say.

Joel and I have been enjoying the blueberries we purchased. We were wishing we had ordered another 10lb box until I started to separate, wash, dry, and package some of them for freezing. Still, I have to tell you, nothing makes me happier than cooking from scratch, having homegrown veggies and fruits, and putting things up for the winter :). Joel and I always say we were born too late. Although, I love conveniences too!

No movies on our list for this week, but we have enjoyed a few of our favorite shows like White Collar, Covert Affair, and The Closer. Another show that cracks us up is Hot In Cleveland starting Betty White and several other stars. After all, laughter is good medicine. I just finished Eunice's book and also Heaven Is For Real, which is about a little boy who goes to heaven during an emergency surgery. He describes in detail what he saw in heaven. Fascinating....and in parts even scary. I do recommend it. What are you reading?

Until next time.....

A Trip In the Country, Two Dozen Eggs and Blueberries

2011-08-09T16:57:00.001-05:00

Today is a red letter day here! I went with Joel on a ride...I actually left the property for the first time in 6-7 weeks. It has been so long I cannot remember when? We belong to an Iowan Food Exchange and had a food order to pick up in the country. . I rode along. Nice! It was wonderful to be out on this warm, dry, sunny day. On our list today...5# of raw Almonds, 4# of Organic Rice flour, 2 dozen farm fresh eggs, and 10# of fresh blueberries from local Mennonites. Yummy!

In my perfect world we would have an acreage where we grow our own veggies, apples and cherries, and have chickens to lay our free range eggs. We would go pick our own organic strawberries and blueberries. Until that time, I am going to savor these blueberries and maybe freeze a few if I don't eat them all first! Delish!