Prayed Together

Our 41st anniversary is this week. 41 years! I feel so very blessed to have Joel as my soulmate. It is one of the reasons why I know how much God loves me! He brought Joel into my life. Speaking of God, the story of how we met and married is a good one.

In 1966 Joel and I both attended The Lutheran Bible Institute which later became Golden Valley Lutheran College. On parents weekend my older sister who raised me came to visit with her good friend from our church where they worked together. They visited the dorms and campus on their own and then met me at the commons building. As we talked from the second floor balcony, they said to me, "Oh, Renee, we met the man you are going to marry! He wants to be a missionary in Africa and we can just see the two of you working there together." I was curious and asked who it was.... Just then Joel walked through the downstairs door. They said, "There he is!" My reply? "You have got to be kidding! He is loud and obnoxious, and he wears boots!" They both just smiled and said, "We will pray about it."
Just 3 mo. later we started dating, 9 mo. later we became engaged, and 6 mo. after that we were married. A farm boy who wore cowboy boots married a city girl who wore suede go go boots! It was a match literally made in Heaven and 41 years later we still rejoice in the prayers that brought us together. Oh, by the way, Joel still wears cowboy boots...but I gave up my suede boots a long time ago!

Lyme Or Loopy?

Dr. V. told us that when taking Flagyl we needed to avoid alcohol at all times. Even mouthwash. It causes bad reactions. Not a big deal, as Joel and I do not drink alcoholic beverages. She also said to take the highest dose of Flagyl UNLESS you act drunk. I have been on 1,000mg for 4 days and yesterday Joel told me he noticed that I was acting "silly" and not saying the "right" words at times. I am also having a bit of trouble walking straight. I keep weaving to the side. It continues today but has not gotten any worse. I think I have spent most of my energy coping with the bone and nerve pain and not thought about anything else. We have questioned how we would know if we were acting drunk, so I did look up info on google, and the staggering was mentioned. I do think my current symptoms could be from the Flagyl, but we also wonder if it could just be the Lyme die off that is causing these symptoms.
Is it Lyme or am I just loopy??

I want to keep taking the Flagyl so I can get rid of the H Pylori 100%. Time will tell. Meanwhile Joel has banned me from carrying around anything made of glass and I am walking very slow and careful. He is home this week to keep track of his unbalanced wife! (I think I may have been unbalanced before I started this journey.) I am just so excited that I have made it through 4 days. Dr. V thought I would only make it 3 before my body rebelled.

Speaking of Joel, he started his protocol today. He is only on one med...1,000mg a day and will add Zithro next week. I figure he has one more day before "it" hits. He also has about 14 supplements to take each day. He has a cast iron stomach so it should go well. He is putzing today on his porch. He hung up a candle lantern, and put up new house numbers. We will hang the chimes tomorrow. We have not put them back up since moving here 5 years ago. Then our flag will follow. How fun.

What a journey we are on. At times we both just look at each other, take a deep breath, give each other a long hug, and remind one another we will get through this. Others have and we will too. One Lyme loopy day at a time.

Saturday's Scribbles

Looks like stormy weather ahead for today. High humidity and warm temps. are going to merge with a cold front coming through. It is a set up for the strong storms that are predicted. So nice to have our sturdy abode to be safe in.

Looks like stormy times ahead for me today too, with continued full doses of Flagyl. I must say I do not like the way it is playing with my brain. Joel keeps reminding me it is the meds and that I only have ___ number of days left. I refuse to say the number out loud. I want it over yesterday. Last night as I was laying on the sofa feeling toxic I said to Joel, "I thought doctors were supposed to "first do no harm"!!! When the h#*# did that change??!!" (excuse my tongue)Sigh.... Stormy days ahead....and I am very thankful for my wonderful sanctuary to be safe in.

I am not very happy with how much weight I have gained over the past 2 yrs. ~30lb.~ Yep. From all the food I need to eat with all the meds I need to take...to keep my stomach from cramping up....and the comfort food I indulge in to soothe my feelings. * I have not eaten sugar, most dairy, yeasts, gluten, chocolate, and other things for over 25 yrs. and I STAY heavy...what is up with that? Dr. V. says my adrenal glands are the problem. All I know is I feel very very plump...and not pleasantly so. And when I feel like this my self esteem takes a beating. My oldest son tells me not to worry about gaining weight right now, just focus on getting better. I have been very round for years, so it is not new, just not comfortable. I decided to no longer call myself fat, though, but "rubenesque" like all the uncovered voluptuous women the famous artist Ruben painted? Although, I definitely am not walking around uncovered. I need to maintain my dignity after all, and protect the innocent!

I have watched some of the TV coverage the past 2 days on the deaths of Ed McMahan, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson. It is well known among pastors and others, that deaths, like plane crashes, etc. usually come in sets of 3. Anyway, I am already sick of this continual bombardment of information on Jackson's life being replayed over and over again. Our news is so sensationalized and all about ratings. Sad...sad...sad....Speaking of sad, it is interesting to look at the 3 who died and how fame really altered their lives in a not so positive way. How many jokes have been told about Farrah and Michael? Ed had a huge...I mean over the top huge home that he lost to bankruptcy I believe....How could Michael Jackson think he needed 30 million a year to live on? What is wrong with these people? And are we any different or just living the same way on a smaller scale. All the "must haves" and "can't live withouts" we bring into our homes or garages and then cast off after the next "new" gadget comes our way. I have been as guilty as anyone else. Simplicity. There really is something to be said for the simple life and inner peace.

I have a confession to make. I do not shave my legs. Okay, I know this is too much information...giggle.....but I have a loose tongue today. I quit shaving over 2 yrs ago when the neuropathy was so bad that shaving sent me into high pain levels for days. It just was not worth it to bend to the whims of society dictating how I should look. I have always been a very hairy person, so this was a big deal at the time for me, but now I am 100% okay with it. I wear long dresses, pants, and skirts anyway. Speaking of long skirts, I wish it was the 60's again ...I LOVE the clothing from that time. Embroidered tunics, flowing skirts, etc. Come to think of it, alot of that is back right now isn't it.

I am reading a Sue Henry mystery. I like her fiction books on Alaska. I am also still reading "A Pace of Grace." This book is a treasure. I am trying to finish for the 3rd time Max Lucado's book, "It's Not About Me". I think I am a slow learner in this area of my life...Of course when you have brain fog, reading a book once only gives you half of the story! Reading it a second time is almost like reading it for the first time. Reading it a third time helps it really sink in! Ha!

Off to my sofa sanctuary. My hanging geranium is gracing me with an abundance of blossoms and I am enjoying the view.

A Must Read

Rummuser from Ramana's Musings sent me an article today on the Lyme Disease controversy that is well worth reading. The link is below. Thank you Rummuser!

http://www.vanityfair.com/online/oscars/2009/06/qa-the-lyme-disease-controversy.html

Which End Is Up?

The last two days have spun Joel and I around, tossed us up in the air and tipped us on our heads. Good grief!! Good grief again!

Yesterday our LLMD was trying to track Joel down and talk to him. She was insistent which made me wonder what was going on. She set up a phone consult with him at 5 at which time she told us that the test results showed Joel DOES have Chronic Neurological Lyme Disease. She said the band 31 is telling for neuro-Lyme and that Joel's was "the highest she has seen in a long time". She is switching all of his protocol and putting him on 3 big guns to kill Lyme. She wants him starting ASAP. For some reason this sent Joel and I into a "tizzy". (ever wonder what words make up tizzy?) He also has low thyroid, low iron, and low vitamin levels. He is getting ready to start enough pills to make a meal out of them. Monday is his big day. By the way, yesterday was his 63rd birthday.....not the best present in the world. Dr. V is still very positive that Joel will do well because he has a good immune system.

Monday is my big day too. I have been taking the full dose ~ 500mg. of Clarithromycin and Zantac for H Pylori and slowly adding Flagyl. Quite the out of body experience so far. By Monday Dr. V wants me also on 1,000 mg. of Flagyl. She wants me to do this for 10 days but told me, "I think that if you can make it through 3-4 days that will be it for your body..although the more the better". Okay, this is the same drug that Dr. V told Joel when he takes it he will be knocked on his behind good. AND he will be taking only 500mg a day. So what do you think it will do to me??? Hello??? I am going to need a good dose of self-talk and courage now.

Today I was reading Isaiah and came across a verse in Chapter 41 in The Message translation that said, ".....because I, your God, have a firm grip on you and I am not letting go. I am telling you, Don't panic! I am right here to help you."

I will be hanging on to that promise and I am asking all those who are so inclined to please pray for me to be able to do this and get rid of the H Pylori virus in my stomach. Prayers for Joel as he begins his protocol Monday and speaks tomorrow to his Bishop about his health problem.

Before 2 yrs ago the only medicine I ever took on a daily basis was Synthroid. The only med Joel has ever taken on a daily is a baby aspirin. Look at us now. We are absolutely walking around in a daze wondering how we got caught up in this violent storm and how we will get through it with both of us in need of care. God must have a good plan...I just need to remind him that we may not be able to handle what He thinks we can! I think he has mixed us up with someone else.

Joel is holding services tonight so I am heading off to supper and more meds and then watching Bones on TV from my sanctuary. A good escape from my world right now. I expect Joel will head for his porch when he gets home to relax in his sanctuary too. Having a place to escape to when your world turns upside down is a very good thing.

Opression

Today is a day of oppressive heat. It is late morning and it is 90 degrees up here in North Country. The humidity is lower, BUT the dew point is 80. This is making our heat index at 106.
I am very thankful that we have air conditioning in our home. Even though I do not like using it, I cannot imagine living without it today. I am expecting storms will head our way......something has to give.

The word oppression came up for me yesterday, too, when I talked by phone to my NAET practitioner. She often works with me over the phone...and yes, somehow that works! She told me that the heavy internal shaking I am having has both a physical and emotional connection. With the intense Lyme neuropathy words like fear and oppression came to her mind. This confused me until I looked up the definition of oppression. One definition was "A sense of being weighed down in body or mind". Now that made things very clear to me! I think it may be nothing more than the fact that the neuropathy feels very oppressive at times~ like a heavy scratchy blanket that holds me back due to the relentless nerve pain. It can weigh down my mind too, and I fear it staying at these high levels. Getting to a place of acceptance and hope and NOT resistance is very helpful. What you resist, persists. With the amygdala retraining there comes a soften and flow technique which I am using for both the anxiety and the symptoms. It does help. So does EFT, meditation, and visualization.

Distraction helps. Finding something that takes my mind off of the symptoms is very beneficial. A funny show...a mystery, nature...connecting with friends. If you find yourself in a place of oppression, try acceptance, hope, and distraction, one hour at a time. And just like the weather today, it will pass, and things will change. Something has to give.

The Power of Words

I started to write a post about the power of words, and after I wrote the title...it somehow posted without me writing anything. Jennifer from Living A Lyme Life commented...and when I clicked on her comments...they disappeared. Are you laughing yet? There is a lot of irony here in this. After seeing the title of the post and nothing written under it, Jennifer asked, Is there power in NO words?? I would be laughing right now, except for the fact that I thought about my answer to the question.
I think there is great power in silence...no words at all....just like there is great power in words.
Tonight I was thinking about the great influence our words have and how important it is to choose them carefully. What do we dwell on? The negative thoughts...negative words.....or the positive words....
weak vs strong
sad vs happy
hate vs love
unhealthy vs healthy
war vs peace
You get the picture. What we think about often comes true. What we say has the power to affect our lives and the lives of others in a profound way. In a good or bad way. We have a choice. In all we say we need to remember our words hold power!

Saturday's Scribbles

The sun is shining today and the humidity has dropped to a more livable level. It was up to 100% humidity AND the dew point was at 80. I felt like I was back in the Philippines. The outdoor plants like it!

It has been a rough week and I am spending most of my time horizontal and doing the "soften and flow" technique to get through the intense neuropathy. It has helped. I need to still add one more med, Flagyl, tomorrow and expect herxing to spike but hopefully I can tolerate it and get rid of the H Pylori bacteria. Stomach feels better at times already, Bartonella pimples showing up on body along with brain fog and a few other symptoms...blah blah blah.....Using my hands and arms is challenging with the nerve pain.

Our oldest daughter, second daughter, and second son were here last Sat. with their children (no spouses). They were not even at the house 24 hrs. but it turned out to be just long enough with both Joel and I feeling pretty miserable physically. They attended the birthday party for our youngest grandson here in town before coming here. They all stayed overnight ~ a challenge bed wise! It was wonderful to see them again and we did alot of porch sitting and visiting!!!!! I really savor these times together.

Joel has been doing the elimination diet to see what he is sensitive or allergic to. The swelling in his hands and face left and he lost 7 lbs in the first 4 days. Sweet! He will be done with that next Thurs. and then start his Lyme/Bartonella treatment on the 29th taking a week of vacation as a precaution.

I am so very excited by an opportunity that came up to help our church missionaries in Nigeria. They help women and children with HIV/AIDS and have a home, clinic, and ministry for those who need it. The women make beautiful quilts to earn income. This past week one of the missionaries came to speak at our church. They shared that they are also going to earn income by having wedding dresses that women in the community/city can "rent" when they are getting married. They asked for donations. This was a God-send for me. I had been thinking about giving my wedding dress to Goodwill but it made me kind of sad to do so. This is the perfect opportunity for me. We have always wanted to go to Africa and do mission work, but it was not part of God's plan for us. I told Joel, I can never go to Africa, BUT MY WEDDING DRESS CAN!!!!!!!! I really felt like God blessed me in such a special way. So, my dress is going to go with the missionary today and will be on its way to Africa in a month, to be used to help their work continue. I can't explain why this has filled me with such joy and peace, but it has.

Our youngest daughter, S. turned 23 this week. We adopted her when she was 2. She has had very challenging times in life...some of her own making...many others not. I am impressed with her ability to parent, and have seen a great deal of maturity develop in the past year. She is beautiful, and really has come to a place of more serenity in her life. It is a good thing. Happy Birthday, S.

I never use any sweeteners and sometimes things can taste a bit sour. We just purchased organic Agave Nectar and it is so sweet! Almost too sweet for someone who has not used sugar for over 25 yrs. Will be a nice treat once in awhile, though.

Distraction: The Amygdala Retraining talks about distraction to help keep us from thinking about how we are feeling. I am trying to come up with a list of things that distract me from my illness. TV, writing, reading, and just having Joel around are good distractions. Am thinking of taking up embroidery/cross-stitching to have something to do with my hands...also doing more drawing again. What distracts you from your symptoms?

We have two ducks who have joined our family...well, so to speak. We have a duck couple ~drake and hen~ who are spending alot of time in our front yard. They were in the neighbor's garage the other day looking for a place to nest! They come every year to our neighborhood...must be because it is so quiet on this end of the cul-de-sac. Of course we enjoy their company.

Yesterday on Oprah I saw a dad who has 9 children. His wife died when his son was very young, and he did not remarry, but adopted several children from South America. Beautiful family! Tomorrow is Father's Day. Joel's father and step-father have both passed along with my father, and brother-in-law who was a father to me. We will celebrate quietly and I expect Joel will hear from the kids.

Hope you have a good weekend.

Needing Moxie For The Marathon

The definitions of the word marathon are:

1. a long distance race
2. an endurance contest

The definitions of the word moxie are:

1. having skill, know-how, guts, and fortitude
2. having a great amount of courage and determination to do what you want to do.

Moxie can be used as a noun too, in regards to women. A Moxie is a woman with courage, guts, etc.

I have often heard people speak about the treatment for Lyme Disease as being a marathon. "Treating Lyme is not a sprint, it is a marathon" has come up in several books and articles I have read. There is no quick fix...it is not the 50 yard dash. It requires time, endurance, patience, determination, courage...and guts. In other words, It requires moxie. This unusual word came to me when I was asking my body what it needed to keep going. Times are tough, they have gotten tougher, and it has been difficult to think clearly about the long journey I have ahead of me. During a time of meditation I asked myself what I needed to keep in the race, and the word MOXIE came into my head. I have no clue when I last thought of, or even heard that word! But there it was....moxie. Okay. When I looked up the actual definition, it make perfect sense to me. Determination, guts, courage, and fortitude!

In a marathon, just like treatment for Lyme or CFS, you pace yourself, slowing down or speeding up whenever it is necessary. Sometimes you need to alter the course, or get help and support along with way. It is really nice to have those you care about cheering you on. Getting to the finish line takes great effort and not everyone crosses over it at the same time or in the same way. But the finish line is there waiting for us. It is within our reach. What do we need to get there? We need time and patience. We need to focus on where we are now while also thinking about what is ahead. We need to enjoy the journey as much as we can. We also need all the tools available to us, all the support we can gather, and all the moxie we can "muster" up. Good old fashioned moxie!

Marathon Moxie signing off for now!

Saturday's Scribbles

It is sunny here today and sunny in my heart too. I find myself smiling in spite of how I am feeling ~ I get to spend a few hours with family ~our oldest 2 daughters and their children...and our second oldest son and his boy. I only see some of our children once a year so this is an extra bonus time. They are all spending the night here which will give me the opportunity to practice pacing. BUT family is coming and I will enjoy every second of their visit. They are here for our youngest grandson's first birthday.

It has been a very difficult few days for me with phone calls once again to my Dr. and practitioner. They must get tired of hearing from me. I have had an increase of polyneuropathy coming on since going off the Doxycycline. Then I was diagnosed with the H Pylori virus and possible ulcer. I need to take 3 meds and Pepto tablets for at least two weeks. Test results show my H Pylori bacteria is at 7.0 when 1.0 is considered positive. Not good. I am thinking this has been a problem for a long time. The meds for this are also powerful Lyme and Bart abx....and I am taking high doses if possible. I started the Biaxin on Wed. and Thurs am woke up with everything moving too fast, sounds too loud, and everything too bright...colors are too vivid..eyes are hurting, etc. and then by that evening neuropathy was the worst in over 2 yrs. I had insomnia and was awake most of the night in horrible pain everywhere..even my mouth..nerve ending pain burning skin and like someone is poking me with sharp toothpicks all over skin? I had to wake Joel up to help me warm up, get extra water...I drink and drink when neuropathy is bad...and to pray over me. Anxiety is sky high of course. It is ALL herxing...that quick my LLMD says and my practitioner confirms with muscle testing. I went back off the meds until my family is gone..slept good last night ~ 9 hours.... but as my mom would say.."weak as a newborn kitten". I am going to have a long road ahead to kill off yet another bacteria in my body. Good thing the meds can do the killing and I need only self-care as my goal.

I think that the symptoms I have with high neuropathy are interesting and strange at the same time:
burning, stinging pain everywhere....I mean everywhere I have skin.
Anxiety
Instant weight loss ( I lost 2.5 lbs. Thurs. night)
Unquenchable thirst with dry mouth

Something causes my whole body to rev up and oversensitize in all areas......Our bodies are amazing machines, aren't they.

I started the Amygdala retraining(CFS Warrior is also doing this) that my CFS buddies recommended in my online support group. Several have used it and swear it helped them to manage anxiety and adrenaline surges. So far it makes perfect sense to me and describes my reactions and problems with stress perfectly.

A few months ago Joel told me God revealed to him it was going to be a year of abundance. I told Joel yesterday that next time God says that, ask Him what KIND of abundance he is talking about. So far this year I have been diagosed with an abnormal EKG, cataracts, High eye pressure, and H-Pylori bacteria, and Joel with Lyme Disease and Bartonella. This is not the kind of abundance we were thinking of! Our definition of blessings and God's must be different. God is a God of surprises isn't He! I wonder what plans He has for this turn of events.

Our granddaughter A. broke her elbow this past week. She fell off the monkey bars at school. She did not tell anyone for 2 days. She told mom and dad she had the flu....stayed home from school, and cried a lot, but every time they asked her what was wrong she complained of stomach aches. She kept her arm pain a secret. When her mom, B. noticed the strange way she was holding her arm she checked it. Swollen huge and painful! Thankfully no surgery needed ~ just a cast. When her dad came home from work he said to A., "Now what did you learn from this experience?" Her reply~"Monkey bars are evil!" They may have a bit more talking to do about keeping secrets!

Here is the deja vu of this story. When I was 6 I broke my elbow and needed surgery on it. When our oldest, B. was 10 she broke her elbow and needed surgery on it. Now B's daughter, A. just broke her elbow at age 8. Wonder how we stop this from continuing into the next generation~!

Again, I must mention our porch. I think I need to take a picture of it to share here. A little porch that has brought my husband a great deal of pleasure! Strange as it sounds, I also enjoy just knowing he is getting such pleasure from a little time on the porch at night. It's a good thing!

The Voice of Truth

I was listening to a song yesterday titled, "The Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns when the chorus broke into my negative litany of the past two days.

But the Voice of Truth

tells me a different story.

The Voice of Truth

says do not be afraid

And the voice of Truth

says this is for My glory.

Out of all the voices

calling out to me,

I will choose to listen and believe

the Voice of Truth

I confess, my inner voice has been spreading doom and bloom the past 48 hours bringing me to a place of discouragement, and despair. Joel feels I am having symptoms from being off the meds so long, but I also know this is a reaction to hearing that Joel has Lyme Disease and that I now have the H Pylori Bacteria. And Dr. V's words that I would be on antibiotics the rest of my life left me with a sense of hopelessness. Echoing in my head were such thoughts as "You will never get better..." "Once again you have failed" "You might as well give up now...." Somewhere deep inside there is a leftover lie that tells me I am to blame for getting Lyme, and for still having Lyme......maybe I don't want to get well.....maybe I am keeping myself sick......Oh, that inner critic loves to whisper lies to me.

I was surfing blogs and turned to Through Him All Things Are Possible where I heard the song by Casting Crowns. It was meant for me this day at this time. Just hearing this chorus brought me back to the place of being a gentle observer. "I have not caused my own illnesses, I am not to blame. I am on the road to recovery, one step at a time. Within me there is still an inner critic but she has less and less power over me. And when I am still, I can hear the Voice of Truth telling me not to be afraid, not to believe the lies, but to listen to Him. His truth for me.

Therefore I will choose...yes it is a choice we can make....to listen to and believe the Voice of Truth.

Change Is Inevitable ~ Change Is Good.

I saw my LLMD last Wednesday after Joel's initial visit. We were so overwhelmed and "spacey" with Joel's clinical diagnosis of Lyme that my exam results were secondary and hard to take in. Today they are at the forefront in my mind due to a big change coming my way.

Dr. V. believes I have the H Pylori bacteria and a possible stomach ulcer. She is not putting me through any invasive testing, but did do a blood test. I am off of all the meds and anything that is causing the relentless stomach pain and burning, etc. I had already been off of meds for one week so now after almost 2 weeks I am having an increase of old symptoms. Anyway, now I am supposed to take Pepto tablets AND 3 antibiotics that will kill this off and heal my stomach. One of the antibiotics is also a Lyme cyst buster. Okay, I have never been able to take more than 5 pills a day and now I am going to be taking 20???? Needless to say I am a bit anxious about this, but am determined to try.

Secondly, Dr. V told me, "If you stay on antibiotics it will be FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE." I am one of those Lymies I guess. I am really quite sad about how damaged my body is from this horrible disease..and her words, even though I have wondered if this was true, were shocking to hear.

Dr V. wants me to look at an herbal protocol in the near future. I had already been thinking about this and looking up info. for a couple of months. It started with me finding the site, Peaceful Acres and how the woman there became well from Lyme after having undiagnosed Lyme for 37 years. She used herbs, and other alternative treatments, diet, etc. Someone else has shared with me that she and her family do the herbal protocol and it is helping too. I have less Lyme symptoms on antibiotics and neurological and muscle strength improvements, but then other symptoms caused by the meds themselves crop up...and now this H Pylori bacteria. I have always preferred alternative medicine and with Dr. V's support and continued help I am all for it. Change is good.

I decided not to start the H Pylori treatment until after my two oldest daughters and their kids leave...they come Sat. for a short visit, but I want to be able to enjoy the precious time we do have together. I get to spend so little time with my family. Our youngest daughter is having a birthday party for her son who is turning one.

Joel and I have so much to take in and process. He is now on a 3 week elimination diet which in itself takes alot of work ~ we wait for test results for his diagnosis of Lyme~ and now my treatment causing the bacteria and possible ulcer. Good grief! No wonder we are stressed. Looks like we will need extra porch time.

Finding Enjoyment In The Small Things

Being I am homebound, Joel and I have had to create our own entertainment. My world is very isolated and unfortunately that means that when Joel is with me he experiences the same thing. But we are good adaptors, and have learned to enjoy the small things together. It is one of the blessings that has come with illness~ the time to look around and really SEE what surrounds us.

Like Friday night's entertainment....5 rabbits decided to make our backyard their playground. They chased each other around and one rabbit even hid behind a bush, jumping out when a second rabbit hopped by. It was amazing to us how much like children they were ~ hiding, chasing, jumping, and stopping once in a while to eat a little grass. We laughed quite a bit over their antics.

Nature does seem to call to us. We enjoy the occasional deer that meanders or moves swiftly through the yard. squirrels that are always busy finding food, and the neighbor's dog, Zoe, who runs around her yard with such graceful beauty. I do not enjoy the bats flying at high speed at dusk like Joel does, but the birds draw both of our attention. I really enjoy the sounds of ducks and geese flying overhead as they go to the nearby river or field. We really are blessed to be so close to God's creation.

Joel and I also enjoy a game of cribbage, cards, or scrabble. Sometimes Joel reads out loud to me, or we discuss an article one of us has read. We watch too much TV but lately have decided to be more particular about what is on the large box in the living room that holds so much of our attention.

The porch Joel built on the front of our house was the best investment we have made in a long time. Not too many years ago, everyone had a porch~ it connected us and made neighborhoods a welcoming place. For Joel and I it has become a place of quiet reflection. Our lives are a bit topsy-turvy lately and the peaceful activity of "porch sitting" brings things back into balance.

One of the "small things" we enjoy very much is talking to our grandchildren. They are all so unique with their own personalities and gifts they bring to this world. Those times are not often enough, but we cherish them. They also make us laugh. Our oldest grandson was learning about the birds and bees at school recently. He comes from a theological family with his grandpa a pastor and his mom having a degree in Theology. He came home and mentioned to his mom he had learned about a uterus, ovaries, and the Philippians tubes! Of course he meant the Fallopian tubes, but the Biblical book of Philippians sounded close enough! Yes, our grandchildren bring us enjoyment.

There really is something good about enjoying the small things in life. It brings everything into balance and renews, replenishes, and restores us. Whether we are forced into stillness or make it a conscious choice, it can be a blessing.

Saturday's Scribbles

It is raining here today. A soft steady rain for now, although storms are forecast for later. I like rainy days in the summer. The air is fresh and I can have the windows open without worry of exposures. Our dog, Levi, does not like the rain, or storms for that matter. He acts like he is in pain when he goes out to do his duty....and tries to run back in as soon as he gets wet! You can tell he is an indoor dog. He is so spoiled he has his "own" comfy chair. When it storms Levi hides under my feet or goes into the smallest room in the house ~ a bathroom. He does that when the lights go out too! Not very brave when Mother Nature shows her stuff! He also goes into the bathroom if anyone raises their voice even just a little bit in anger. Smart dog and a good warning signal when one of us is crabby. This is not only our sanctuary, it is his too.

Another quiet weekend. Joel is off to a Synod Conference. He called me on his way there and was so excited as he saw a red fox crossing the road. A rare occurance. He told me God is so good, he graced me with a red fox today! Joel grew up on a farm and was always out in the woods or fields. He is very much at home in the country although living in cities or small towns has changed his thinking about dusty gravel roads. It has not changed his mind about much else though. We have lived in a few bigger cities like Salt Lake City and Albuquerque, but when we live surrounded by so many people, roads, and buildings, Joel's inner light dims. Nature gives him an inner peace he cannot find anywhere else. Lately we both dream of moving to the country, having a few sheep, goats, and chickens... ya gotta have dreams, right?

I am thinking Joel received another example of how good God is today also. He called me later and told me that just before he reached his destination it hit him hard ~ "I have Lyme Disease". The impact was so intense he actually got lightheaded and dizzy. He then shared that when he got to the conference a fellow pastor and friend asked him how he was doing. He said, "Good." They talked about S.'s grandchildren. who have health concerns, and then S. asked Joel one more time, "How did you say you were doing?" Joel said with honesty, "I feel crappy!" He went on to share the week with this kind man who listened with complete attention. What a blessing that Joel "just happened" to run into this man when he entered the conference center. Thank you Lord.

I watched the NBC Brian Williams special on the Obama White House this week. Very interesting. Nice to see young children are running through the halls again, although they did not show them ~ keeping boundaries for their girls. Boundaries are so very important. I have been reading A Pace of Grace as I said before, and the author speaks of having strong clear boundaries for yourself and your family. Good idea. Speaking of family, she talked about disciplining children and that corrections are important, but that consequences need to also restore respect and unity. Just punishing a child builds up resentment. Restoring respect and unity are a good thing for all of us.

The blogging world has become an important part of taking care of myself. It gives me a place to journal, and insights from what I write, and from fellow bloggers and what they share with their readers. All the way around it is a good thing. Oh, and if it crossed your mind, Joel is very open to what I share about him.

Don't you just love the sound of rain on the roof? i think I will go out and sit on our porch today. Need to enjoy the days with little wind and no mosquitoes. Hope your day brings peace.

Processing

Joel has been given a diagnosis of Lyme Disease.
Yesterday he said to me, "We are not partners in crime"......We are partners in Lyme!!!

He had a good chuckle over that while I wondered if he was really untouched by his diagnosis or just in denial over what we are facing....

Today he woke up and said to me, "I am just plain ornery today! I am really ticked that I have Lyme". Anger, an emotion my husband feels is really a waste of energy. But anger often hides fear, and we are both experiencing moments of that.

While Joel was joking and chatty I was scared. When he was angry I was sad. Tonight he is doing okay and I am angry...and ornery!

We are grieving. We are processing. It is what we need to do. Processing and going through the stages of grief. There is loss in being given a diagnosis that changes your life. It is important to work through the feelings that come with this kind of loss, too. It comes and goes...we breathe it in and we breathe it out. Processing. Necessary. A good thing.

Together

Together

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The winds of Lyme blew mighty hard,

Causing confusion, fear, and disbelief.

They swept in across fragile minds

That were hoping against hope for relief.

From countless symptoms that filled their days

From suspicions that they are now together

In an endless battle that does not cease

Living with the dis-ease of disease

Joined together as husband and wife

As father and mother

As friends and lovers

Forever united in their faith

In their commitment to each other

To God

and now..........

To fighting Lyme Disease

Each day in their own way and yet

Together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On bended knees we lift our voices on high

Asking for strength, courage and faith

Together

We stretch our arms to the sky

Believing that no matter what we feel

We will be okay.

We are not alone

We are loved

We have God and each other

We are together

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For several months we have been suspicious about Joel's health problems. In early March our NAET practitioner tested Joel for Lyme and it came back positive. She treated his Lyme like she does allergies, etc. and the symptoms increased causing red flags for us. We made an appointment with my LLMD and Joel and I spent 4 1/2 hours yesterday with Dr. V. The clinical exam was very extensive and revealing, bringing our doctor to the clinical diagnosis of Peripheral Lyme Disease with Bartonella. She also diagnosed Restless Legs Syndrome, and possible thyroid disease. Test results to confirm her diagnosis will be back in a couple of weeks.

It is believed that when he was extremely sick 10 yrs ago it was from Lyme. It took him a year to be able to function back at 80%, and that is where his energy stayed. His strong immune system has kept him going until about 2 yrs ago when symptoms started slowly returning. In the past two years he has seen doctors who have told him that he was just under stress, just depressed, and the last doctor here in town told him he is having all these problems due to being obese (he is 25 lbs. overweight for his height) and needing exercise ~ because blood and heart tests did not show a problem. There was no answer for why obesity would cause Joel to loose his balance or slur his words! My feelings are even stronger now that with some doctors ~they are only as good as their blood tests.

We have an answer now, and that gives us a place to start from. Today we are just trying to digest it all. The winds of Lyme have come into our world and turned everything upside down once again. it will take a while to right ourselves, but we will. One step at a time. Together.

The Boy With Fast Shoes

Today our son, Kevin, would have been 30 years old. He died on Dec. 13th 2004 of congestive heart failure after a virus attacked his heart. Our oldest says he died from two kinds of broken hearts...one that was broken long before the virus ever entered his body, and the one that took his life.

We adopted Kevin when he was 3 ~ he was Northern Cheyenne, African-American, and Caucasian...a blend that made him one handsome boy. He suffered neglect, and extreme abuse of every kind in his early years, and never could trust anyone. There is a lot of sadness surrounding his short time on this earth but today I am remembering the early years.

Like when he first came home to live with us, and I would sit by his bed every night and hold his hand until he fell asleep...how much he idolized his older brother M. and wanted to be like him. I can still see them playing football in the front yard with Kevin wearing M.'s jersey which came down past his knees....the smile on his face when he helped decorate the Christmas tree and his amazement over all the presents he had to open that morning. He was delighted with each one.


Kevin came to us with a grocery bag only half full of old clothes and a few pictures. His tennis shoes were way too small so we headed right to the shoe store. We tried on several pair and when he found a pair he liked he ran up and down the aisle in them, saying to us, "NOW I can run ....I am wearing my fast shoes!" Our oldest still has those fast shoes as a keepsake. From that day forward Kevin had a thing for shoes...he kept them clean and neat and always thought he should have just one more pair!

Today I honor Kevin's memory~ if there are birthday parties in Heaven, I am sure he is having one and probably wearing a brand new pair of fast shoes in celebration!